A pink and purple pen.
When I think of you, I think about your smile, your eyes, your lips; the sound of your laughter, the sound of your voice, the funny little noises that you make. I think about how it feels to hold you, to put my arm around your waist, to hug you, to hug you tighter, to feel like lifting you up and carrying you about; to hold your hand, and such simple things; to touch your skin, and keep you warm – even though you’re the one who radiates heat. I think about your scent, and how you always manage to smell nice. I think about Penhaligon's, and a mental list of all the things you've ever said you like or dislike. The way your face crinkles when you smell something bad. The mental snapshot of your face lit by the cinema half-light after I first kissed you, the way you looked so young, so innocent…so vulnerable (and how I wondered what you were thinking). I think about the way your persona changes when you turn on your intellect, the assumption of easy seriousness and strength, the depth of knowledge that tells in your eyes, and how it sometimes seems you want to hide this facet of yourself. I think about the way you always punch me or kick me, and wonder why you like abusing me so much.
I think about how you make me feel. I think about how I don’t think I’ve felt the same way about you as I’ve felt about another girl, and how I don’t know how to describe it. I think about how I sometimes feel out of my depth when I’m with you, and I don’t know if it’s a good thing or bad. I think about how I get so easily distracted when I’m doing my work and your messages come in. How I have to push you out of my mind sometimes just to be able focus on something else. How I feel like I don’t want to lose you, but yet not even have you in the first place.
I think about what our circle of friends would think, and how the group dynamics might change, or not.
I think about how you're probably thinking about many of the same things.
I think about the (not many) things we have in common.
I think about all the different maybes we might become, by next year.
I think about you, and the difference between love and infatuation.
I think about how I feel so jaded of relationships, and whether this has changed.
I think about the perils of over-thinking, and reading too much into it all.
I think about taking pictures of you, and how it actually sounds quite perverted to say that I’m
thinking about it.
I think about how you might feel about me.
And how the list could go on, but for self-censorship.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Thursday, March 05, 2009
et toi.
Watched slumdog today, again. Hearing the score a second time, I don't really understand how it could have won anything at all, except perhaps for unsocialized, cloistered US bookizen critics who have (probably) never heard or seen anything from outside the continent, and hence think mediocre indian-glish fusion-music is set to revolutionize the industry standard. Bah. Watch some Bollywood, SAG.
I will remember today for soft lips, and the whisper of soft breath.
I will remember today for soft lips, and the whisper of soft breath.
Friday, February 27, 2009
As the Weatherlight falls into forest
Watched slumdog with sh. She wore a blouse and a skirt, things I hardly see her in around school. Should I take this as something more? I wonder really… what does she see of this? A date? A friendly movie? Perhaps a bit of both. I hope she doesn't think I’m leading her. After the movie we both went our separate ways, her to home and me elsewhere, with a pang of guilt, asking her out to a movie, and only a movie. Nothing more and nothing less, though for a moment it might have felt like it could have gone a lot more, somewhere. I knew, at least, not to court social mishap by extending our little meeting further. I run back to school to find that perfect sunset spot.
It took two hours (or less? I dunno, it felt like a long time) of climbing up and down stairs, sweaty shirted exploration of deserted stairwells, locked access hatches, closed doors all bolted chained. Then the sighting of yet another possible peak in the distance, yet another possible rendezvous with another rooftop.. arts to engin, and in between. I think I climbed every climbable place. But in the end I found something worth it.
Along the CDTL, a forlorn staircase stands off to the side as if abandoned by its parent, water-stained and muddied, 12 flights of leaf-strewn steps – what’s another set of stair after so many already. I climb it but discover there’s a barrier of daunting wall at the top… someone left a chair at the bottom of the wall: it must have been climbed before then.
I scale it, and go up. I look out, look down over the roof of the central library. Almost magical, to glance over the six-storey drop and yet there I was some minutes ago, on the ground now so far away. The dipping sun glares from behind a cloud, though I’m already quite high up now. A fireman’s ladder sits against another wall.
I go up again. I come out higher, on another roof. Another fireman’s ladder.
I go up again.
Suddenly the boundaries disappear, the walls fall away and the landscape yawns expectantly as if chiding ‘What took you so long?’ An expanse of sky and land and sea stretches out ahead and around, opens up before me like a panorama of sunset and Singapore. A bird’s eye view of here to the limits of sight, cloudless intersperse of air, no more obstructions of concrete and cement.
