black cat superstition

happy

yesterday whiling time away trying to look decent and unchildish sitting alone in the airport i had some deep thoughts that i cant for the world remember now..

thats the problem with thoughts

once you forget, you might as well never have had the memory in the first place. thats good or bad? probably both. depends on what you want to forget (or is it whether you want to forget?)

the little conundrums of daily life.

looking for a piece of paper to write spiralling thoughts down, but just too troublesome to walk around. anyway people kept looking at me for some reason, like i'm weird or something.. which made me feel super self-conscious, and a bit weird too. so just sat down outside row 17 and asked the universe what it ws trying to do.

and the answer is... 41

what!! the ultimate answer to the universe, to life, to death and to everything, is...

'41' !?!?

ah but Hitchhiker's Guide says.. you have to find the ultimate question in order to understand the ultimate answer to everything.

but i guess there just isnt any meaning to the universe, except where you choose to find it. anything, any single event can have one answer, two meanings, a thousand branches and a million divergings... but what matters is which path you choose to scramble down on that makes your life worth living. what your own beliefs tell you is true is all that makes the difference, because its your own life, and its your own choice, and what you choose to accept as truth turns into the guiding principle of your own life.

choice is an illusion? choice is rationality in a nutshell. yes to this cos its good, no to this other cos its.. not so good. people just think there is no choice because they cant accept the not so good options.

see.. people are just inherently..

stupid. fickle.

i dont understand people and their black cat superstitions sometimes.

long island daggers

oh did i say i got posted to armour? well yups did get posted there, but now hafta go for socjot slowjog (slowsqueezeyourballsjog) in brunei..
just thankful its not the initial 3 weeks we were briefed upon.. only 10 days *heaves a breath* or i'd die
best pt
best soc
best mindless waste of freakin time

24k down
mambo over
suffering from too much alcohol
not a hangover, just dizzytired.
barely slept a couple hours the past two days, plus 24k thru tues nite and mambo thru wed, i feel like falling over. if there were feathers spread out at my feet like a cushion of swans i'd close my eyes and collapse sighing into the downwards towards your concrete, leaving this world behind and filling the comfort of black lidded sleep. but i cant, cos now i need to go out and make my stoopid specs, tmrw hafta wake up freakin early to go for kitbag inspection. i feel like falling over.

i think yesterday was the drunkest i'd ever got.. if that amounted to being drunk. just couldnt walk so very straight or focus on any one thought for more than about 2.483 seconds before it recycled into a swimming vision of a big drain in front of me that im just about to walk into if i dont wake up and steer away as i wander zigzagging from zouk down to chinablack looking for melfin the fairy. im going crazy now.

tomorrow my kitten's returning from viet. i think she'd love some flowers. i think i'd love her back, just in one piece, safe and smiling her sweet smile.
Amen

gulfs of torn sky

and today coming home was thinking..


1. every moment i spend out is a moment less i spend at home

2. which makes it less and less worth the while of going home with every minute more i delay, because i'll spend more effort travelling than is worth the rest at home

3. there will come a point where it just becomes technically not viable to go home

4. should i go home?

5. oh yah, i need fresh clothes.


since when did i become so mercenary? shit i hate myself.

yellow brains in the washing machine

was reading a book in the library

it was called '30000 mornings'
find it and you'll understand what i'm trying to get at.

why do men have so much testosterone. cant we think of sex less? desire less? lust less? all these sins and indecencies that arise from faithlessness and torrid loss of control. men are disgusting. always looking to hug kiss touch sniff grope squeeze caress looking for the next fix next roll in the shack. disgustingly amorous creatures.

i could go on about stupid disgusting males being male, but i there's this dumb irony of me writing it. i just wanna point out an obvious fact that everyone knows already, so that people can confirm it and nod in agreement 'yesyes, oh what a good point' and everyone will think i am a sensitive, thoughtful and wholly unfilthy brudder.

gah.

turning into some self-hate already.


ahhhhhhhh not enough sleep.