Yesterday was an amazing day… cant even remember how long I slept, just that I woke up this morning. Wow. I think I fell asleep at eleven or twelve in the afternoon, squirmed into awareness a few times and finally got up this morning at 830. A day vanishes, and suddenly im standing on the tail of 2005.
Anyway mambo was quite fun, but joshy was right it was SUPER crowded, goodness the queue was until the end of the street so I went to the front and started chatting to this guy with his ns buddies and he let me cut mwahaha… then realized one of them was my acsi track senior tada!! He couldn’t recognize me. And if not for his name I wouldn’t have recognized him either. Haha. Amusing.
Then mambo itself… haha I couldn’t stop myself from laughing when I first went in cos of all the crazy ppl doing stupid hand actions altogether and looking absolutely retarded… but later on the dance floor with malley and nicole and aimee it was really fun!! Those retarded hand actions are deceptively fun, especially when with friends. But we dint know most of the movements so we pretended to be real pro and do some stupid hand waving and tacky actions of our own. Cos we pro what. Veeerry amusing.
Anyways on the way to newton with lionel and zhaf and evan after everything zhaf took us to this roti john and prata shop nearby which served really delicious food. Next time at zouk, must bring ppl to go eat there with me. But when eating was so tired after having only slept a bit the night before that I felt like I would fall into my roti john. There were so many ppl there it took like ten minutes just for the drinks to arrived… drinks! Simple haundred plus and lime juice and ice lemon tea! Testament to the good food haha. Or maybe just the proximity to zouk with all its early morning party people.
Made sixty bucks! From selling some of my cards! But I think now there’s only like 20 bucks of that left haha. Sorting and selling cards is like so tiring you wont believe it until you try it.
And you know what? It sucks when ppl cancel on you, especially if u’re prepared to feed them dinner made with your own two hands. Brandon was supposed to cook spaghetti for a couple of friends and family, but the friends decided they dint want to come anymore while we were shopping for ingredients so had to call the whole thing off. I wasn’t the one holding the dinner or doing the cooking, but still, it felt like shit to have ppl decide to cancel AND not tell you until you take the courtesy to call them yourself. What does that tell about a person? Chihuahua poodly irritating. Lesson: make up your bloody mind.
And melf thanks so much so much so much!!!!! THANK YOU!! For your hospitality warmth graciousness 2am supper good hostmanship etc etc. Yup. If I stay over again I will be doing the blanjahing. Or you could come stay over at my place and be bored out of your underwear.
And brandon thanks so much for letting me wear your shirt and using your hair stuff and cleanser and moisturizer without which I would have felt exceedingly ugly and never have gone zouk… and using your house… and being a cool business partner haha!!
And I’d like to thank my producer and manager and all the lighting crew and costume designers without which none of this could have happened. Thank you all so much and I hope we’ll be making more fabulous moments in the future. Cheers.
Friday, December 31, 2004
Saturday, December 25, 2004
and the air is a weight on your shoulders
orchard road a matchstick box, and we the matchstick people.
jostling in the crowd.
‘wahlau who pushed me’ --
--‘bitch!’ --
‘make way and move leh’ --
-- ‘oi! **** lah’
a treetrunk couple lodged in the middle of a human stream
strange how ugly faces swim to the surface in this xmas sea.
xmas eve party was a bit disappointing… quite empty, even phuture had space enough to move around quite freely.
seemin challenged me to get a girl and her number.
somehow… clubbing is more exciting by yourself, but more enjoyable when with friends. When dancing without ppl u know around it feels more liberating, like there’s no one you know and judges you and remembers if you try to chat someone up or dance with someone… more unrestricted somehow. I guess that’s what peer pressure feels like, to accomplish conformist and conventional non-feats, and do utterly important, normal things. And the thing is, we all bend so efficiently and stupidly to societal pressure, so arent we all oxymorons…
I haven't found a way out.
I guess we all need at least some element of conformity to survive.
by the time we left at five I passed her test four times and gotten one number. But looking back I just feel ashamed. That all I had in mind at that time, at most of that entire four-hour-spanning-moment which I felt encompassed the challenge, was to ‘get a girl’. It was fun, yes, quite enjoyable from a normal perspective to dance with someone, but what feels disgusting now is the fact that I felt so impelled to obey, to gain approval, to pass her ‘test’ and not lose face in front of sees and waiyin…
no artificial ingredients or sugar. comes with all-natural fibres. 100 % peer pressure juice.
I wont have it again.
jostling in the crowd.
‘wahlau who pushed me’ --
--‘bitch!’ --
‘make way and move leh’ --
-- ‘oi! **** lah’
a treetrunk couple lodged in the middle of a human stream
strange how ugly faces swim to the surface in this xmas sea.
xmas eve party was a bit disappointing… quite empty, even phuture had space enough to move around quite freely.
seemin challenged me to get a girl and her number.
somehow… clubbing is more exciting by yourself, but more enjoyable when with friends. When dancing without ppl u know around it feels more liberating, like there’s no one you know and judges you and remembers if you try to chat someone up or dance with someone… more unrestricted somehow. I guess that’s what peer pressure feels like, to accomplish conformist and conventional non-feats, and do utterly important, normal things. And the thing is, we all bend so efficiently and stupidly to societal pressure, so arent we all oxymorons…
I haven't found a way out.
I guess we all need at least some element of conformity to survive.
by the time we left at five I passed her test four times and gotten one number. But looking back I just feel ashamed. That all I had in mind at that time, at most of that entire four-hour-spanning-moment which I felt encompassed the challenge, was to ‘get a girl’. It was fun, yes, quite enjoyable from a normal perspective to dance with someone, but what feels disgusting now is the fact that I felt so impelled to obey, to gain approval, to pass her ‘test’ and not lose face in front of sees and waiyin…
no artificial ingredients or sugar. comes with all-natural fibres. 100 % peer pressure juice.
I wont have it again.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
life lesions
Faced with a blank page the utter absolution of emptiness and numbing black of a mind drawn wiped with a window shutter and pulled across the blinds of the day. Clean like the bowels of a blue sky.
Quote of the day: ‘Nothing succeeds like success.’ – Alexandre Dumas
I’ve never known a more thought-inspiring quote.
Reading it, my mind was flooded with thoughts, like:
a) ‘what?’
b) ‘huh?’
c) ‘this guy is a moron’
d) ‘does that mean nothing exceeds like excess?’ and
e) ‘how many seeds can a seedsucker suck if a seedsucker can suck seeds?’
bought this lil box of quotable quote cards which is very nice. after fruitlessly searching with wai for more gifts under a super-tight budget. So this quote was one of the more ‘inspirational’ ones I guess...
anyway one of the nicer ones is this:
‘It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best at the end knows the triumph of achievement; and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.’
-- Theodore Roosevelt
and reading it I felt like, yeah that’s so true, and everything I’d ever tried doing or accomplished came back to me in bits and pieces… ‘uh-oh self-evaluation time’ said this lil voice in my head…
but anyway was just thinking that person needs to know what its like at the bottom, to be able to comprehend fully what it means to be like at the top, that without knowing defeat the privilege of victory really becomes a superficial experience. Losing once breaks your heart. Losing a few times gives you determination. Losing so many times is like a cleansing; it reminds you of who you are and your place in the world, all delusions of your self-importance or ability is stripped clear, and a kind of resilience settles in to keep you competing. But above all, losing teaches you that wining is really just the icing. I guess the quote just reminded me that I owe a lot of who I’ve become to track and my coaches and training buddies.
There really is nothing that one cannot do, as long as one wants to try, and not give up.
Quote of the day: ‘Nothing succeeds like success.’ – Alexandre Dumas
I’ve never known a more thought-inspiring quote.
Reading it, my mind was flooded with thoughts, like:
a) ‘what?’
b) ‘huh?’
c) ‘this guy is a moron’
d) ‘does that mean nothing exceeds like excess?’ and
e) ‘how many seeds can a seedsucker suck if a seedsucker can suck seeds?’
bought this lil box of quotable quote cards which is very nice. after fruitlessly searching with wai for more gifts under a super-tight budget. So this quote was one of the more ‘inspirational’ ones I guess...
anyway one of the nicer ones is this:
‘It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best at the end knows the triumph of achievement; and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.’
-- Theodore Roosevelt
and reading it I felt like, yeah that’s so true, and everything I’d ever tried doing or accomplished came back to me in bits and pieces… ‘uh-oh self-evaluation time’ said this lil voice in my head…
but anyway was just thinking that person needs to know what its like at the bottom, to be able to comprehend fully what it means to be like at the top, that without knowing defeat the privilege of victory really becomes a superficial experience. Losing once breaks your heart. Losing a few times gives you determination. Losing so many times is like a cleansing; it reminds you of who you are and your place in the world, all delusions of your self-importance or ability is stripped clear, and a kind of resilience settles in to keep you competing. But above all, losing teaches you that wining is really just the icing. I guess the quote just reminded me that I owe a lot of who I’ve become to track and my coaches and training buddies.
There really is nothing that one cannot do, as long as one wants to try, and not give up.
Monday, December 20, 2004
fingers with liqour finishes
Today I saw a guy with painted nails at the counter at giant. Eeeew so gross! But he was holding a conversation with the cashier at the next counter and he sounded guy enough. So he should be straight right? But why would a guy paint his nails (dark blue they were), its not as if he’s still 16 and experimenting! Mebbe he just likes dark blue nails. Or he thinks painted nails are very pretty. Or he is extremely extremely comfortable with his sexuality. Still….. it is super freaky. Eeeek.
Slept early last night. Felt so tired after the day before. Wah the bhangra was great and met chester (for a little while. he seemed very frightened of talking to me haha). Jasbir was great too. But the place was so boring! My gosh there was zero atmosphere! Which prob explains why there were so few ppl. Or mebbe the other way around hmmm. So was kinda wondering all the time why anyone would even choose to perform there. Bleargh.
Too tired to go out now. Running out of monies anyway.
Oh chihuahuas haven't bought all my prezzies yet. Argh.
Slept early last night. Felt so tired after the day before. Wah the bhangra was great and met chester (for a little while. he seemed very frightened of talking to me haha). Jasbir was great too. But the place was so boring! My gosh there was zero atmosphere! Which prob explains why there were so few ppl. Or mebbe the other way around hmmm. So was kinda wondering all the time why anyone would even choose to perform there. Bleargh.
Too tired to go out now. Running out of monies anyway.
Oh chihuahuas haven't bought all my prezzies yet. Argh.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
lets try this one more time
-Exercise one
Picture a pattern of trees, stark and black against an ashen sky. Their branches are etched sharp against the drab neutrality. Their pattern is fixed and will not change. The gray has no quality, not even the vibrancy of sight behind closed eyes. More than winter, this is certainty; the image found in the eyes of a dead man. Now ask: do you want peace and quiet?
-Exercise two
There is a field of grain, each stalk perfect, which is a field of men. There is that which is perfect in all men, common to all, and to find that thing and touch it is to transform all men. Now ask: is perfection certainty, and are we only perfect when we are dead?
-Exercise three
A plain of sand, and our footprints trail behind us, like the intertwining paths of serpents– the stories of our lives. Faces of those forgotten and buried in the sand share space with those closest to us; the serpents raise their heads around our feet, and bite our heels. The greatest taint of all is the taint left by history on your own soul. Now ask; how can you love, if you see with scarred eyes?
No pain, no gain. World’s a rough. We torment each other. Like acid in a tight metal groove; we etch. Hope?
Picture a pattern of trees, stark and black against an ashen sky. Their branches are etched sharp against the drab neutrality. Their pattern is fixed and will not change. The gray has no quality, not even the vibrancy of sight behind closed eyes. More than winter, this is certainty; the image found in the eyes of a dead man. Now ask: do you want peace and quiet?
-Exercise two
There is a field of grain, each stalk perfect, which is a field of men. There is that which is perfect in all men, common to all, and to find that thing and touch it is to transform all men. Now ask: is perfection certainty, and are we only perfect when we are dead?
-Exercise three
A plain of sand, and our footprints trail behind us, like the intertwining paths of serpents– the stories of our lives. Faces of those forgotten and buried in the sand share space with those closest to us; the serpents raise their heads around our feet, and bite our heels. The greatest taint of all is the taint left by history on your own soul. Now ask; how can you love, if you see with scarred eyes?