It takes the breath away, it does. Just… me, in the atmosphere, almost. As I stand on that little piece of roof, on the very pinnacle of that building, I realize I hadn’t found a spot of sunset. I’d found a circle of serenity, my own fairy ring of peace. A spiritual place. Up this high, you don’t see people, or troubles, or commitments, or facades, or any of the myriad other things of tired life. There’s just the air surrounding, and clouds above; the land rolls out below like an orange-painted canvas, surreal as a cubist’s dream. You feel detachment; you fall into ethereal thrall. The mind looks inwards as if an immense God holds you in his gaze.
The red sun peeps like a playful child over the horizon.
There and then, I felt at peace, more than I’d felt in a long long time. My feet anchored to the floor, but the mind afloat on a string. The senses calm, and I felt… small, and insignificant, but perhaps therein was the message; I am a mote among millions, and the world is big. This respite of scale, of knowing your place in the world, of the careless belittling of the self... made all the more amazing by the fact that it hides right in the middle of mundaneity. In the middle of NUS, for crying out loud. I took my time in reflection and in solitude, and of wind against my face.
The sun goes down, and throws its last rays across the higher heavens as the crawling dark creeps up behind me. I go down soon after.
It took two hours (or less? I dunno, it felt like a long time) of climbing up and down stairs, sweaty shirted exploration of deserted stairwells, locked access hatches, closed doors all bolted chained. Then the sighting of yet another possible peak in the distance, yet another possible rendezvous with another rooftop.. arts to engin, and in between. I think I climbed every climbable place. But in the end I found something worth it.
Along the CDTL, a forlorn staircase stands off to the side as if abandoned by its parent, water-stained and muddied, 12 flights of leaf-strewn steps – what’s another set of stair after so many already. I climb it but discover there’s a barrier of daunting wall at the top… someone left a chair at the bottom of the wall: it must have been climbed before then.
I scale it, and go up. I look out, look down over the roof of the central library. Almost magical, to glance over the six-storey drop and yet there I was some minutes ago, on the ground now so far away. The dipping sun glares from behind a cloud, though I’m already quite high up now. A fireman’s ladder sits against another wall.
I go up again. I come out higher, on another roof. Another fireman’s ladder.
I go up again.
Suddenly the boundaries disappear, the walls fall away and the landscape yawns expectantly as if chiding ‘What took you so long?’ An expanse of sky and land and sea stretches out ahead and around, opens up before me like a panorama of sunset and Singapore. A bird’s eye view of here to the limits of sight, cloudless intersperse of air, no more obstructions of concrete and cement.
It takes the breath away, it does. Just… me, in the atmosphere, almost. As I stand on that little piece of roof, on the very pinnacle of that building, I realize I hadn’t found a spot of sunset. I’d found a circle of serenity, my own fairy ring of peace. A spiritual place. Up this high, you don’t see people, or troubles, or commitments, or facades, or any of the myriad other things of tired life. There’s just the air surrounding, and clouds above; the land rolls out below like an orange-painted canvas, surreal as a cubist’s dream. You feel detachment; you fall into ethereal thrall. The mind looks inwards as if an immense God holds you in his gaze.
The red sun peeps like a playful child over the horizon.
There and then, I felt at peace, more than I’d felt in a long long time. My feet anchored to the floor, but the mind afloat on a string. The senses calm, and I felt… small, and insignificant, but perhaps therein was the message; I am a mote among millions, and the world is big. This respite of scale, of knowing your place in the world, of the careless belittling of the self... made all the more amazing by the fact that it hides right in the middle of mundaneity. In the middle of NUS, for crying out loud. I took my time in reflection and in solitude, and of wind against my face.
The sun goes down, and throws its last rays across the higher heavens as the crawling dark creeps up behind me. I go down soon after.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
A herald, in glass.
Two movies in a row is omg so tiring pls, plus the cinema was at that funny temperature where its cold enough to feel the the chill but not cold enough to wear a jacket... bargh. Valkyrie was cool, for once a suspenseful, exciting movie where Tom Cruise doesn’t defy metaphysics, reality, bullets or all three combined. He even dies at the end. Cool. My dad said Benjamin button was really good, and I take his word for it, though… after a while it gets a bit boring. You know where he’s headed ultimately, but you just wonder in what form he’ll have his death. Curious indeed.
And your hands are so small. I wonder if you come with a label that says ‘Fragile’, instructions to handle with care.
In this moment, I am fearful. Porcelain falls into shards.
And your hands are so small. I wonder if you come with a label that says ‘Fragile’, instructions to handle with care.
In this moment, I am fearful. Porcelain falls into shards.
