looking at friday

tiredness…

I get the urge to be angsty again, so pathetic. About the exams and studying and everything… then again I guess everyone’s going thru it the same as me… so what do I have to complain about. Really don’t feel like studying anymore, just wanna go hole up in a library and read books, even international finance textx which surprisingly are quite interesting… so much of which the dumb school notes fail to represent, reducing all the complexities of the Marshall-Lerner Condition to a couple of nondescript lines on a page for example. Reading up on international finance while studying at the library in the early weeks b4 papers started… MLC is like a topic all in itself… cornrows of derivative equations and factors, page after page of interlinking intricacy… and that’s only one segment in the one component of econs. Gosh, its like school dumbs down everything and feeds it to us hoping we’ll believe it to be the entirety… which ashamedly we do, taking everything so face-value… how sad.

Hopefully geog continues as well as I thought it did. Human was quite good. Haha that’s an understatement it felt like the best human paper I’d ever written for a long long time. Had a strange feel to the day that day, this cloudless quiet elation during and after geog like an unction on a private pain. It felt so… strange… unnatural even, as if I’d had some clear purpose and direction, the way someone might carry on with complete and utter legitimacy of course but not knowing what course it is. Now thinking about it the cliché is ‘a great weight was lifted off his shoulders’. But it wasn’t totally like that, it just felt more like a lucidity, not a relief… so hard to describe.

And then the floundering in e8 for the first time in my life. Comparison was fine, then the prose yawned like the vacuum of deep space, but I had to go and ignore the sign ‘Unexplored Space’. I should have turned back and aced the poetry. Creffield’s private warning ringing in my ears… ‘don’t do stupid things like try questions because you think it’d be fun!’ But regrets are misplaced now certainly… what does it matter… what does it matter…

Today I just feel tired and old. No motivation to do anything that bears a resemblance to work. Read feet of clay by terry pratchett tho. Everytime ed brings home a book I’ll pick it up so I think it must be the fifth or six pratchett book I’ve read in the past two weeks… sigh. sigh! sigh!! Angst is so painful. Maybe after As I’ll fall into depression and climb to the top of some solitary mountain and meditate. Sigh As is simply screwing up my life, most days I wake up and have no idea what I’m supposed to do, no anticipation of new things to try today, new experiences. Enslaved to exams. All my plans dissected like frogs, spread out and pencilled on sheets, preserved but withered, dried out. How many illusions will dissipate after As?

Which reminds me: “A joke is like a frog. You can dissect it to see how it works, but it tends to die in the process.” Indeed. Again, the genius of Pratchett.

Iamb – stress unstress
Trochee – unstress stress
Spondee – stress stress
Pyrrhic – unstress unstress
Dactyl – stress unstress unstress
Amphybrach – unstress stress unstress
Anapaest – unstress unstress stress
Proceleusmatic – unstress unstress unstress unstress
Dispondee – stress stress stress stress

I cant get over the dispondee, its just too punny to be true.
Must remember to get the peotry notes back from yina

Dear Lord… Please give my friends the strength they need to push through the next two weeks of examinations, give them the fortitude to carry on even as You carry them Lord… and I ask You Lord if I may, bless them and keep them safe… in all things I come to You Lord, and I thank You, amen.

20th nov 2004 2214

i havent finished studying e1

6 in the evening
eleven more hours before I wake.

a room in darkness is lost.
the icebox rattles its bones
shivers and complains. Cold
toes wrinkle and curl. Old
coffee curdles cobweb foam.
Earphones chatter forgotten
by the table lamp skeleton;

its empty eye socket glares.
My hand frozen in mid-reach
is a tableau in shadow.

I must have gone to sleep.
Eleven more hours before tomorrow.

The monsoon plays clockwork on my roof.

little wretched papers

what has been going on the past few days? everyone seems so adrift. adrift on their own little rafts in a general atmosphere of... oh i dunno. whatever comforts can support them now at this time.

just feeling a bit of despondency at the whole exam thingummy.

sulynn told me something about Ecclesiastes having a portion about ppl not being able to study too much or something. i forgot what she said the passage was or where it is except that its in Ecclesiastes and Ecclesiastes is bbIgG and i am LLaZzY.

one thing i've known for a long time:

God wont save you if you wont save yourself.

so there you go. save yourselves darling friends.

and then comes the part with 'God bless'.