No pain, no gain. World’s a rough. We torment each other. Like acid in a tight metal groove; we etch. Hope?
Friday, December 17, 2004
a mouthful of gum
‘if he was sitting here, I really dunno what to say to him,’ she said. ‘if we go out with many ppl, then ok la at least still can talk with other ppl, but if only with him then I will really dunno what to say…’ She laughs.
And she was right.
I hate it when feelings get so complicated it becomes hard to interact. Its terrible. Like a glass wall. Sigh. Sometimes we can care too much for someone else, such that words stop short. Sounds absurd. But I think that’s wholly possible. Then what do we do then? I dunno. Quite frustrating, but then feelings can function both ways right? Where feelings are formative on one hand, they can be entirely self-destructive too… hmmm. Friendship is just so much easier to maintain, without losing any closeness or happiness. Or sleep. Still… its normal to long for something more than friendship, isn't it? Especially if you do care that much for someone? I mean, there’s got to be a basis for things getting to be this way….
Sometimes its just so depressing to think about these things.
Haiz. So many things weighing heavily on my mind. I think I also will really dunno what to say tmrw.
17th dec 2004 1153
And she was right.
I hate it when feelings get so complicated it becomes hard to interact. Its terrible. Like a glass wall. Sigh. Sometimes we can care too much for someone else, such that words stop short. Sounds absurd. But I think that’s wholly possible. Then what do we do then? I dunno. Quite frustrating, but then feelings can function both ways right? Where feelings are formative on one hand, they can be entirely self-destructive too… hmmm. Friendship is just so much easier to maintain, without losing any closeness or happiness. Or sleep. Still… its normal to long for something more than friendship, isn't it? Especially if you do care that much for someone? I mean, there’s got to be a basis for things getting to be this way….
Sometimes its just so depressing to think about these things.
Haiz. So many things weighing heavily on my mind. I think I also will really dunno what to say tmrw.
17th dec 2004 1153
Monday, December 13, 2004
pulling strings
These roads are haunted still –
Footfalls of ghosts fill
a shifting quietness
that ungone paths echo,
hallowed by former lives.
Curled arm and finger around stone;
the white death of old bones
these specters amidst night
leave unstirred, and weep mists
through streets where eyes past sight
watch life – drawn and never
erased, heat traced within
the depths of hearted space –
cold ghosts of breath linger;
flesh forgotten embrace.
On empty roads asleep.
Footfalls of ghosts fill
a shifting quietness
that ungone paths echo,
hallowed by former lives.
Curled arm and finger around stone;
the white death of old bones
these specters amidst night
leave unstirred, and weep mists
through streets where eyes past sight
watch life – drawn and never
erased, heat traced within
the depths of hearted space –
cold ghosts of breath linger;
flesh forgotten embrace.
On empty roads asleep.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
bookish
“Dear lady, I’ll happily accept your rules.”
“But you don’t seem to want any rules!”
“True. But I will accept any rules that you feel necessary to your freedom. I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I will tolerate them. If I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.”
“You would not abide by a law that the majority felt was necessary?”
“Tell me what law, dear lady, and I will tell you whether I will obey it.”
-- Robert A Heinlein ‘The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress’
And that Heinlein writes good sf is UnDeNiaBle…. Grab this book if u can because it is good…
“But you don’t seem to want any rules!”
“True. But I will accept any rules that you feel necessary to your freedom. I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I will tolerate them. If I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.”
“You would not abide by a law that the majority felt was necessary?”
“Tell me what law, dear lady, and I will tell you whether I will obey it.”
-- Robert A Heinlein ‘The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress’
And that Heinlein writes good sf is UnDeNiaBle…. Grab this book if u can because it is good…
no go
The Incredibles is so cute!!
To have watched it only at this time probably puts me in ‘Deprived’ status. Or ‘Tragic’. Oh chihuahuas what does it matter.
Anyway I’m running out of money. Just got a 70 buck phone bill for oct and nov ughugharghpffffft. This is too much. Too much! I’m spending too much! Get a job! 28 days more!
On Channel Newsasia now
George Harrison’s guitar for half a million
Keith Richard’s guitar for 400k
And Britney spears’ high school book report with her teacher’s remark ‘Proof read – messy’
On auction at Christy’s. What. Why ppl do dumb things is probably cos we have an inbuilt faculty for irrationality. Hence the basic econs assumption that man is rational is, like, totally stupid.
Dear Lord please take care of joshy he is sick with fever, bless him and keep him safe and let him get well soon.
To have watched it only at this time probably puts me in ‘Deprived’ status. Or ‘Tragic’. Oh chihuahuas what does it matter.
Anyway I’m running out of money. Just got a 70 buck phone bill for oct and nov ughugharghpffffft. This is too much. Too much! I’m spending too much! Get a job! 28 days more!
On Channel Newsasia now
George Harrison’s guitar for half a million
Keith Richard’s guitar for 400k
And Britney spears’ high school book report with her teacher’s remark ‘Proof read – messy’
On auction at Christy’s. What. Why ppl do dumb things is probably cos we have an inbuilt faculty for irrationality. Hence the basic econs assumption that man is rational is, like, totally stupid.
Dear Lord please take care of joshy he is sick with fever, bless him and keep him safe and let him get well soon.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
over before the night has begun
And now that the prom is long past it is easier to look back. Now that certain feelings have dampened it feels easier to reason and look ahead…like so many opportunities gone by they never come back but lie like broken branches, or empty trousers of possibles and maybes. I guess that will just have to be that, all I have fret about is my ageless stupidity and naivete… quoth Albert Einstein ‘There are two things which are infinite – the universe, and human stupidity… and we’re not very sure about the universe.’
Well. Prom itself wasn’t so bad. Thank you dear counsellors Jasmine Ian Hui Brian Malley for the seat and the privileged table haha :D
The food… had some jellyfish (my fav!) from the first course and some of joshua’s dessert which was the last course heh.
The dance… strangely unsatisfaying, probably from having to watch someone else in the spotlight. I have a fat egopoligothingo
Haha even danced with khamil during caleb’s song item… so funny, we arranged it earlier during rhrsl that khamil & I and joshy & wayne would go up during the song and make a fool of ourselves. Which I think worked perfectly and got lots of amusement from the ppl and the vip table haha :D
Took lots of pics too! But on other ppl’s cameras ah!! Not having a camera at such events is like not wearing underwear… you just feel awkward the whole night and walk around looking just distracted. Anw gotta find some way to find ppl and get them to send their pics to me heh.
And after all that… went to zouk for my virgin clubbing experience. And it was ok… so-so… got bored after about an hour cos there really are only so many different ways these flesh chassis can move. Argh. Later hearing dawn and eulyn comment it was quite good wasn’t it I went hmmm ok I’d better revise my thinking. Haha but it was fun being with friends. And meeting ppls again. And being able to let loose with ppl who are equally liberal. Yum. Compared to club dancing choreoed dance is just pure stuffy.
Then again… actually not… choreo has its subtleties and highs and troughs every move for every bitty beat. Like a rollercoaster where you know when to scream for the dive and whoop at the loops and chill along the smooth bends… but always on a track, always on constancy set out like the guide rail. Club dance is like riding a fast bike and you choose when to go slow and when to go fast and to take the highway or the street, and then find a girl to ride with and match her pace. Felt something like that. Virgin experience. Yup.
And I don’t intend to stop at once.
And later had supper and howard was drunk and hilarious to watch him. And xw got lost and threw tied into knots. Gosh just panic and cold fear at four am wishing he was safe and sound… thank God he was…
Went out for a late night/early morning walk with my darlings michy and dawn… just being relaxed and open, the way that few other ppl can understand. Sometimes I think ppl are so syndromically uptight they can never understand harmless affection, or take forms of it as overtures or horizontal desires. Dumb. What would I do without the darlings in my life who make it all worthwhile…
And… was that you crying? Was that you drunk? In trouble? I don’t know and I don’t know how to find out or from whom or even if I’m entitled to feel concerned… I don’t even know if I should be so bothered, not any more.
What constitutes this… this… fixation anyway? Sigh. Its easy to be a fool.
But its hard to see when one actually is.
8th dec 2004 2355
Well. Prom itself wasn’t so bad. Thank you dear counsellors Jasmine Ian Hui Brian Malley for the seat and the privileged table haha :D
The food… had some jellyfish (my fav!) from the first course and some of joshua’s dessert which was the last course heh.
The dance… strangely unsatisfaying, probably from having to watch someone else in the spotlight. I have a fat egopoligothingo
Haha even danced with khamil during caleb’s song item… so funny, we arranged it earlier during rhrsl that khamil & I and joshy & wayne would go up during the song and make a fool of ourselves. Which I think worked perfectly and got lots of amusement from the ppl and the vip table haha :D
Took lots of pics too! But on other ppl’s cameras ah!! Not having a camera at such events is like not wearing underwear… you just feel awkward the whole night and walk around looking just distracted. Anw gotta find some way to find ppl and get them to send their pics to me heh.
And after all that… went to zouk for my virgin clubbing experience. And it was ok… so-so… got bored after about an hour cos there really are only so many different ways these flesh chassis can move. Argh. Later hearing dawn and eulyn comment it was quite good wasn’t it I went hmmm ok I’d better revise my thinking. Haha but it was fun being with friends. And meeting ppls again. And being able to let loose with ppl who are equally liberal. Yum. Compared to club dancing choreoed dance is just pure stuffy.
Then again… actually not… choreo has its subtleties and highs and troughs every move for every bitty beat. Like a rollercoaster where you know when to scream for the dive and whoop at the loops and chill along the smooth bends… but always on a track, always on constancy set out like the guide rail. Club dance is like riding a fast bike and you choose when to go slow and when to go fast and to take the highway or the street, and then find a girl to ride with and match her pace. Felt something like that. Virgin experience. Yup.
And I don’t intend to stop at once.
And later had supper and howard was drunk and hilarious to watch him. And xw got lost and threw tied into knots. Gosh just panic and cold fear at four am wishing he was safe and sound… thank God he was…
Went out for a late night/early morning walk with my darlings michy and dawn… just being relaxed and open, the way that few other ppl can understand. Sometimes I think ppl are so syndromically uptight they can never understand harmless affection, or take forms of it as overtures or horizontal desires. Dumb. What would I do without the darlings in my life who make it all worthwhile…
And… was that you crying? Was that you drunk? In trouble? I don’t know and I don’t know how to find out or from whom or even if I’m entitled to feel concerned… I don’t even know if I should be so bothered, not any more.
What constitutes this… this… fixation anyway? Sigh. Its easy to be a fool.
But its hard to see when one actually is.
8th dec 2004 2355
Monday, December 06, 2004
decadence suidecide
the last day of practice today
wah i feel so tired cos i slept too late last night >_<
Weeeeelllll…..
Should I turn up for prom?
As it is I can either hide in our room or go shopping til someone calls me for the dance. Which is so pathetic. Or go down and be severely self-conscious while pretending a butt-ugly extension of the chair. If I even get a chair. Haiz see how la.
Sigh and then it’d be another social exercise. And chihuahuas I’d be so underdressed while everyone will be in their crisp cut jackets and expensive shirts here I am writing in my diary not knowing wat to wear.
Gonna have to dig around in my wardrobe later… and call some ppl to borrow stuff hahaha.
But haha so excited about tmrw’s dance… just hope all goes well and I remember my steps… and hafta lug the stupid scooter all the way to the ritz bleargh. Oh no I’m becoming so selfish… ok I hope EVERYONE remembers their steps, and please not get injured and the person riding my scooter not fall off. Hehehe cos the steering handle is kinda not functioning. Hehehe. But yeah we’re gonna be the biggest thing tmrw nite. Awrite. Awrite. Pink I’m gonna be in pink weeee!! Even have pink laces mwahahaha!! Yea and bought new earrings today so happy!
Its getting late.
Wayne and khamil looked dead tired today… hope they sleep early today and get better for tmrw.
Rummage for clothes
Pack
Sleep
6th dec 2004 2134
wah i feel so tired cos i slept too late last night >_<
Weeeeelllll…..
Should I turn up for prom?