Friday, February 06, 2009
Marching
I think I'm just too fickle for my own good. Make up your mind, brother!
Valentine's Day always leads to rash decisions, so don't.
Class with jaime. Lunch with soks, dinner with natalie, saw sarah at the bus terminal. lunch tmrw with xh. I bought curry buns today, and made a cup of coffee at home.
But I'm actually much happier now than at almost any time I've been in the past few years. More confident, more animated. More free from boundaries. More alive from the chase. I want things to stay/change, but decisions are always hard to make when marching.
Trip to sungei buloh on saturday! C'est interessant!
Valentine's Day always leads to rash decisions, so don't.
Class with jaime. Lunch with soks, dinner with natalie, saw sarah at the bus terminal. lunch tmrw with xh. I bought curry buns today, and made a cup of coffee at home.
But I'm actually much happier now than at almost any time I've been in the past few years. More confident, more animated. More free from boundaries. More alive from the chase. I want things to stay/change, but decisions are always hard to make when marching.
Trip to sungei buloh on saturday! C'est interessant!
one of those facebook things that people are doing now
Rules : Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you. :)
Tagged by: Michelle Teo, and Trixie Tang, who likes food, and pandas, and to whom i will give a packet of hello panda just to see her reaction.
1. I love coffee and gummies. Coffee makes my world go round! Gummies just give me cavities, so there's a bit of a love-hate thing going on there.
2. I keep fish. A corner of my balcony is filled with fishtanks haha! Some of my fish are like 'only for expert care' in taxonomy guides, but I'm pretty 'beginner care' only so there seems to be some discrepancy somewhere. I also have a tortoise that eats beans and craps everywhere in the balcony.
3. I love sashimi! Eh.. the karma works out somehow. Anyway i already expect i'll be reborn as a cockroach.
4. CATS! not the musical i mean, which i've never watched, but i love big fluffy real cats! I'd keep them but i'm afraid they'll escape thru the windows from my 3rd floor place and die. And they'll eat my fish.
5. I'm actually pretty clueless most of the time! Sometimes i walk into the LT without knowing what the class is, and I still need to look at the signs to get around arts fac. so sometimes people think i'm dao when i walk past them in the corridors or in the deck...but i'm actually just kinda lost.
6. Conversations: Its not because i don't have anything intelligent to say, but because I like to listen to what other people are saying.
7. When I was young: I once dived off a table, hit the wall and got sent to the hospital for a broken arm. I once also spun around until i got so dizzy I hit my face onto the same table and got sent to the hospital for split gums. Another time, I did a backflip off a lorry and got sent to the hospital for stitches on my head. But they were all different hospitals, so it was pretty cool.
8. I want to join another sport, and gain weight, but neither seems to be happening:(
9. I've failed every math test except at my PSLEs and 'O' Levels, tho I got F9 for AO Math at my 'A's. I do know how to count though. Toes are very useful.
10. I'm easily amused! If i ever laugh at you, please don't take it badly! It's just that i'm super amused by the random things people say or do, and it keeps me happy in a generally depressing world. :D
11. I love my friends alot! After my relative hermitage of some time ago, I'm trying to rediscover all my old friends. One of the things I sincerely regret was leaving them of out my life during those years, and relying on the arbitrary significance of a 'significant' other. Yeah, I'm doing time for it now, but i've learnt a valuable lesson:)
12. <-- Twelve is blank because of quantum.
13. Green stuff is cool. Like recycling, trees, and my room wall cos i painted it green.
14. SHOPPING. When i'm bored i go shopping, even if its by myself, and look at clothes and accessories and random stuff like gachapon egg-capsule thingies. My mum scolds me for having more clothes than my sister.
15. I feel that its perfectly fine for a guy to have alot of clothes. And like shopping. And sometimes gush about hot guys.
16. I also do not have legions of female fans who scream my name with a squeal at the end, and who want to take pictures with me everywhere they see me. They only appear when i close my eyes.
17. I like peace and quiet, especially at the beach. Unfortunately, the view keeps getting obscured by Bangla workers walking past hand-in-hand. Its so irritating to have a sentosa hiatus interrupted by foreign workers walking around everywhere. Plus the hand-holding thing is so freaky!
18. I think I'm quite full of nonsense.
19. LOVE DANCE. Hip-hop and modern, and lockin and poppin. But i don't do any anymore, because i think life is taking me in new directions. Also because i can't reach my toes anymore.
20. Pigeons are funny creatures. When another pigeon lands next to other pigeons on a ledge, they'll shuffle around in their little pigeon step until they're equidistant from each other. Its also very funny when they shit on people's cars. I like animals la haha, too bad i don't have animal planet or national geographic on tv.
