vehicle exhaust

Gosh

Nearly dint want to wake up and go for practice today.

Three days of 11 to 6 already.

I am tired.

But its always like this isn't it? Eugene u is one lazy ass. Lazy ass!! Study also don’t want to study. Dance also, go halfway then lazy already. Lazy ass!

Haiz.

At least... today wasn’t a waste

I know my choreo well enough;

Lawrence ang wont give me my national colours cert;

And what you wanted wasn’t what I thought it was, was it?
To think I thought we could have had something to pursue... well... I think I got things the right way around now.

Argh. I hate being so stupid. 

dancedancerevisited

Oh gosh it feels good to be back on the dance floor!!

Last night looking through my old msgs I saw wayne’s invite to join the prom dance thing so I asked him if I could still… and yes I could yes I could. At first was kinda worried cos I’m not exactly on talking terms with most of the dance com… but it was alright in the end, thank goodness it was really an OGL only thing, other than me… none of the other dance ppl besides wayne and joshy otherwise I’d just have walked out of there… and wen yee who was also supposed to be in but is presently poodle knows where… anyway so happy! Dancing! Learnt two sets of choreo today ohmigosh after about halfway through the day everything gets fuzzy and all the different bits of choreo got jumbled up and confused confused. Haha spent most of today in confusion… but it’ll get better I hope… tmrw is a new day. :p

Happy.

Anw it seems there’s always this tension between me and wayne, some conflicting egos and friction that has been around for as long as we got into dance together, but that we’d gloss over under the pretext of ‘professionalism’ and having to be in the same choreos togather and supporting each other. But yeah, coming back, being around him again… its still there like gauze… we dint talk much today other than some perfunctory stuff. Mebbe its me. Mebbe its him. Mebbe both of us. Things are on glass it seems, even if either of us don’t admit it openly.

So many new ppl to get to know! Yes happy.

Haha as it turns out his choreo is just neat copying of live performances. And I thought he’d actually do his own choreo for a change… heh. Artistic plagiarism… just that no one notices. Hmmmph and to think he builds his reputation on other ppl’s moves. Photocopy!

Okay…
bitching hours are officially over. Come again tmrw.

I just realized today is december.

Happy December everyone! :) Xmas is coming soon :)
1st dec 2004 23.27

and we breathe

Finally.

This is the hour of lead
After great pain, a formal feeling comes
The nerves sit ceremonious, like tombs
As freezing persons recollect the snow
First chill, then stupor, then the letting go




After all this it comes down to nothing. There is no meaning, and there is no answer, but there is just… nothing. I am numb today. I feel nothing. File out of the room and there is just a stillness like the death of a child, a frozen weight on your feet that slips you when you walk, and you know nothing counted for anything, and you ask yourself so how now and the usual comforting voice in your head answers in emptiness I Do Not Know.

I came home alone today as usual. The class went out for dinner but I just couldn’t. I came home and took a bath and played some d2 and had my usual coffee. This sane regularity is enough for now. I need to simmer in self-pity for a while.

soon.....

The S is near.

Yes that’s a pun hahahahahaha.

Its so amusing when ppl laugh at their own jokes.

After laying off studying for s papers for so long I think I’m really really unprepared for tmrw. It feels like its gonna be a jump into a pool without ur swimming trunks on cos u don’t know how u’re gonna get out safely later on… so much expectations so many eyes watching, asking how’d u do, was it difficult? I have no idea. Atmo better come out tmrw for a full question, then at least I’ll have something to bank on.

Sigh. In some ways I’m more afraid of whats coming after these two papers, after I get past these final two days of bleak drunken endurance… I’m afraid, yes I am… guys are entitled to their share of trepidation too. So many things I’d said I’d do. We’ll see how I guess… its always been we’ll see how and another day and another day perhaps. I’m just hoping...

Keep ur head on babe its ur last paper tmrw. Good luck….

28th nov 2004 20.49