As it is I can either hide in our room or go shopping til someone calls me for the dance. Which is so pathetic. Or go down and be severely self-conscious while pretending a butt-ugly extension of the chair. If I even get a chair. Haiz see how la.
Sigh and then it’d be another social exercise. And chihuahuas I’d be so underdressed while everyone will be in their crisp cut jackets and expensive shirts here I am writing in my diary not knowing wat to wear.
Gonna have to dig around in my wardrobe later… and call some ppl to borrow stuff hahaha.
But haha so excited about tmrw’s dance… just hope all goes well and I remember my steps… and hafta lug the stupid scooter all the way to the ritz bleargh. Oh no I’m becoming so selfish… ok I hope EVERYONE remembers their steps, and please not get injured and the person riding my scooter not fall off. Hehehe cos the steering handle is kinda not functioning. Hehehe. But yeah we’re gonna be the biggest thing tmrw nite. Awrite. Awrite. Pink I’m gonna be in pink weeee!! Even have pink laces mwahahaha!! Yea and bought new earrings today so happy!
Its getting late.
Wayne and khamil looked dead tired today… hope they sleep early today and get better for tmrw.
Rummage for clothes
Pack
Sleep
6th dec 2004 2134
oooh yeah shoppadelic
today went shopping with joshy for his prom stuff…
his dad tells him ‘just don’t spend too much, not more than a thousand’
if my cheeks could stretch my jaw would have hit the floor.
Chihuahuas!!
But oh oh OHmigosh… haven't been out shopping for sososoLONG!!!!! I miss the smell of aircon corridors and fresh beautiful clothes and shoes and pretty ppl on the streets so much… I feel like I just came out of prison. Come to think of it I cant even remember the last time I’ve been to town, so obsessed with notes and studying and dance and track one after another after the next. Must’ve been months goodness….
Anyway yeah baby I’m back!
I feel like myself again. Yea.
Haven't spent so much time out in a long time… and hey today was a great day of sushi (yum!) with great friends (yumyum!!) joshy melf pat nagesh… I feel so blessed I have ppl to be about with and laugh with and be stupid with and we understand each other’s idiosyncrasies and everything… Dear Lord thank you for giving me this life, and for giving me these people Lord, and please bless them and keep them safe. Your grace is sufficient for us Lord, for in You we, who are weak, are made strong, and I thank You for everything and everyday Lord.
Amen.
his dad tells him ‘just don’t spend too much, not more than a thousand’
if my cheeks could stretch my jaw would have hit the floor.
Chihuahuas!!
But oh oh OHmigosh… haven't been out shopping for sososoLONG!!!!! I miss the smell of aircon corridors and fresh beautiful clothes and shoes and pretty ppl on the streets so much… I feel like I just came out of prison. Come to think of it I cant even remember the last time I’ve been to town, so obsessed with notes and studying and dance and track one after another after the next. Must’ve been months goodness….
Anyway yeah baby I’m back!
I feel like myself again. Yea.
Haven't spent so much time out in a long time… and hey today was a great day of sushi (yum!) with great friends (yumyum!!) joshy melf pat nagesh… I feel so blessed I have ppl to be about with and laugh with and be stupid with and we understand each other’s idiosyncrasies and everything… Dear Lord thank you for giving me this life, and for giving me these people Lord, and please bless them and keep them safe. Your grace is sufficient for us Lord, for in You we, who are weak, are made strong, and I thank You for everything and everyday Lord.
Amen.
Friday, December 03, 2004
vehicle exhaust
Gosh
Nearly dint want to wake up and go for practice today.
Three days of 11 to 6 already.
I am tired.
But its always like this isn't it? Eugene u is one lazy ass. Lazy ass!! Study also don’t want to study. Dance also, go halfway then lazy already. Lazy ass!
Haiz.
At least... today wasn’t a waste
I know my choreo well enough;
Lawrence ang wont give me my national colours cert;
And what you wanted wasn’t what I thought it was, was it?
To think I thought we could have had something to pursue... well... I think I got things the right way around now.
Argh. I hate being so stupid.
Nearly dint want to wake up and go for practice today.
Three days of 11 to 6 already.
I am tired.
But its always like this isn't it? Eugene u is one lazy ass. Lazy ass!! Study also don’t want to study. Dance also, go halfway then lazy already. Lazy ass!
Haiz.
At least... today wasn’t a waste
I know my choreo well enough;
Lawrence ang wont give me my national colours cert;
And what you wanted wasn’t what I thought it was, was it?
To think I thought we could have had something to pursue... well... I think I got things the right way around now.
Argh. I hate being so stupid.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
dancedancerevisited
Oh gosh it feels good to be back on the dance floor!!
Last night looking through my old msgs I saw wayne’s invite to join the prom dance thing so I asked him if I could still… and yes I could yes I could. At first was kinda worried cos I’m not exactly on talking terms with most of the dance com… but it was alright in the end, thank goodness it was really an OGL only thing, other than me… none of the other dance ppl besides wayne and joshy otherwise I’d just have walked out of there… and wen yee who was also supposed to be in but is presently poodle knows where… anyway so happy! Dancing! Learnt two sets of choreo today ohmigosh after about halfway through the day everything gets fuzzy and all the different bits of choreo got jumbled up and confused confused. Haha spent most of today in confusion… but it’ll get better I hope… tmrw is a new day. :p
Happy.
Anw it seems there’s always this tension between me and wayne, some conflicting egos and friction that has been around for as long as we got into dance together, but that we’d gloss over under the pretext of ‘professionalism’ and having to be in the same choreos togather and supporting each other. But yeah, coming back, being around him again… its still there like gauze… we dint talk much today other than some perfunctory stuff. Mebbe its me. Mebbe its him. Mebbe both of us. Things are on glass it seems, even if either of us don’t admit it openly.
So many new ppl to get to know! Yes happy.
Haha as it turns out his choreo is just neat copying of live performances. And I thought he’d actually do his own choreo for a change… heh. Artistic plagiarism… just that no one notices. Hmmmph and to think he builds his reputation on other ppl’s moves. Photocopy!
Okay…
bitching hours are officially over. Come again tmrw.
I just realized today is december.
Happy December everyone! :) Xmas is coming soon :)
1st dec 2004 23.27
Last night looking through my old msgs I saw wayne’s invite to join the prom dance thing so I asked him if I could still… and yes I could yes I could. At first was kinda worried cos I’m not exactly on talking terms with most of the dance com… but it was alright in the end, thank goodness it was really an OGL only thing, other than me… none of the other dance ppl besides wayne and joshy otherwise I’d just have walked out of there… and wen yee who was also supposed to be in but is presently poodle knows where… anyway so happy! Dancing! Learnt two sets of choreo today ohmigosh after about halfway through the day everything gets fuzzy and all the different bits of choreo got jumbled up and confused confused. Haha spent most of today in confusion… but it’ll get better I hope… tmrw is a new day. :p
Happy.
Anw it seems there’s always this tension between me and wayne, some conflicting egos and friction that has been around for as long as we got into dance together, but that we’d gloss over under the pretext of ‘professionalism’ and having to be in the same choreos togather and supporting each other. But yeah, coming back, being around him again… its still there like gauze… we dint talk much today other than some perfunctory stuff. Mebbe its me. Mebbe its him. Mebbe both of us. Things are on glass it seems, even if either of us don’t admit it openly.
So many new ppl to get to know! Yes happy.
Haha as it turns out his choreo is just neat copying of live performances. And I thought he’d actually do his own choreo for a change… heh. Artistic plagiarism… just that no one notices. Hmmmph and to think he builds his reputation on other ppl’s moves. Photocopy!
Okay…
bitching hours are officially over. Come again tmrw.
I just realized today is december.
Happy December everyone! :) Xmas is coming soon :)
1st dec 2004 23.27
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
and we breathe
Finally.
This is the hour of lead
After great pain, a formal feeling comes
The nerves sit ceremonious, like tombs
As freezing persons recollect the snow
First chill, then stupor, then the letting go
After all this it comes down to nothing. There is no meaning, and there is no answer, but there is just… nothing. I am numb today. I feel nothing. File out of the room and there is just a stillness like the death of a child, a frozen weight on your feet that slips you when you walk, and you know nothing counted for anything, and you ask yourself so how now and the usual comforting voice in your head answers in emptiness I Do Not Know.
I came home alone today as usual. The class went out for dinner but I just couldn’t. I came home and took a bath and played some d2 and had my usual coffee. This sane regularity is enough for now. I need to simmer in self-pity for a while.
This is the hour of lead
After great pain, a formal feeling comes
The nerves sit ceremonious, like tombs
As freezing persons recollect the snow
First chill, then stupor, then the letting go
After all this it comes down to nothing. There is no meaning, and there is no answer, but there is just… nothing. I am numb today. I feel nothing. File out of the room and there is just a stillness like the death of a child, a frozen weight on your feet that slips you when you walk, and you know nothing counted for anything, and you ask yourself so how now and the usual comforting voice in your head answers in emptiness I Do Not Know.
I came home alone today as usual. The class went out for dinner but I just couldn’t. I came home and took a bath and played some d2 and had my usual coffee. This sane regularity is enough for now. I need to simmer in self-pity for a while.
Sunday, November 28, 2004
soon.....
The S is near.
Yes that’s a pun hahahahahaha.
Its so amusing when ppl laugh at their own jokes.
After laying off studying for s papers for so long I think I’m really really unprepared for tmrw. It feels like its gonna be a jump into a pool without ur swimming trunks on cos u don’t know how u’re gonna get out safely later on… so much expectations so many eyes watching, asking how’d u do, was it difficult? I have no idea. Atmo better come out tmrw for a full question, then at least I’ll have something to bank on.
Sigh. In some ways I’m more afraid of whats coming after these two papers, after I get past these final two days of bleak drunken endurance… I’m afraid, yes I am… guys are entitled to their share of trepidation too. So many things I’d said I’d do. We’ll see how I guess… its always been we’ll see how and another day and another day perhaps. I’m just hoping...
Keep ur head on babe its ur last paper tmrw. Good luck….
28th nov 2004 20.49
Yes that’s a pun hahahahahaha.
Its so amusing when ppl laugh at their own jokes.
After laying off studying for s papers for so long I think I’m really really unprepared for tmrw. It feels like its gonna be a jump into a pool without ur swimming trunks on cos u don’t know how u’re gonna get out safely later on… so much expectations so many eyes watching, asking how’d u do, was it difficult? I have no idea. Atmo better come out tmrw for a full question, then at least I’ll have something to bank on.
Sigh. In some ways I’m more afraid of whats coming after these two papers, after I get past these final two days of bleak drunken endurance… I’m afraid, yes I am… guys are entitled to their share of trepidation too. So many things I’d said I’d do. We’ll see how I guess… its always been we’ll see how and another day and another day perhaps. I’m just hoping...
Keep ur head on babe its ur last paper tmrw. Good luck….
28th nov 2004 20.49
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
phys
dear friends.
all the best for tmrw.
good luck yap xiong hui melf joshy michy teo naga gabriel josephine jo nair ian shah sumei and everyone else whose name i cant remember now...
good luck and God bless
all the best for tmrw.
good luck yap xiong hui melf joshy michy teo naga gabriel josephine jo nair ian shah sumei and everyone else whose name i cant remember now...
good luck and God bless
Saturday, November 20, 2004
looking at friday
tiredness…
I get the urge to be angsty again, so pathetic. About the exams and studying and everything… then again I guess everyone’s going thru it the same as me… so what do I have to complain about. Really don’t feel like studying anymore, just wanna go hole up in a library and read books, even international finance textx which surprisingly are quite interesting… so much of which the dumb school notes fail to represent, reducing all the complexities of the Marshall-Lerner Condition to a couple of nondescript lines on a page for example. Reading up on international finance while studying at the library in the early weeks b4 papers started… MLC is like a topic all in itself… cornrows of derivative equations and factors, page after page of interlinking intricacy… and that’s only one segment in the one component of econs. Gosh, its like school dumbs down everything and feeds it to us hoping we’ll believe it to be the entirety… which ashamedly we do, taking everything so face-value… how sad.