21. French is a beautiful language and i'm learning it now!
22. My life is full of contradictions! Like, I'm always looking for new stuff to eat, but i'm also totally contented eating the same stuff everyday. And i'm easily bored by alot things, but i feel reassured by the boring constancy of things. And i like to meet new people but i don't really like talking to people i don't know very well. Uh.
23. I would never have written this if i did not also read the weird/funny/strange things about people beforehand! It was pretty fun to read!
24. There's a lion dance going on in the void deck of the next block, and the chiangchiangchianging is sync-ing with red hot chili pepper's "by the way" on itunes...... its a divine sign that i should close the windows.
25. i try to do things differently, or at least I'd like to think so. because it'd be no fun otherwise! very soon i will change the world too.
haha just kidding, i'm not obama.
THE END.
Tagged by: Michelle Teo, and Trixie Tang, who likes food, and pandas, and to whom i will give a packet of hello panda just to see her reaction.
1. I love coffee and gummies. Coffee makes my world go round! Gummies just give me cavities, so there's a bit of a love-hate thing going on there.
2. I keep fish. A corner of my balcony is filled with fishtanks haha! Some of my fish are like 'only for expert care' in taxonomy guides, but I'm pretty 'beginner care' only so there seems to be some discrepancy somewhere. I also have a tortoise that eats beans and craps everywhere in the balcony.
3. I love sashimi! Eh.. the karma works out somehow. Anyway i already expect i'll be reborn as a cockroach.
4. CATS! not the musical i mean, which i've never watched, but i love big fluffy real cats! I'd keep them but i'm afraid they'll escape thru the windows from my 3rd floor place and die. And they'll eat my fish.
5. I'm actually pretty clueless most of the time! Sometimes i walk into the LT without knowing what the class is, and I still need to look at the signs to get around arts fac. so sometimes people think i'm dao when i walk past them in the corridors or in the deck...but i'm actually just kinda lost.
6. Conversations: Its not because i don't have anything intelligent to say, but because I like to listen to what other people are saying.
7. When I was young: I once dived off a table, hit the wall and got sent to the hospital for a broken arm. I once also spun around until i got so dizzy I hit my face onto the same table and got sent to the hospital for split gums. Another time, I did a backflip off a lorry and got sent to the hospital for stitches on my head. But they were all different hospitals, so it was pretty cool.
8. I want to join another sport, and gain weight, but neither seems to be happening:(
9. I've failed every math test except at my PSLEs and 'O' Levels, tho I got F9 for AO Math at my 'A's. I do know how to count though. Toes are very useful.
10. I'm easily amused! If i ever laugh at you, please don't take it badly! It's just that i'm super amused by the random things people say or do, and it keeps me happy in a generally depressing world. :D
11. I love my friends alot! After my relative hermitage of some time ago, I'm trying to rediscover all my old friends. One of the things I sincerely regret was leaving them of out my life during those years, and relying on the arbitrary significance of a 'significant' other. Yeah, I'm doing time for it now, but i've learnt a valuable lesson:)
12. <-- Twelve is blank because of quantum.
13. Green stuff is cool. Like recycling, trees, and my room wall cos i painted it green.
14. SHOPPING. When i'm bored i go shopping, even if its by myself, and look at clothes and accessories and random stuff like gachapon egg-capsule thingies. My mum scolds me for having more clothes than my sister.
15. I feel that its perfectly fine for a guy to have alot of clothes. And like shopping. And sometimes gush about hot guys.
16. I also do not have legions of female fans who scream my name with a squeal at the end, and who want to take pictures with me everywhere they see me. They only appear when i close my eyes.
17. I like peace and quiet, especially at the beach. Unfortunately, the view keeps getting obscured by Bangla workers walking past hand-in-hand. Its so irritating to have a sentosa hiatus interrupted by foreign workers walking around everywhere. Plus the hand-holding thing is so freaky!
18. I think I'm quite full of nonsense.
19. LOVE DANCE. Hip-hop and modern, and lockin and poppin. But i don't do any anymore, because i think life is taking me in new directions. Also because i can't reach my toes anymore.
20. Pigeons are funny creatures. When another pigeon lands next to other pigeons on a ledge, they'll shuffle around in their little pigeon step until they're equidistant from each other. Its also very funny when they shit on people's cars. I like animals la haha, too bad i don't have animal planet or national geographic on tv.