Hopefully geog continues as well as I thought it did. Human was quite good. Haha that’s an understatement it felt like the best human paper I’d ever written for a long long time. Had a strange feel to the day that day, this cloudless quiet elation during and after geog like an unction on a private pain. It felt so… strange… unnatural even, as if I’d had some clear purpose and direction, the way someone might carry on with complete and utter legitimacy of course but not knowing what course it is. Now thinking about it the cliché is ‘a great weight was lifted off his shoulders’. But it wasn’t totally like that, it just felt more like a lucidity, not a relief… so hard to describe.
And then the floundering in e8 for the first time in my life. Comparison was fine, then the prose yawned like the vacuum of deep space, but I had to go and ignore the sign ‘Unexplored Space’. I should have turned back and aced the poetry. Creffield’s private warning ringing in my ears… ‘don’t do stupid things like try questions because you think it’d be fun!’ But regrets are misplaced now certainly… what does it matter… what does it matter…
Today I just feel tired and old. No motivation to do anything that bears a resemblance to work. Read feet of clay by terry pratchett tho. Everytime ed brings home a book I’ll pick it up so I think it must be the fifth or six pratchett book I’ve read in the past two weeks… sigh. sigh! sigh!! Angst is so painful. Maybe after As I’ll fall into depression and climb to the top of some solitary mountain and meditate. Sigh As is simply screwing up my life, most days I wake up and have no idea what I’m supposed to do, no anticipation of new things to try today, new experiences. Enslaved to exams. All my plans dissected like frogs, spread out and pencilled on sheets, preserved but withered, dried out. How many illusions will dissipate after As?
Which reminds me: “A joke is like a frog. You can dissect it to see how it works, but it tends to die in the process.” Indeed. Again, the genius of Pratchett.
Iamb – stress unstress
Trochee – unstress stress
Spondee – stress stress
Pyrrhic – unstress unstress
Dactyl – stress unstress unstress
Amphybrach – unstress stress unstress
Anapaest – unstress unstress stress
Proceleusmatic – unstress unstress unstress unstress
Dispondee – stress stress stress stress
I cant get over the dispondee, its just too punny to be true.
Must remember to get the peotry notes back from yina
Dear Lord… Please give my friends the strength they need to push through the next two weeks of examinations, give them the fortitude to carry on even as You carry them Lord… and I ask You Lord if I may, bless them and keep them safe… in all things I come to You Lord, and I thank You, amen.
20th nov 2004 2214
I get the urge to be angsty again, so pathetic. About the exams and studying and everything… then again I guess everyone’s going thru it the same as me… so what do I have to complain about. Really don’t feel like studying anymore, just wanna go hole up in a library and read books, even international finance textx which surprisingly are quite interesting… so much of which the dumb school notes fail to represent, reducing all the complexities of the Marshall-Lerner Condition to a couple of nondescript lines on a page for example. Reading up on international finance while studying at the library in the early weeks b4 papers started… MLC is like a topic all in itself… cornrows of derivative equations and factors, page after page of interlinking intricacy… and that’s only one segment in the one component of econs. Gosh, its like school dumbs down everything and feeds it to us hoping we’ll believe it to be the entirety… which ashamedly we do, taking everything so face-value… how sad.
Hopefully geog continues as well as I thought it did. Human was quite good. Haha that’s an understatement it felt like the best human paper I’d ever written for a long long time. Had a strange feel to the day that day, this cloudless quiet elation during and after geog like an unction on a private pain. It felt so… strange… unnatural even, as if I’d had some clear purpose and direction, the way someone might carry on with complete and utter legitimacy of course but not knowing what course it is. Now thinking about it the cliché is ‘a great weight was lifted off his shoulders’. But it wasn’t totally like that, it just felt more like a lucidity, not a relief… so hard to describe.
And then the floundering in e8 for the first time in my life. Comparison was fine, then the prose yawned like the vacuum of deep space, but I had to go and ignore the sign ‘Unexplored Space’. I should have turned back and aced the poetry. Creffield’s private warning ringing in my ears… ‘don’t do stupid things like try questions because you think it’d be fun!’ But regrets are misplaced now certainly… what does it matter… what does it matter…
Today I just feel tired and old. No motivation to do anything that bears a resemblance to work. Read feet of clay by terry pratchett tho. Everytime ed brings home a book I’ll pick it up so I think it must be the fifth or six pratchett book I’ve read in the past two weeks… sigh. sigh! sigh!! Angst is so painful. Maybe after As I’ll fall into depression and climb to the top of some solitary mountain and meditate. Sigh As is simply screwing up my life, most days I wake up and have no idea what I’m supposed to do, no anticipation of new things to try today, new experiences. Enslaved to exams. All my plans dissected like frogs, spread out and pencilled on sheets, preserved but withered, dried out. How many illusions will dissipate after As?
Which reminds me: “A joke is like a frog. You can dissect it to see how it works, but it tends to die in the process.” Indeed. Again, the genius of Pratchett.
Iamb – stress unstress
Trochee – unstress stress
Spondee – stress stress
Pyrrhic – unstress unstress
Dactyl – stress unstress unstress
Amphybrach – unstress stress unstress
Anapaest – unstress unstress stress
Proceleusmatic – unstress unstress unstress unstress
Dispondee – stress stress stress stress
I cant get over the dispondee, its just too punny to be true.
Must remember to get the peotry notes back from yina
Dear Lord… Please give my friends the strength they need to push through the next two weeks of examinations, give them the fortitude to carry on even as You carry them Lord… and I ask You Lord if I may, bless them and keep them safe… in all things I come to You Lord, and I thank You, amen.
20th nov 2004 2214
Monday, November 15, 2004
i havent finished studying e1
6 in the evening
eleven more hours before I wake.
a room in darkness is lost.
the icebox rattles its bones
shivers and complains. Cold
toes wrinkle and curl. Old
coffee curdles cobweb foam.
Earphones chatter forgotten
by the table lamp skeleton;
its empty eye socket glares.
My hand frozen in mid-reach
is a tableau in shadow.
I must have gone to sleep.
Eleven more hours before tomorrow.
The monsoon plays clockwork on my roof.
eleven more hours before I wake.
a room in darkness is lost.
the icebox rattles its bones
shivers and complains. Cold
toes wrinkle and curl. Old
coffee curdles cobweb foam.
Earphones chatter forgotten
by the table lamp skeleton;
its empty eye socket glares.
My hand frozen in mid-reach
is a tableau in shadow.
I must have gone to sleep.
Eleven more hours before tomorrow.
The monsoon plays clockwork on my roof.
Sunday, November 14, 2004
little wretched papers
what has been going on the past few days? everyone seems so adrift. adrift on their own little rafts in a general atmosphere of... oh i dunno. whatever comforts can support them now at this time.
just feeling a bit of despondency at the whole exam thingummy.
sulynn told me something about Ecclesiastes having a portion about ppl not being able to study too much or something. i forgot what she said the passage was or where it is except that its in Ecclesiastes and Ecclesiastes is bbIgG and i am LLaZzY.
one thing i've known for a long time:
God wont save you if you wont save yourself.
so there you go. save yourselves darling friends.
and then comes the part with 'God bless'.
just feeling a bit of despondency at the whole exam thingummy.
sulynn told me something about Ecclesiastes having a portion about ppl not being able to study too much or something. i forgot what she said the passage was or where it is except that its in Ecclesiastes and Ecclesiastes is bbIgG and i am LLaZzY.
one thing i've known for a long time:
God wont save you if you wont save yourself.
so there you go. save yourselves darling friends.
and then comes the part with 'God bless'.
Friday, November 12, 2004
“But people are rather stupid and waste their lives. Have you not seen that? Have you not looked down from the horse at a city and thought how much it resembles an ant heap, full of blind creatures who think their mundane little world is real? You see the lighted windows and what you want to think is that there may be many interesting stories behind them, but what you know is that there really are just dull, dull souls, mere consumers of food, who think their instincts are emotions and their tiny lives of more account than a whisper of sand.”
terry pratchett - 'Soul Music'
whatever cref and ganga say about terry pratchett being a load of trashy novels, i think he has some of the best insights into the human condition.
terry pratchett - 'Soul Music'
whatever cref and ganga say about terry pratchett being a load of trashy novels, i think he has some of the best insights into the human condition.
Monday, November 08, 2004
mex it out
sara on america's top model is really pretty... her hair is GoRgEoUs
tmrw is ao maths. wat if i dont pass? wat if i do? wat if i almost pass and knew that if i'd worked that little much harder i would've?
is it time for reproach? when it comes down to it... i really dont know. sometimes its like a sacrifice, one subject for another, and this philosophy (if it can be called such) carried me through track nats and competitions and terms and prelims. does it still hold now? am i even able to pass if i want to now? today was the first time i touched maths in one million years. there's tmrw, and then six more days to paper two, and i feel... calm, unfettered, unruffled. if i really gave a damn about maths i'd be freaking out right now.
or rather, i'd be freaking out now two weeks ago when i'd scheduled myself to start math revision.
whywhywhy dint i start when i should have? cos i dint freak out? i'm not freaking out now so that must mean something... probably that im a stupid fool for being lazydazyhazy. assonance.
at least. at least... today i managed to start, and its not so hard once the rhythm comes up. as long as i keep to it i think i'll pass maths. i hope. and hopefully this not at the price of my other subjects.
i hope april wins cos she's asian
oh no now they're deciding who to kick out!
*suspense*
...
...
....
...
.....
..
...
frickin.
they kicked out sara!!!
poodles!
chihuahuas!
disbelief
shock
i will go and mope now
tmrw is ao maths. wat if i dont pass? wat if i do? wat if i almost pass and knew that if i'd worked that little much harder i would've?
is it time for reproach? when it comes down to it... i really dont know. sometimes its like a sacrifice, one subject for another, and this philosophy (if it can be called such) carried me through track nats and competitions and terms and prelims. does it still hold now? am i even able to pass if i want to now? today was the first time i touched maths in one million years. there's tmrw, and then six more days to paper two, and i feel... calm, unfettered, unruffled. if i really gave a damn about maths i'd be freaking out right now.
or rather, i'd be freaking out now two weeks ago when i'd scheduled myself to start math revision.
whywhywhy dint i start when i should have? cos i dint freak out? i'm not freaking out now so that must mean something... probably that im a stupid fool for being lazydazyhazy. assonance.
at least. at least... today i managed to start, and its not so hard once the rhythm comes up. as long as i keep to it i think i'll pass maths. i hope. and hopefully this not at the price of my other subjects.
i hope april wins cos she's asian
oh no now they're deciding who to kick out!
*suspense*
...
...
....
...
.....
..
...
frickin.
they kicked out sara!!!
poodles!
chihuahuas!
disbelief
shock
i will go and mope now
I am a hybrid of:
Uptown Girl Progressive Girl Click on the pictures below to read more:
|
cool!! i need lots of upkeep and im classy and im not afraid to try anything. yeah.
Sunday, November 07, 2004
black as night
post colonialism is a bore...
i cant even remember wat my other topic for s lit is so i think i'm dead. i think its... ok i really cant remember, even the books i have dont remind me cos i dint really have a plan when i picked them.
oh no.
catachresis appropriation.
i feel better today.
i also feel fat so that means tmrw i have to stop putting off the inevitable and hit the torture chamber with my big yellow towel and convince myself that pain is temporary but willpower lasts forever. which it doesnt but who's counting anyway, at least i feel reprieved for the moment.
so far there are two things happening:
1) food fest at expo hall 5 which ends TMRW
2) motor show at suntec which ends 21st
hmmm.
i think i am crazy. just know i was laughing at my tortoise cos it ws waling around with a piece of longbean sticking out of its mouth. wellwell. at least life is interesting.
waking up early has seemed to cure my stupid sniffles. past few days i decided to get up at 5 and do some work until i get hit by the midmorning lazy bug, and surprisingly i've hardly been sniffling through the day, which is so typical of weekends. i should do this more often. maybe its the weather the past few days... so much cooler and fresh cos of the rain. i dunno
must cut hair
must go shopping soon
must get earrings for lizzie
must find some nice stuff to munch on
must find out how jie is doing
must remember promise
must tell you i miss you
must remember to go for tuesday maths
night is never as black as morning
God bless
i cant even remember wat my other topic for s lit is so i think i'm dead. i think its... ok i really cant remember, even the books i have dont remind me cos i dint really have a plan when i picked them.
oh no.
catachresis appropriation.
i feel better today.
i also feel fat so that means tmrw i have to stop putting off the inevitable and hit the torture chamber with my big yellow towel and convince myself that pain is temporary but willpower lasts forever. which it doesnt but who's counting anyway, at least i feel reprieved for the moment.
so far there are two things happening:
1) food fest at expo hall 5 which ends TMRW
2) motor show at suntec which ends 21st
hmmm.
i think i am crazy. just know i was laughing at my tortoise cos it ws waling around with a piece of longbean sticking out of its mouth. wellwell. at least life is interesting.
waking up early has seemed to cure my stupid sniffles. past few days i decided to get up at 5 and do some work until i get hit by the midmorning lazy bug, and surprisingly i've hardly been sniffling through the day, which is so typical of weekends. i should do this more often. maybe its the weather the past few days... so much cooler and fresh cos of the rain. i dunno
must cut hair
must go shopping soon
must get earrings for lizzie
must find some nice stuff to munch on
must find out how jie is doing
must remember promise
must tell you i miss you
must remember to go for tuesday maths
night is never as black as morning
God bless
Saturday, November 06, 2004
Hello boringness
A bad feeling. That the As are the end of something. Something like my future.