21. French is a beautiful language and i'm learning it now!
22. My life is full of contradictions! Like, I'm always looking for new stuff to eat, but i'm also totally contented eating the same stuff everyday. And i'm easily bored by alot things, but i feel reassured by the boring constancy of things. And i like to meet new people but i don't really like talking to people i don't know very well. Uh.
23. I would never have written this if i did not also read the weird/funny/strange things about people beforehand! It was pretty fun to read!
24. There's a lion dance going on in the void deck of the next block, and the chiangchiangchianging is sync-ing with red hot chili pepper's "by the way" on itunes...... its a divine sign that i should close the windows.
25. i try to do things differently, or at least I'd like to think so. because it'd be no fun otherwise! very soon i will change the world too.
haha just kidding, i'm not obama.
THE END.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
huh!?
I'm kinda confused right now, and I feel pretty entitled to it. While I saw it coming and was generally approving of the match, what i didn't expect was the when and in what manner. It was pleasant to know the two of you fit like peas in a pod, and i was glad that he liked you so much to get together that soon... but. Wasn't something missing? ie, telling me about it? You could tell me 'oh, cos I wasn't sure mah...' and you'd expect me to believe you...you, Miss Self-Confident, I-Always-Know-Whats-Happening, and who once chided me for not being able to see things (eg your affection?) that are right in front of me? I feel somewhat betrayed in the manner of events...
But then again. It was an open relationship, and while I could have, I shouldn't expect too much especially in retrospect. I do feel like I disappointed you, in what I could not give you. I do feel I led you on for a bit too long, in my own semi-reciprocity. But now, I just wish you happiness, peace and contentment, and that he treasures you for all the specialness that you are. I can say I loved you in my own way... but only he could give you that full-blown romantic love, that spiritual comfort, that musical passion..
And though things might never go back to the way they were between us before our episode, I wish that we remain friends.
But then again. It was an open relationship, and while I could have, I shouldn't expect too much especially in retrospect. I do feel like I disappointed you, in what I could not give you. I do feel I led you on for a bit too long, in my own semi-reciprocity. But now, I just wish you happiness, peace and contentment, and that he treasures you for all the specialness that you are. I can say I loved you in my own way... but only he could give you that full-blown romantic love, that spiritual comfort, that musical passion..
And though things might never go back to the way they were between us before our episode, I wish that we remain friends.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
days of days over you
So soon, and its tomorrow again.
I couldn't sleep last night, and the images of days past returned to haunt me; recurring nightmares of regret and anger, bile and melancholy, til i had to sit up in bed, get up and do something else to wash off the sins of yesterdays. What does it take to reclaim the lost years of my life from these memories? These lost years laid waste to by my error of judgment... and, most of all, the cholera of your petty ignorance. The thing I hate most in life, but yet come in droves - stupid people. Yet in my blindness I was another stupid person. Deep down inside, I hate myself sometimes. Resentment has a funny way of gurgling to the top when you least expect it...
So soon, and its time to sleep, so that tomorrow will come faster.
I guess I won't be going for ultimate tomorrow morning after all. Sorry josh!
And, I'm grateful for the friends I have, the people I love, and what my parents have given me. That's really all we have to get through this life, and I'm grateful for what I've been given.
dream on days over you
I couldn't sleep last night, and the images of days past returned to haunt me; recurring nightmares of regret and anger, bile and melancholy, til i had to sit up in bed, get up and do something else to wash off the sins of yesterdays. What does it take to reclaim the lost years of my life from these memories? These lost years laid waste to by my error of judgment... and, most of all, the cholera of your petty ignorance. The thing I hate most in life, but yet come in droves - stupid people. Yet in my blindness I was another stupid person. Deep down inside, I hate myself sometimes. Resentment has a funny way of gurgling to the top when you least expect it...
So soon, and its time to sleep, so that tomorrow will come faster.
I guess I won't be going for ultimate tomorrow morning after all. Sorry josh!