It feels like failure and impending doom. Has this not happened before to you O weary traveler? When you reach the gate and find that it is closed, that the hinges have rusted and trapped you beyond that portcullis to safety and comfort? I do not like this feeling, yet it inveigles its way into my chest and grips with an asphyxiation. Shouldn’t it then be now time to set off this effete path, to find a way unto an efflorescence instead? Sometimes even I cannot find the answers to mine own heart, and I leave myself out in the cold, out by those selfsame portcullises. And I feel my folly so distinctly myself! Why the brash rashness! Why the sane idiocy, in all deliberateness! Why choose to bury yourself and indulge in the everyday pleasures of sleep and food and sin… why then, why.
I came back to God two weeks ago, after a long exile by sin. I felt the full force of him in my heart, and I cried in my bed as I prayed, lying there, prayed as I poured out my confessions into his enveloping presence, spoke out aloud the words of my prayer and pleaded for his forgiveness, that I may once again return to His flock. The feeling then… the feeling of utter subservience, utter guilt, finally utter joy at His infinite grace and power. Never again will I want to turn from You Lord. Everyday I fight a battle with sin and the evils of my heart, with the faith of my Lord planted firmly in me.
The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want
He makes me lie down in greener pastures
What then do I have of want now? I think it is the desire to excel that pushes me on, and the desire to excel that mires me. I cannot stand to be better, to run in this marathon of competitive grades. It is so different from real sports, so vastly more selfish, poisonous, filtered and reamed in its note and texts and mindless paraphernalia. Competition nonetheless – contrivance nevertheless. The is pain both ways, and in both things, the pain of failure, the heart-rending, wrenching fall of not measuring up, but also, surprisingly so, the pain of glory and success. That being the best is only the veneer over a cesspool of private anguish and suffering and, more often than not, a stinking, rotting interior, derivative of pride and ambition. Now that, is what I cannot bear to stand for.
Ditto for prom.
I conclude on this note: wherefore art thou polity. The individual cannot even get oneself out of the mess it gets oneself in. the sins of one are the sins of many, and doubtless society becomes wrangled up by the cows of the people themselves. Who gets out of this mess better, if any get out at all? Maybe the best-dressed for success will be picked for prom king and queen.
Thusly I am not one of them. I live my own life.
It feels like failure and impending doom. Has this not happened before to you O weary traveler? When you reach the gate and find that it is closed, that the hinges have rusted and trapped you beyond that portcullis to safety and comfort? I do not like this feeling, yet it inveigles its way into my chest and grips with an asphyxiation. Shouldn’t it then be now time to set off this effete path, to find a way unto an efflorescence instead? Sometimes even I cannot find the answers to mine own heart, and I leave myself out in the cold, out by those selfsame portcullises. And I feel my folly so distinctly myself! Why the brash rashness! Why the sane idiocy, in all deliberateness! Why choose to bury yourself and indulge in the everyday pleasures of sleep and food and sin… why then, why.
I came back to God two weeks ago, after a long exile by sin. I felt the full force of him in my heart, and I cried in my bed as I prayed, lying there, prayed as I poured out my confessions into his enveloping presence, spoke out aloud the words of my prayer and pleaded for his forgiveness, that I may once again return to His flock. The feeling then… the feeling of utter subservience, utter guilt, finally utter joy at His infinite grace and power. Never again will I want to turn from You Lord. Everyday I fight a battle with sin and the evils of my heart, with the faith of my Lord planted firmly in me.
The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want
He makes me lie down in greener pastures
What then do I have of want now? I think it is the desire to excel that pushes me on, and the desire to excel that mires me. I cannot stand to be better, to run in this marathon of competitive grades. It is so different from real sports, so vastly more selfish, poisonous, filtered and reamed in its note and texts and mindless paraphernalia. Competition nonetheless – contrivance nevertheless. The is pain both ways, and in both things, the pain of failure, the heart-rending, wrenching fall of not measuring up, but also, surprisingly so, the pain of glory and success. That being the best is only the veneer over a cesspool of private anguish and suffering and, more often than not, a stinking, rotting interior, derivative of pride and ambition. Now that, is what I cannot bear to stand for.
Ditto for prom.
I conclude on this note: wherefore art thou polity. The individual cannot even get oneself out of the mess it gets oneself in. the sins of one are the sins of many, and doubtless society becomes wrangled up by the cows of the people themselves. Who gets out of this mess better, if any get out at all? Maybe the best-dressed for success will be picked for prom king and queen.
Thusly I am not one of them. I live my own life.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
colours
23rd oct 2004
1130pm
Today was national colours award presentation
I thought it was tmrw.
WhAt
Its just so like me to do some dumb thing like this and forget about the date of some important thing, just like I mix up when Ramadhan begins and what mock test I’m having on what day, or even if there’s a test at all.
Ok so now I wont be getting my cert for national colours. Hooray.
I guess that’s punishment enough yup.
On the other hand I can just dish up some believable excuse and hope that lawrence ang actually took my cert back to school with him so that he can pass it back to me.
bleargh even hafta write a explanaton letter to lawrence ang.
Gah. I gotta stop doing stupid things like this.
1130pm
Today was national colours award presentation
I thought it was tmrw.
WhAt
Its just so like me to do some dumb thing like this and forget about the date of some important thing, just like I mix up when Ramadhan begins and what mock test I’m having on what day, or even if there’s a test at all.
Ok so now I wont be getting my cert for national colours. Hooray.
I guess that’s punishment enough yup.
On the other hand I can just dish up some believable excuse and hope that lawrence ang actually took my cert back to school with him so that he can pass it back to me.
bleargh even hafta write a explanaton letter to lawrence ang.
Gah. I gotta stop doing stupid things like this.
study will come
i hope i can get my study will back.
today i went back to school for the first time since baccalaureate, and went back for a three hour human geog test of all things. it reminded about a couple of things: first, my studies are not in order at all, second, i need to practice my writing more, and third i need to buy new pens cos i gave up on writing my last essay after both stupid pens start to sputter. sputter is the best i can term the way the pens wrote; one moment there's ink, the next it leaves out half of a letter of a quarter of a word. so frustrating. looks like i actually have to spend money and go find some quality pens this time instead of relying on pickmeuppens and lousy office bringhomepens...
so today at least i got some work done and finished 11 lects on urban, which is not bad by my standards. i couldve done more, but... i could say 'nvm it'll get better' here... but the truth is that there's really no time left to mess about. i really hafta go and get things done if i'm even going to pass the bare 2As 2AOs... its scary... cos i know i may not pass... and i may get left at my seat on results day.
which would be the second worst.
the worst would be that i have to go to poly and do my tertiary ed all over again... argh!!
how to pass As
1) study.
2) study. like mad.
3) memorize sloman, a&c, othello, hardtimes, geog text,
4) scrape brains off wall after head explodes
5) produce brandon seah clone and call him eugene
6) coerce creffield clone to call herself eugene
7) train with monks on hill and learn the universal answer ommmmmmmmmm
8) put brains back in head. almost forgot.
yup all set to pass As now
today i went back to school for the first time since baccalaureate, and went back for a three hour human geog test of all things. it reminded about a couple of things: first, my studies are not in order at all, second, i need to practice my writing more, and third i need to buy new pens cos i gave up on writing my last essay after both stupid pens start to sputter. sputter is the best i can term the way the pens wrote; one moment there's ink, the next it leaves out half of a letter of a quarter of a word. so frustrating. looks like i actually have to spend money and go find some quality pens this time instead of relying on pickmeuppens and lousy office bringhomepens...
so today at least i got some work done and finished 11 lects on urban, which is not bad by my standards. i couldve done more, but... i could say 'nvm it'll get better' here... but the truth is that there's really no time left to mess about. i really hafta go and get things done if i'm even going to pass the bare 2As 2AOs... its scary... cos i know i may not pass... and i may get left at my seat on results day.
which would be the second worst.
the worst would be that i have to go to poly and do my tertiary ed all over again... argh!!
how to pass As
1) study.
2) study. like mad.
3) memorize sloman, a&c, othello, hardtimes, geog text,
4) scrape brains off wall after head explodes
5) produce brandon seah clone and call him eugene
6) coerce creffield clone to call herself eugene
7) train with monks on hill and learn the universal answer ommmmmmmmmm
8) put brains back in head. almost forgot.
yup all set to pass As now
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
storybook
dint study AT ALL today. read Shadow Of The Hegemony by orson scott card. it is a truly engaging book.
but i dint study and i dont think mr storybook man is gonna help me pass my exams.
this is not good
but i dint study and i dont think mr storybook man is gonna help me pass my exams.
this is not good
Sunday, October 17, 2004
kusuOJT
Today was OJT to kusu
It was kinda boring really.
I felt I dint really fit in first of all.
I know it sounds stupid that I should complain about this, but really, I do feel like I’m not really into the whole scene heart and soul.
I cant bring myself to the kind of fervour over guiding I usually have for stuff that I really enjoy doing.
Mingsheng once said during a workshop that I’m in it ‘more for the scientific part’, which I seem to find more and more aptly descriptive.
Out on the walks I just kinda lose focus and get bored of the leaders talking about some other creature I already know about.
I can feel it in me that I wont be a really good guide in the talking role or seeking role. Gimme the crowd control role then I think that I can handle no problem.
Still, it points towards some general inability of mine to communicate and interact and bond with the layman and public properly, and which I’ve always been aware of.
So I guess something has to be done, that either I change myself and become more chirpy cheery and interactive or else I just slog thru the december walk with a memorized script and get it over with then go incommunicado.
Both ways its pathetic quitely.
Maybe then, I should just learn to open up and not be afraid to talk and initiate conversation.
Then problem solved and I will be happier and people ard me will gain a new friend aka me.
Hahahaha.
Anyways something new seen today.
A DOLPHIN!
It was quite a ways away, maybe 50, 60 metres, but when (the someone) shouted ‘dolphin!’ I turned and saw the beautiful blue-purple back breaking the surface and the dorsal fin cresting out of the water like… like… like something out of imagination tv story etc.
Magical to the point of mundaneity.
Strange but true.
Waiyin would’ve been so excited if she was there.
Yes Singapore waters have dolphins just that its quite rare to see them cos there are so many vessels that most marine mammals are frightened away or, well, mowed over I guess.
I just hope this one returns to the larger sea safely.
A dolphin.
Can u imagine?
It was kinda boring really.
I felt I dint really fit in first of all.
I know it sounds stupid that I should complain about this, but really, I do feel like I’m not really into the whole scene heart and soul.
I cant bring myself to the kind of fervour over guiding I usually have for stuff that I really enjoy doing.
Mingsheng once said during a workshop that I’m in it ‘more for the scientific part’, which I seem to find more and more aptly descriptive.
Out on the walks I just kinda lose focus and get bored of the leaders talking about some other creature I already know about.
I can feel it in me that I wont be a really good guide in the talking role or seeking role. Gimme the crowd control role then I think that I can handle no problem.
Still, it points towards some general inability of mine to communicate and interact and bond with the layman and public properly, and which I’ve always been aware of.
So I guess something has to be done, that either I change myself and become more chirpy cheery and interactive or else I just slog thru the december walk with a memorized script and get it over with then go incommunicado.
Both ways its pathetic quitely.
Maybe then, I should just learn to open up and not be afraid to talk and initiate conversation.
Then problem solved and I will be happier and people ard me will gain a new friend aka me.
Hahahaha.
Anyways something new seen today.
A DOLPHIN!
It was quite a ways away, maybe 50, 60 metres, but when (the someone) shouted ‘dolphin!’ I turned and saw the beautiful blue-purple back breaking the surface and the dorsal fin cresting out of the water like… like… like something out of imagination tv story etc.
Magical to the point of mundaneity.
Strange but true.
Waiyin would’ve been so excited if she was there.
Yes Singapore waters have dolphins just that its quite rare to see them cos there are so many vessels that most marine mammals are frightened away or, well, mowed over I guess.
I just hope this one returns to the larger sea safely.
A dolphin.
Can u imagine?
certain things
i think things are getting better. not much that happened the past few days seem very eventful. spent baccalaureate wondering why i subjected myself to extended chapel and waking up at 5am to rush to school to do... what? watch the ppl i dont like singsong on stage. at least the band was good and i enjoyed the hymns yup. consolation.
picture taking afterwards was awful cos i dont have a proper camera and it was so hot and trying to avoid certain people erk. and then i went home early cos i just felt i couldnt take the 'oh look i love the class let me show it by being chirpy and social' thing anymore. yup.
lately i've been drifting from You Lord.
help me come back. today after failing to find a seat at woodlands library i went for a walk at causeway point and bought four little pass it on cards at mount zion. kinda drifted to that shop and felt quite happy and peaceful for once. hearing christian lyrics over the speakers in the shop was definitely therapeutic. i need you in my life.
anyway. somehow yingshi and i are getting closer, and i'm beginning to harbour mixed feelings about her. she says she and kenny are... i'm also not sure. on off on off on off i cant even remember. can only advise. somehow this is the kind of scenario you only see on tv. anyway deep down she is really genuine and kind and warm, perhaps a bit misdirected and liberal in her affections. i'm not sure about anything anymore, so its best i not speculate. let things run their course la anyway i've got As to handle and if she wants to come down and visit me mugging at the library it's always nice yup.
after exams
go for french lessons with audrey
take up tap (finally) with... joshua? haha mebbe just myself
do stuff with... someone
picture taking afterwards was awful cos i dont have a proper camera and it was so hot and trying to avoid certain people erk. and then i went home early cos i just felt i couldnt take the 'oh look i love the class let me show it by being chirpy and social' thing anymore. yup.
lately i've been drifting from You Lord.
help me come back. today after failing to find a seat at woodlands library i went for a walk at causeway point and bought four little pass it on cards at mount zion. kinda drifted to that shop and felt quite happy and peaceful for once. hearing christian lyrics over the speakers in the shop was definitely therapeutic. i need you in my life.
anyway. somehow yingshi and i are getting closer, and i'm beginning to harbour mixed feelings about her. she says she and kenny are... i'm also not sure. on off on off on off i cant even remember. can only advise. somehow this is the kind of scenario you only see on tv. anyway deep down she is really genuine and kind and warm, perhaps a bit misdirected and liberal in her affections. i'm not sure about anything anymore, so its best i not speculate. let things run their course la anyway i've got As to handle and if she wants to come down and visit me mugging at the library it's always nice yup.
after exams
go for french lessons with audrey
take up tap (finally) with... joshua? haha mebbe just myself
do stuff with... someone
Saturday, October 16, 2004
angsty songsty
to be hurt, to feel lost
to be left out in the dark
to be kicked when you're down
to feel like you're pushed around
to be on the edge of breaking down
and no one's there to save you
no you dont know what its like
welcome to my life
it'd be nice to say 'life sux'
but if you know which side of life to live in usually life is quite ok
life sux
ok maybe just yours
by the way the lyrics suck so there you go wHaT IrOnY
to be left out in the dark
to be kicked when you're down
to feel like you're pushed around
to be on the edge of breaking down
and no one's there to save you
no you dont know what its like
welcome to my life
it'd be nice to say 'life sux'
but if you know which side of life to live in usually life is quite ok
life sux
ok maybe just yours
by the way the lyrics suck so there you go wHaT IrOnY
Friday, October 15, 2004
upset
ok
got cancelled on today
it felt... painful
disappointing
but somehow i kinda expected it
i never had a chance anyway
oh well...
at least my books dont cancel on me
got cancelled on today
it felt... painful
disappointing
but somehow i kinda expected it
i never had a chance anyway
oh well...
at least my books dont cancel on me
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
zao school again
Today I skipped school. I’m at home while all my friends are in school. though it’s the last few days of school and ppl are probably busy snapping photos for keepsake I don’t really mind. Its easy to have memories of ppl but what is the point really if they are just memories? Sentimentalities are bothersome. Its better to make the effort to catch up with ppl now and again rather than just look at old photos and reminisce. Of course it will have to come to some destination in life when catching up is just too difficult cos of lifestyle and marriage whatnot, well in that case what are the chances that we’ll look back on jc anyway? It’d have just become a redundancy in the already manifold experiences of our lives by that time. Still… its nice to remember and get warm fuzzy feeling. Provided there are ppl you’d want to remember that badly. Mish lee said I was sentimental cos I decided to keep the paper napkin from (probably) the last formal class gathering in school we’d have. Actually I kept it cos it had this really pretty floral print, so there.
In a way though it really feels strange to be leaving school, as if leaving a womb and emerging into the real (and unsheltered) world all of a sudden. School now feels like this great big umbrella that shields you from the external, and I think many ppl are going to have a tough time trying to readapt to a lifestyle where not everything is provided for you in one neat, conglomerated package. See in school we can have food friends fun and be teacher-fed notes homework guidelines everything. We become dependent by default. What the poodle is the good of school then? When (if ever) we find a job we’ll have to do things on our own – and gosh I can just imagine some of the class trying to find their way through life. They will get lost lost lost! Then again. They are supposed to FIND their way. Its not as life is laid out like a red carpet ahead of us… and that is the problem with school, because it paves our route through adolescence and education… and that is the real danger. Don’t get caught.
Human mock on Wednesday morning.
Physical mock on Friday morning.
E1 mock is on Monday morning.
Kusu OJT is on Sunday night.
Baccalaureate is on Thursday night.
Stayover on Thursday night.
A levels in four weeks time.
I haven't finished anything.
I need to get tickets for ballet under the stars.
diediedie.
In a way though it really feels strange to be leaving school, as if leaving a womb and emerging into the real (and unsheltered) world all of a sudden. School now feels like this great big umbrella that shields you from the external, and I think many ppl are going to have a tough time trying to readapt to a lifestyle where not everything is provided for you in one neat, conglomerated package. See in school we can have food friends fun and be teacher-fed notes homework guidelines everything. We become dependent by default. What the poodle is the good of school then? When (if ever) we find a job we’ll have to do things on our own – and gosh I can just imagine some of the class trying to find their way through life. They will get lost lost lost! Then again. They are supposed to FIND their way. Its not as life is laid out like a red carpet ahead of us… and that is the problem with school, because it paves our route through adolescence and education… and that is the real danger. Don’t get caught.
Human mock on Wednesday morning.
Physical mock on Friday morning.
E1 mock is on Monday morning.
Kusu OJT is on Sunday night.
Baccalaureate is on Thursday night.
Stayover on Thursday night.
A levels in four weeks time.
I haven't finished anything.
I need to get tickets for ballet under the stars.
diediedie.
Sunday, October 10, 2004
socked
today I stole a SOCK.
Not even both sides.
Just a sock, and its blue and red with pink trim yeehah. I don’t even know why I did it except perhaps because I could, and I wanted to prove the useless security in jb to, well, the citizens of jb. How lame. And its not even a PRETTY or nearly any GOOD QUALITY sock.
Its just a SOCK in red blue pink.
Gah chihuahua.
Not even both sides.
Just a sock, and its blue and red with pink trim yeehah. I don’t even know why I did it except perhaps because I could, and I wanted to prove the useless security in jb to, well, the citizens of jb. How lame. And its not even a PRETTY or nearly any GOOD QUALITY sock.
Its just a SOCK in red blue pink.
Gah chihuahua.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
sleeelp
oh fricky fricks tonight i better go to sleep. for the past three days i have existed on 7 hours of sleep. i feel a bit strange now. the feeling is like being on static.
today went a bit over with audrey.
static...
bbbuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZzzZZzzzzzzZZzZZZzzz
zzZZzzZzzZZzzzZZzZZzzzzzzzzZZZzZZZZzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzZzZ
zzzZZZzzzZzZZZZZZzzzz
i cant concentrate long enough to study.
my brain is too liquishy to write an essay.
i cant think straight.
i need sleep bad.
today went a bit over with audrey.
static...
bbbuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZzzZZzzzzzzZZzZZZzzz
zzZZzzZzzZZzzzZZzZZzzzzzzzzZZZzZZZZzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzZzZ
zzzZZZzzzZzZZZZZZzzzz
i cant concentrate long enough to study.
my brain is too liquishy to write an essay.
i cant think straight.
i need sleep bad.
Friday, October 01, 2004
first day of october brings new things
my lit is actually in terribly bad shape. today Cref gave me a total rundown on everything I’ve been doing wrong for my two e8 essays, and it felt so disappointing to that I haven't actually improved my e8 over so many months.
Still, its time to change I guess. There’s still time. I hope.
Today supposed to go running with di but by the time consultation ended she’d just about finished. sigh. When we actually find time to sit down at the same table it has to be that I have to occupy myself with work and lessons. Sux.
Felt so distracted and preoccupied today. Probably cos of lack of sleep, only slept 5 hours last night. In total I managed to stay awake for 41 hours. Thank goodness I decided to go to sleep last night otherwise I don’t want to imagine how zombified I’ll be today.
Green Day has its new album out.
I’m not going for prom.
So many ppl have been asking me why, but the thing is even I don’t really know myself. Because I hate the vying for attention? Because I hate the vanity? Because I cant stand having to appear all pretty and fallacious? Because deep inside I know that I don’t really give a shit.
Today watched Fahrenheit 9/11 for GP. Right now I’m watching the encore US Presidential Debates on tv. I cannot help but see George Bush in a totally different light. He seems like a fool and retard. Michael Moore is a real gem among producers to dare something of this magnitude of controversy. I admire him really. Michael Moore I mean.
Still, its time to change I guess. There’s still time. I hope.
Today supposed to go running with di but by the time consultation ended she’d just about finished. sigh. When we actually find time to sit down at the same table it has to be that I have to occupy myself with work and lessons. Sux.
Felt so distracted and preoccupied today. Probably cos of lack of sleep, only slept 5 hours last night. In total I managed to stay awake for 41 hours. Thank goodness I decided to go to sleep last night otherwise I don’t want to imagine how zombified I’ll be today.
Green Day has its new album out.
I’m not going for prom.
So many ppl have been asking me why, but the thing is even I don’t really know myself. Because I hate the vying for attention? Because I hate the vanity? Because I cant stand having to appear all pretty and fallacious? Because deep inside I know that I don’t really give a shit.