And, I'm grateful for the friends I have, the people I love, and what my parents have given me. That's really all we have to get through this life, and I'm grateful for what I've been given.
dream on days over you
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
in december
wow i actually ran today.
its been such a long time since i really used this pair of old legs. tired feet and cold air, the burn of lungs and legs, the sound of breath and gravel. i remember what it was like to love this feeling.
we're getting old, aren't we.
a memory of:
a quiet september morning, reaching the bus stop with no one there. the sluggish push of my own slowing motion; the heat of sunshine; the shiver of a leaf and i'm motionless under tree-shade. breezeless, everything stands in tableau, the trees still as if expectant, the air like glass around me. feeling like if i move, i might just fall through this world. noiseless and still, soundless and waiting: nothing moving but coiled like a spring.
dreaming in the slight shimmer of haze.
the weight of God's gaze in the dusted light.
moments where realness dissipates into syrup, and the world feels like a spiritual place.
its been such a long time since i really used this pair of old legs. tired feet and cold air, the burn of lungs and legs, the sound of breath and gravel. i remember what it was like to love this feeling.
we're getting old, aren't we.
a memory of:
a quiet september morning, reaching the bus stop with no one there. the sluggish push of my own slowing motion; the heat of sunshine; the shiver of a leaf and i'm motionless under tree-shade. breezeless, everything stands in tableau, the trees still as if expectant, the air like glass around me. feeling like if i move, i might just fall through this world. noiseless and still, soundless and waiting: nothing moving but coiled like a spring.
dreaming in the slight shimmer of haze.
the weight of God's gaze in the dusted light.
moments where realness dissipates into syrup, and the world feels like a spiritual place.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Carrots
doin much better, feeling much healthier.
i think life is looking up:)
8DAYS in an interview with Andrea Fonseka and Tay Ping Hui, on diamonds and relationships:
"Ping Hui, would you take jewellery back from an ex?
Andrea: (mock whispers) Depends on how much he bought it for.
Ping Hui: If the break-up is amicable, I'll ask her to keep it. If she's a bitch who treated me like shit, then I'll take it back.
What will you do with it?
Andrea: Give it to the next one, and pretend nothing happened. (laughs)
Ping Hui: No, I'll put it on eBay."
I just find it really amusing:p
I'd probably just wear them myself lolS!
but first I'd have to take them back from the bitch. :|
i think life is looking up:)
8DAYS in an interview with Andrea Fonseka and Tay Ping Hui, on diamonds and relationships:
"Ping Hui, would you take jewellery back from an ex?
Andrea: (mock whispers) Depends on how much he bought it for.
Ping Hui: If the break-up is amicable, I'll ask her to keep it. If she's a bitch who treated me like shit, then I'll take it back.
What will you do with it?
Andrea: Give it to the next one, and pretend nothing happened. (laughs)
Ping Hui: No, I'll put it on eBay."
I just find it really amusing:p
I'd probably just wear them myself lolS!
but first I'd have to take them back from the bitch. :|
Monday, September 15, 2008
walk in the ballpark
Sunday night.
No mood to type anything meaningful. And feeling so tired. It was super nice meeting liz and howard and the rest of the peeps today. Joseph Gerri Amelia Kenny yingxian + liz howard, and we played captain’s ball and Frisbee till the day wound down and darkened into drizzly evening.. we dint win anything but man it was fun, especially Frisbee. We lost our first two captain’s ball matches, then played Frisbee in the considerable time between our second and final match in the league..
inspired by our Frisbee tactics (or antics!) we won our final match 8-0!
HAHAHA the irony!
Saturday, August 02, 2008
the mechanics of Rita Repulsar
if you wanna make a dance performance-worthy FAST, you have to scold people...its like one of those unspoken laws of the universe, where the degree of excellence is directly proportional to the crass meanness of the choreographer. No offence, but some serious dole-out of mean bitchitude should have happened two weeks ago, whether or not those on the receiving end choose to stay or leave.
Becuase to put it simply, you only have to scold the good ones once for them to self-motivate and improve - its those who fail to improve time and again who get scolded twice or more, and if they leave then all the better for the dance.
Cruel, but i'm getting sick of watching the dance wallow in its shittiness, two days away from our Oweek showcase.
On a brighter note, I'm so happy to be single again!
Becuase to put it simply, you only have to scold the good ones once for them to self-motivate and improve - its those who fail to improve time and again who get scolded twice or more, and if they leave then all the better for the dance.
Cruel, but i'm getting sick of watching the dance wallow in its shittiness, two days away from our Oweek showcase.
On a brighter note, I'm so happy to be single again!
Saturday, July 05, 2008
les enfants terribles
Terrible.
It makes me lie awake at night, paused halfway through the message. How do I continue, and how do I end? Could I even press the "Send"?
Its tearing me apart, and I cant take it anymore...
It makes me lie awake at night, paused halfway through the message. How do I continue, and how do I end? Could I even press the "Send"?
Its tearing me apart, and I cant take it anymore...
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Tears for us forgotten
What is going on.
What is going on.
What is going on.
I needed you, but you weren't there -
when that little reassurance was all I needed.
I no longer know what I mean to you, and you no longer fill that space within me like you used to.