Today watched Fahrenheit 9/11 for GP. Right now I’m watching the encore US Presidential Debates on tv. I cannot help but see George Bush in a totally different light. He seems like a fool and retard. Michael Moore is a real gem among producers to dare something of this magnitude of controversy. I admire him really. Michael Moore I mean.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
tingly
i dint sleep last night.
i feel marvellously awake considering i havent slept in the past 28 hours.
i feel a bit tingly. i finished A & C by 2 am. then i played D2x. yay
D2 is finally up and running hooray. its like extreme deprivation from real games for the longest time. thank goodness i can play again now. today i have s geog. what a bigger cos mr lynn keeps cancelling lessons i feel like smacking him with a sack of onions. so far there have been three 'recent updates' and i have to run around and tell ppl about the changes in plan and what to do and distribute last minute notes to them. which reminds me i havent read them yet and the lesson is today. i hope i can finish the notes. i hope i dont fall asleep reading them. i like to hope. hope is a nice feeling. its like the prospect of nice sweet warm coffee, even if you dont get it in the end you still feel the lift it gives your spirits just by imagining potentialities. hope is a wonderful thing. without it life would be chihuahua.
poodles.
i like fuzzy cats. zzbzbzbbbzzzzzbzbz
TODAY I SHALL BE A GOOD BOY
i feel marvellously awake considering i havent slept in the past 28 hours.
i feel a bit tingly. i finished A & C by 2 am. then i played D2x. yay
D2 is finally up and running hooray. its like extreme deprivation from real games for the longest time. thank goodness i can play again now. today i have s geog. what a bigger cos mr lynn keeps cancelling lessons i feel like smacking him with a sack of onions. so far there have been three 'recent updates' and i have to run around and tell ppl about the changes in plan and what to do and distribute last minute notes to them. which reminds me i havent read them yet and the lesson is today. i hope i can finish the notes. i hope i dont fall asleep reading them. i like to hope. hope is a nice feeling. its like the prospect of nice sweet warm coffee, even if you dont get it in the end you still feel the lift it gives your spirits just by imagining potentialities. hope is a wonderful thing. without it life would be chihuahua.
poodles.
i like fuzzy cats. zzbzbzbbbzzzzzbzbz
TODAY I SHALL BE A GOOD BOY
Sunday, September 26, 2004
saturday slips by
Last night i slept for 14 hours. Fell asleep at five yesterday and woke up at seven this morning. For once this week i dont feel halfdead and like i'm going to fall down. These days it seems that is all I ever feel apart from the occasional bursts of hysteria and comedy when around close friends. I feel much better today. Maybe its all the sleep. but i've lost saturday.
Well. At least the nightmare is over. I get one school colours for track (fitting), one outstanding service for dance (inappropriate) and one outstanding service for community service (oxymoronic). And one national colours. I feel the unfairness of it all as yina didn’t get anything despite her devoted captaincy and dedication to canoeing. I will make an appeal to the principals.
At least the gloom of the past week has lifted partially after going to school with yingshi on Friday and the relief of having melvin found a pair of shoes for me and immanuel’s heroic effort to bring a pair which he eventually forgot to bring on Friday itself. It was quite funny but I thank him anyway.
At least Honours night had good food. At least west zone awards had a reception with decent food.
I think I’d already hit the depths on Thursday so by Friday things were heading upwards, yup so life was looking brighter towards the weekends. Felt so bone-tired-exhausted-decrepit-dead by the time the effective week ended around yesterday afternoon after west zone that I just dumped the burden of studying and worrying about love and life and whatnot on the floor with my bag and shoes (third pair!) and blazer. And went to sleep thank heavens. I feel good today. The haiku I wrote on the bus ride home on Thursday afternoon and amended a while ago.
I didnt know what to say to you after Honours. You’re always looking so distracted I don’t know if I’m welcome around you. Hope you enjoyed yourself anyway.
On an ending note-- Lord please bless Yap Xiong, for being the ever-staid friend and the compassionate soul to always have an ear and ready companionship available. If asked for the epitome of a solid friend I would vote him for most embodying.
Well. At least the nightmare is over. I get one school colours for track (fitting), one outstanding service for dance (inappropriate) and one outstanding service for community service (oxymoronic). And one national colours. I feel the unfairness of it all as yina didn’t get anything despite her devoted captaincy and dedication to canoeing. I will make an appeal to the principals.
At least the gloom of the past week has lifted partially after going to school with yingshi on Friday and the relief of having melvin found a pair of shoes for me and immanuel’s heroic effort to bring a pair which he eventually forgot to bring on Friday itself. It was quite funny but I thank him anyway.
At least Honours night had good food. At least west zone awards had a reception with decent food.
I think I’d already hit the depths on Thursday so by Friday things were heading upwards, yup so life was looking brighter towards the weekends. Felt so bone-tired-exhausted-decrepit-dead by the time the effective week ended around yesterday afternoon after west zone that I just dumped the burden of studying and worrying about love and life and whatnot on the floor with my bag and shoes (third pair!) and blazer. And went to sleep thank heavens. I feel good today. The haiku I wrote on the bus ride home on Thursday afternoon and amended a while ago.
I didnt know what to say to you after Honours. You’re always looking so distracted I don’t know if I’m welcome around you. Hope you enjoyed yourself anyway.
On an ending note-- Lord please bless Yap Xiong, for being the ever-staid friend and the compassionate soul to always have an ear and ready companionship available. If asked for the epitome of a solid friend I would vote him for most embodying.
Friday, September 24, 2004
the usual
---An argument with my father---
I get in the car.
(a while)
Can you send me out tomorrow?
What time?
Seven?
(nods silently)
(long pause)
In school you got do revision now or not?
Huh? What do you mean?
In school la. What is your school doing now? Are they doing revision now or still teaching you new stuff la.
(pause) Both.
How can your school be like that. Should be doing revision now you know.
Tell the school la.
(agitation) But that’s what they should be doing now. What do you mean ‘tell the school’ you should be the one asking them. Why do you always give me this kind of answer.
Because you’re the one always making demands what.
(silence)
the usual silence the rest of the ride home. He explodes at home to my mum. He tells her I can jolly well go out myself tomorrow. I can still hear him shouting as I bathe. He asks my mum to teach me how to talk properly and calls me a bastard, among other things. I try to maintain levity. I have an early day tomorrow.
I get in the car.
(a while)
Can you send me out tomorrow?
What time?
Seven?
(nods silently)
(long pause)
In school you got do revision now or not?
Huh? What do you mean?
In school la. What is your school doing now? Are they doing revision now or still teaching you new stuff la.
(pause) Both.
How can your school be like that. Should be doing revision now you know.
Tell the school la.
(agitation) But that’s what they should be doing now. What do you mean ‘tell the school’ you should be the one asking them. Why do you always give me this kind of answer.
Because you’re the one always making demands what.
(silence)
the usual silence the rest of the ride home. He explodes at home to my mum. He tells her I can jolly well go out myself tomorrow. I can still hear him shouting as I bathe. He asks my mum to teach me how to talk properly and calls me a bastard, among other things. I try to maintain levity. I have an early day tomorrow.
Thursday, September 23, 2004
the stinky stank itself
It feels like shit seriously shitty stinky shit that is called school please go away I want my life and sanity back, stop stealing my energy and youth, stop sapping my strength and my heart.
Please please...I need a break... save me...
I havent felt this depressed in ages, so long I hardly remember to cope. Today on the empty bus ride home I almost cried as I prayed for God to give me strength and the grace to see me through things I cannot change, things I know will pass.
So frustrated. My father curses me and even says my hair is so damn ugly... it hurts so much to hear that coming from your own parent, it hurts so much I wished he would die, and I was so sure I wouldn’t hold his funeral if he died the next day. But why… he is my father after all, even if he is a stranger. I wished he would die in a retirement home. But it is not right to curse my father.
Honours night is so frustrating, infuriatingly, unquenchably, irredeemably maddening. Harvey says my shoes are ‘not formal enough’. Roberta Tan says my shoes are ‘too fancy’. Not shiny enough. Not black enough. I told my parents not to attend anymore. I may not even go myself in the end. David Tan scoffs and says my hair ‘doesn’t even look like its been cut’, on the day right after I get it cut.
My hair is ‘too long’, ‘too high’, ‘too spiky’, ‘too messy’. Freakin freaks. So stupefyingly anal. I’m thinking of stuffing chewing gum into the keyholes of the PE office doors.
I cannot wait for stupid Honours night to end. I will be back. With chewing gum.
Sigh haven't been this depressed for a long time. Monday I came late and went to eat delicious roti prata at ghim moh. Today I purposely came late so I 1) wouldn’t have to go for the uniform check in the morning 2) wouldn’t have to hand up the GP compre I still haven't done 3) could eat roti prata again. Yum.
So very very tired. Today felt totally fatally listless and dead to the point of that kind of quietness that ppl start noticing. Dear Lord, bless mish lil’, Sulynn, Jon, Banu, Melvin, Caleb, Waiyin, Elaine, Dawn and everyone else who have given me each a little spark of hope and happiness to tide me thru the past few days.
Lord sustain me please, please. I feel like I’m in freefall. I don’t want to be there when the ground comes up.
Lord please bless mish lil’ especially, for in her kindness and warmth and smile I find my own strength to not give up and sit down on the highwayside. Lord please watch over her as you have watched over me and keep her safe.
Dear Lord why am I so ashamed of my father. Why do I always have to hate him so much... why do I always dangle him over that dangerous precipice of anger and sorrow and dissatisfaction... there must be a way this can change too.
Please please...I need a break... save me...
I havent felt this depressed in ages, so long I hardly remember to cope. Today on the empty bus ride home I almost cried as I prayed for God to give me strength and the grace to see me through things I cannot change, things I know will pass.
So frustrated. My father curses me and even says my hair is so damn ugly... it hurts so much to hear that coming from your own parent, it hurts so much I wished he would die, and I was so sure I wouldn’t hold his funeral if he died the next day. But why… he is my father after all, even if he is a stranger. I wished he would die in a retirement home. But it is not right to curse my father.
Honours night is so frustrating, infuriatingly, unquenchably, irredeemably maddening. Harvey says my shoes are ‘not formal enough’. Roberta Tan says my shoes are ‘too fancy’. Not shiny enough. Not black enough. I told my parents not to attend anymore. I may not even go myself in the end. David Tan scoffs and says my hair ‘doesn’t even look like its been cut’, on the day right after I get it cut.
My hair is ‘too long’, ‘too high’, ‘too spiky’, ‘too messy’. Freakin freaks. So stupefyingly anal. I’m thinking of stuffing chewing gum into the keyholes of the PE office doors.
I cannot wait for stupid Honours night to end. I will be back. With chewing gum.
Sigh haven't been this depressed for a long time. Monday I came late and went to eat delicious roti prata at ghim moh. Today I purposely came late so I 1) wouldn’t have to go for the uniform check in the morning 2) wouldn’t have to hand up the GP compre I still haven't done 3) could eat roti prata again. Yum.
So very very tired. Today felt totally fatally listless and dead to the point of that kind of quietness that ppl start noticing. Dear Lord, bless mish lil’, Sulynn, Jon, Banu, Melvin, Caleb, Waiyin, Elaine, Dawn and everyone else who have given me each a little spark of hope and happiness to tide me thru the past few days.
Lord sustain me please, please. I feel like I’m in freefall. I don’t want to be there when the ground comes up.
Lord please bless mish lil’ especially, for in her kindness and warmth and smile I find my own strength to not give up and sit down on the highwayside. Lord please watch over her as you have watched over me and keep her safe.
Dear Lord why am I so ashamed of my father. Why do I always have to hate him so much... why do I always dangle him over that dangerous precipice of anger and sorrow and dissatisfaction... there must be a way this can change too.
Sunday, September 19, 2004
having feelings suck
Dear you.
I am so confused about you.
I feel I don’t know you anymore, as if I’ve never known you in the first place.
Whenever we even see each other it feels so awkward.
I think of you so much even though we’ve never really had anything together.
We walk about pretending not to notice each other yet we message each other.
I’m so confused about what you want. I know what I want. I want you. I’m just waiting for you to say you don’t want me so nothing ever needs to begin.
ack what the hell I’m falling into self-pity pooooodles. Maybe I should just be brave and talk to you one of these days. Argh but then who do I be, myself or myself or myself? So difficult. I know I shall buy you a drink in school next week and lets see how it goes from there.
maybe i should seriously forget you.
......
............
.........
..........
Thank goodness no one reads my blog so I can type all sorts of stuff on it hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
i love my blog. but without a tagboard it doesnt feel complete. funny that i want a tagboard when no one knows my blog address haha.
I am so confused about you.
I feel I don’t know you anymore, as if I’ve never known you in the first place.
Whenever we even see each other it feels so awkward.
I think of you so much even though we’ve never really had anything together.
We walk about pretending not to notice each other yet we message each other.
I’m so confused about what you want. I know what I want. I want you. I’m just waiting for you to say you don’t want me so nothing ever needs to begin.
ack what the hell I’m falling into self-pity pooooodles. Maybe I should just be brave and talk to you one of these days. Argh but then who do I be, myself or myself or myself? So difficult. I know I shall buy you a drink in school next week and lets see how it goes from there.
maybe i should seriously forget you.