Sometimes... it feels like you're not there at all, but an emptiness of frustration and unanswered questions.
Emptiness that pulls like a vacuum on the heartstrings.
Half full is exactly half empty.
What is going on.
What is going on.
I needed you, but you weren't there -
when that little reassurance was all I needed.
I no longer know what I mean to you, and you no longer fill that space within me like you used to.
Sometimes... it feels like you're not there at all, but an emptiness of frustration and unanswered questions.
Emptiness that pulls like a vacuum on the heartstrings.
Half full is exactly half empty.
Monday, June 30, 2008
like..duh (but grayscaled, and magnified)
for all the shades of gray in my life, i have to go and add more to it.. oh just tip the cauldron of wrought emotional iron into my brain.
like you said, your life can only have black and white..but mine is full of the things in between. Conflict? Complement? But with my overactive mind's eye I need to imagine things before they can happen..imagine all the yes nos and maybes so that I feel secure in my insecurities..think about all the possibles and perhapses between black and white.
When you said what you said, it was something unexpected, but something I expected.. an ocean of gray for me, and the black-and-white for you..
While my anchor of reality drifts a month away, out of sight, out of touch..
My heart is battered in the surf, and covered in the waves. I hurt but no one will see it.
like you said, your life can only have black and white..but mine is full of the things in between. Conflict? Complement? But with my overactive mind's eye I need to imagine things before they can happen..imagine all the yes nos and maybes so that I feel secure in my insecurities..think about all the possibles and perhapses between black and white.
When you said what you said, it was something unexpected, but something I expected.. an ocean of gray for me, and the black-and-white for you..
While my anchor of reality drifts a month away, out of sight, out of touch..
My heart is battered in the surf, and covered in the waves. I hurt but no one will see it.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
sous les cieux sans nuages
Happy.
Its been such a long time as usual..whenever does blogging actually take the place of real life? I'd rather spend the ten minutes typing doing something else..but when you're bored and there's nothing let to entertain you, sometimes reflection on your life is a good thing.
A mirror to the soul.
I take it that Im not feeling up to beat as usual..otherwise i wouldnt be posting anything..this blog is like my sink of depressivity.. the times i need to empty my mind and rant. sous les cieux sans nuages - under cloudless skies.
oweek filming is finally done, but part of me feels like it should have gone on longer..so many more angles to see things, so many ideas to put through, intensify the plot, develop the characters, elements of humours, delirious outtakes..i like the people..i like filming..i like making things..and it feels good to be doing something constructive.
and the gravity of attraction.. temptation looks you in the eye, and you're bound to say aye?
gf come back soon please, i need to renew my infatuation with you..
now bash is lost. i am lost. i cannot cope with just myself giving direction, because i've already lost direction..the club that fueled my passion in sem 1 has already withered into my personal prison..the things that the club could have achieved! I tremble in the thought of what a cohesive committee with initiative and drive could have done..
but faith is blind sometimes. faith that people could put aside their personal ambitions, their private selfishness, their unrevealed idiocy..what of this club is left but the name? call it the non-committee, perhaps.. the non-existent MC. Derisive. Spit.
I thought we did this a long time ago?
and the fat guy still dared to want to shake my hand and say "yes, but this time is the real one"
so i've been lied to for the past two months?
"but we still dont talk to each other!"
So?
"but its for the MC!"
I dont care.
and i remember the moist-sticky feeling from your palm, cos you were sweating..
For the record. what has the MC been but a convenient power-hold for you. and its now in shambles, and you dare to say its for the MC, as if you ever took the time to build it up, hold it together, or try to mend the rifts that have now spread beyond repair. just cos i shook your hand doesnt mean i will ever accept having a bastard like you as a friend.
everytime i step into the clubroom is a reminder of what this MC could have done, how this MC could have been better, what this MC could have been..but i forget, as always. People will be people. Selfish, arrogant, foolish.
But maybe when my disappointment runs deeps, my expectations are too high..
but today feels ok. Mailrun will look good, im sure of it..i did the covers and backpage, and the bash design..proud of myself and my getting-better editing
i still find it hard to find oneself..everyday i still look for the me i feel i've lost..the part that slips away (or awake?) when i dream, the part that fades as pass day-old into the morning..maybe i chase shadows, but I know, i just know..everyday i lose a bit more of myself, as i gain a bit more of my otherness..
the reason i hate blogging is because i always lose track of what i want to say next.
Its been such a long time as usual..whenever does blogging actually take the place of real life? I'd rather spend the ten minutes typing doing something else..but when you're bored and there's nothing let to entertain you, sometimes reflection on your life is a good thing.
A mirror to the soul.
I take it that Im not feeling up to beat as usual..otherwise i wouldnt be posting anything..this blog is like my sink of depressivity.. the times i need to empty my mind and rant. sous les cieux sans nuages - under cloudless skies.
oweek filming is finally done, but part of me feels like it should have gone on longer..so many more angles to see things, so many ideas to put through, intensify the plot, develop the characters, elements of humours, delirious outtakes..i like the people..i like filming..i like making things..and it feels good to be doing something constructive.
and the gravity of attraction.. temptation looks you in the eye, and you're bound to say aye?
gf come back soon please, i need to renew my infatuation with you..
now bash is lost. i am lost. i cannot cope with just myself giving direction, because i've already lost direction..the club that fueled my passion in sem 1 has already withered into my personal prison..the things that the club could have achieved! I tremble in the thought of what a cohesive committee with initiative and drive could have done..
but faith is blind sometimes. faith that people could put aside their personal ambitions, their private selfishness, their unrevealed idiocy..what of this club is left but the name? call it the non-committee, perhaps.. the non-existent MC. Derisive. Spit.
I thought we did this a long time ago?
and the fat guy still dared to want to shake my hand and say "yes, but this time is the real one"
so i've been lied to for the past two months?
"but we still dont talk to each other!"
So?
"but its for the MC!"
I dont care.
and i remember the moist-sticky feeling from your palm, cos you were sweating..
For the record. what has the MC been but a convenient power-hold for you. and its now in shambles, and you dare to say its for the MC, as if you ever took the time to build it up, hold it together, or try to mend the rifts that have now spread beyond repair. just cos i shook your hand doesnt mean i will ever accept having a bastard like you as a friend.
everytime i step into the clubroom is a reminder of what this MC could have done, how this MC could have been better, what this MC could have been..but i forget, as always. People will be people. Selfish, arrogant, foolish.
But maybe when my disappointment runs deeps, my expectations are too high..
but today feels ok. Mailrun will look good, im sure of it..i did the covers and backpage, and the bash design..proud of myself and my getting-better editing
i still find it hard to find oneself..everyday i still look for the me i feel i've lost..the part that slips away (or awake?) when i dream, the part that fades as pass day-old into the morning..maybe i chase shadows, but I know, i just know..everyday i lose a bit more of myself, as i gain a bit more of my otherness..
the reason i hate blogging is because i always lose track of what i want to say next.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
On clarity and infatuations
And well, even as we create new things to obsess about, we mustn’t forget the important things in life. What this time is given to us for, what the club is meant to be. Sometimes when i lose myself in work i forget the greater things at stake, the grades that are the goal of my study in the university, the girl that i’ve pledged my heart to (and hers to mine?). Sometimes its easy to lose yourself when the urgency throws loops around you like a winding lifeline, saving you from drowning in the insanity of overworking, but suffocating the greater life that exist around yourself.
Writing class, at least, brings me closer to a greater realization of myself. The origins of meaning seem so inherent in all things, but purging the assumptions of convention broadens the horizons of the mind. Meaning changes and dwells, morphs and thrives through the times.
Within, throughout, without and encompassing.
My designs aren’t great but they’re getting better. Sometimes you need to spark that lightbulb above your head, and inspiration flows like water from behind a gate. But whether the room behind that gate is a one-man cell or a reservoir...
The beat of two legs
Measure out rhythms of breaths
A ride through the night
Dry run was good, hg should be proud.
Which reminds me, so many things to be done by tomorrow.
Often, when close to a deadline, I feel anxious. Yet, often, close to a deadline, my heart grows cold and my sense turns numb. Opacity of the glass on the moral compass. To do or not to do is like, whatever.
She was cute, but didn’t seem terribly smart.
Someone said cloverfield sucks big time.
Motive and thesis. Some people say, yet it isn’t the way you think it is. Tiffany...she draws me to her with the gravity of intellect, makes me wonder if i could entice her and draw her in, make her over and change her. Her intellect draws me in with the florid twisting joy of a challenged mind. If only she dresses better and not be such a nerd. Clothing identities, hello?!
But what am i talking about. This testosterone infatuation!
So many things to do and so little time. (Time for me to get moving then.) Then things will begin to look like the beginning of an end, rather than the distant start line of a marathon. I’m an ant at a crossroads, tyre-width dash by dash to safety. Stop and i’ll never get across, stop and i’ll be tread marked, just keep going and maybe i’ll get there soon enough.
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