......
............
.........
..........
Thank goodness no one reads my blog so I can type all sorts of stuff on it hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
i love my blog. but without a tagboard it doesnt feel complete. funny that i want a tagboard when no one knows my blog address haha.
Friday, September 17, 2004
postresultspost
Wowwee!! Today got results back mwahahaha!!! I failed ecowgnomics and muggermatics bleah. But then I already expected that so nvm.. erk I think I am stupid. Got C for leetreecher and jogglaffy hohoho. First time I failed an E8 I feel like a failure. But still very happy today cos only studied for a week or so b4 prelims…
I SHALL DO BETTER!!!!!!!!
I think many ppl will be blogging today cos they feel they must spill their guts abt how their lives are so pathetic cos they cant get a decent grade cos they dint study enuff and how they could have done better if they had ten minutes more yada yada yada. Pleeeese just go jump off a suitably high building. If u fail just admit u suck and go do something to change it instead of being caught up in your own self-pity, soooooo pathetic. I guess I should be understanding but i have no patience with this kinda ppl.
*lunchbox*
*cheesebun*
happily it is the weekend already Sunday there’s an OJT to Southern Islands yippee!!! I’m not booted from Reefguides after all yippee!! Thursday’s theory class was so fun and funny, I wish I could be more like ria and danial and have so much confidence and liquid ease. And learnt so much also. Gosh I dunno what my life would be like if I’d missed this chance to guide…
mummy and daddy are going to kl on Sunday and back on Monday so I think I have to come back myself on Sunday night. Erp. Maybe I should find somewhere to bunk on Sunday night OJT will surely end very late. Uh-oh.
Yay overall I am feeling very very very very happy.
Today after results was talking with nicole and elaine AHHHH!! they are so cute and cool and fun and everything and I wish I could be with them everyday. But if that happened then it’d get very boring hmmm. Still... nicole has hot legs omigosh omigosh :P
yea i love my sarawak ppl and my bintan ppl :)
Ok tmrw I shall stay at home and be a good boy and study my atmo.
I SHALL DO BETTER!!!!!!!!
I think many ppl will be blogging today cos they feel they must spill their guts abt how their lives are so pathetic cos they cant get a decent grade cos they dint study enuff and how they could have done better if they had ten minutes more yada yada yada. Pleeeese just go jump off a suitably high building. If u fail just admit u suck and go do something to change it instead of being caught up in your own self-pity, soooooo pathetic. I guess I should be understanding but i have no patience with this kinda ppl.
*lunchbox*
*cheesebun*
happily it is the weekend already Sunday there’s an OJT to Southern Islands yippee!!! I’m not booted from Reefguides after all yippee!! Thursday’s theory class was so fun and funny, I wish I could be more like ria and danial and have so much confidence and liquid ease. And learnt so much also. Gosh I dunno what my life would be like if I’d missed this chance to guide…
mummy and daddy are going to kl on Sunday and back on Monday so I think I have to come back myself on Sunday night. Erp. Maybe I should find somewhere to bunk on Sunday night OJT will surely end very late. Uh-oh.
Yay overall I am feeling very very very very happy.
Today after results was talking with nicole and elaine AHHHH!! they are so cute and cool and fun and everything and I wish I could be with them everyday. But if that happened then it’d get very boring hmmm. Still... nicole has hot legs omigosh omigosh :P
yea i love my sarawak ppl and my bintan ppl :)
Ok tmrw I shall stay at home and be a good boy and study my atmo.
Monday, September 13, 2004
IT IS NEVER ENOUGH
Everything is never enough. Time is never enough. Sleep is never enough. Money is never enough. Satisfaction is never enough. What is ever enough?
God’s love is enough for us. God watches over us and keeps us safe, and to be in his everlasting love is enough for me. We all need to find our peace somewhere.
God’s love is enough for us. God watches over us and keeps us safe, and to be in his everlasting love is enough for me. We all need to find our peace somewhere.
Sunday, September 12, 2004
speechless
What are the words for it?
The times when you sit down and see the world suddenly enveloped in sunlight; the hazy drifting air; the startled contrast of grass meeting the tarmac; the red-brown freckled tiling; glare of sun off the back of a metal chair; and yourself zoomed out into perspective, into the bird’s eye view from man’s eye vision…
People noises like ribbons looping by.
A tree waving in an unseen wind there…
a car slowed, achingly persuaded over a speed bump there…
everyone around you familiar, friendly strangers…
you turn your head, lift an arm, curl a finger, everything moves in a lazy lagoon…
A heartbeat, and you snap out as soon as you slip in.
What are the words?
The times when you sit down and see the world suddenly enveloped in sunlight; the hazy drifting air; the startled contrast of grass meeting the tarmac; the red-brown freckled tiling; glare of sun off the back of a metal chair; and yourself zoomed out into perspective, into the bird’s eye view from man’s eye vision…
People noises like ribbons looping by.
A tree waving in an unseen wind there…
a car slowed, achingly persuaded over a speed bump there…
everyone around you familiar, friendly strangers…
you turn your head, lift an arm, curl a finger, everything moves in a lazy lagoon…
A heartbeat, and you snap out as soon as you slip in.
What are the words?
15 Love not the world, neither the
things that are in the world. If any
man love the world, the love of the
Father is not in him.
16 For all that is in the world, the
lust of the flesh, and the lust of the
eyes, and the pride of life, is not
of the Father, but is of the world.
17 And the world passeth away,
and the lust thereof: but he that
doeth the will of God abideth for
ever. 1 John 2, 15-17
Lord give me the strength to resist temptation, because I am weak.
things that are in the world. If any
man love the world, the love of the
Father is not in him.
16 For all that is in the world, the
lust of the flesh, and the lust of the
eyes, and the pride of life, is not
of the Father, but is of the world.
17 And the world passeth away,
and the lust thereof: but he that
doeth the will of God abideth for
ever. 1 John 2, 15-17
Lord give me the strength to resist temptation, because I am weak.
new phone!!!
Well… I got my new phone finally after waiting for the whim of my sister to assert itself in the right direction and she decides the time is convenient enuff for her to go register for our plans. I was a bit pissed the other day, cos she got the phone on the evening of the zoo trip and stayover, and got the wrong colour, of all things… so now I have a k700i in silver instead of light blue. Sigh. I guess I could have got angry but I dunno… whats the point. Went back to the singtel shop at causeway point but they said they don’t have an exchange policy, tho I did try to bluff them by saying that the counter staff at the NUS singtel shop said ‘I could to go to a bigger store to change the unit’. Yeah. The guy just gave me a slightly amused expression and said sorry no such thing (basically) and babbled on about whatnot I don’t care what cos it just meant Haha You Loser Change Your Phone Colour My Ass. Whats worse the nite b4 my sis had taken my old phone from me, demanding that she NEEDS to use it tmrw, she even called me an asshole and flung stuff around as she stomped away after I told her ‘I’ll give to u on Saturday? Its only one more day.’ later she came to my room and did more demanding that she NEEDS to use it, WHY must u use it tmrw, WHATS so impt abt u that u HAVE to use it tmrw as well u faggoty little bookreading pimply toad. (it is strange the way the she makes some words sound capitalized. And how she can squeeze zo much insult into a few sentences, as if she owned the world and I was really just a stray particle/neuron in her piles of quantum/psychology gumbo)
I was angry, yes, so annoyed by her double standards, that she felt it imperative that she use the phone immediately while she made me wait from Monday til Thursday b4 she felt like going to buy my phone. There’s a singtel shop right in NUS for goodness sake, she says she’ll go Monday then Sunday nite says she doesn’t feel like going to school tmrw, she goes out tuesday and doesn’t buy it, on Tuesday nite says she’ll buy it on Thursday cos Wednesday is too inconvenient. Bluddy poodles. In the end she buys it on Wednesday after putting me up to wait til Thursday, and b4 I could tell her what colour I wanted it in. Poodles!! Chihuahuas!! Ach. Then Thursday nite she demands to use my phone after making everything.
Of course, I decide not to tell her how I feel. It would be like asking a troll to stop hiding under the bridge and eating poor little goats trying to get to the other side, and you can feel deep down inside you are one of them Poor Little Goats feeling like the other side suddenly looks not only greener but now also comes with big pearly gates and many fluffy angel things. It is not a pleasant life with an older sister like this one.
In the end I hand over my old phone, which truth be told she’d already paid the $70 trade-in value for on Thursday nite. Friday I go without a phone and fail to change my silver k700i for a light blue one. At least… now I have a nice phone that doesn’t drive me crazy trying to press the down button, keypad 1, keypad 4 and (sometimes in aircon rooms. weird)the hex button. And it comes with a camera, but unfortunately I have no means of uploading mp3s or pictures or anything to it cos this stupid com don’t even have a basic USB port and the only functional computer in the entire house is in the hands of a bridge troll that eats poor little goats. Still, a camera’s a camera, and the phone IS cool looking and has a super chic display theme and 42 mb of memory, which has gotta mean it can store more than 14 msgs. Verily, I love it. Even if it isn't light blue.
I was angry, yes, so annoyed by her double standards, that she felt it imperative that she use the phone immediately while she made me wait from Monday til Thursday b4 she felt like going to buy my phone. There’s a singtel shop right in NUS for goodness sake, she says she’ll go Monday then Sunday nite says she doesn’t feel like going to school tmrw, she goes out tuesday and doesn’t buy it, on Tuesday nite says she’ll buy it on Thursday cos Wednesday is too inconvenient. Bluddy poodles. In the end she buys it on Wednesday after putting me up to wait til Thursday, and b4 I could tell her what colour I wanted it in. Poodles!! Chihuahuas!! Ach. Then Thursday nite she demands to use my phone after making everything.
Of course, I decide not to tell her how I feel. It would be like asking a troll to stop hiding under the bridge and eating poor little goats trying to get to the other side, and you can feel deep down inside you are one of them Poor Little Goats feeling like the other side suddenly looks not only greener but now also comes with big pearly gates and many fluffy angel things. It is not a pleasant life with an older sister like this one.
In the end I hand over my old phone, which truth be told she’d already paid the $70 trade-in value for on Thursday nite. Friday I go without a phone and fail to change my silver k700i for a light blue one. At least… now I have a nice phone that doesn’t drive me crazy trying to press the down button, keypad 1, keypad 4 and (sometimes in aircon rooms. weird)the hex button. And it comes with a camera, but unfortunately I have no means of uploading mp3s or pictures or anything to it cos this stupid com don’t even have a basic USB port and the only functional computer in the entire house is in the hands of a bridge troll that eats poor little goats. Still, a camera’s a camera, and the phone IS cool looking and has a super chic display theme and 42 mb of memory, which has gotta mean it can store more than 14 msgs. Verily, I love it. Even if it isn't light blue.
Saturday, September 11, 2004
ZooZooZooZoZoZ
The days seem kinda mixed up now… cant really remember whether its Thursday or Friday or Wednesday anymore. I think its cos all my sleeping has gone to shot the past few days.
The past few days have been so great tho!!! What I wouldn’t give to spend time like this again with happy close friends and talking and laughing together… the today is Friday, and on Wednesday 11 of us went to the zoo, it was so much fun I don’t know where to start describing it. Certainly there were the animals and creatures big and small to look at and admire, all the varied birds and beasts of God’s creation. It simply amazes the soul and mind, and reminds us that God created all this, and everything around us, in such beauty and splendour and grace. I feel so diminished by all this, and God’s power becomes so evident, that all around us are evidence of his infinite ability, and we are really nothing at all. I guess I felt awe, and respect, and at the same time so lucky to be loved by God and to know him… I really dunno how to put what I feel into words, but maybe I could say it is a kind of enlightenment, that I can see so clearly how everything is in place and all part of His great design.
Wednesday night we went to mich lee’s place to stay over, and I love stayovers. Watched movies until 2+ in the morning, then somehow in the search for a hot drink the group migrated to the kitchen and started talking, except josh who fell asleep on the sofa and liz who was had to go home against her will… sigh its so frustrating when that happens, happened to me a coupla times too, its like your parents seem so unreasonable and rigid, and u know u’re missing out on all the joy of being with friends and cant do a damn thing abt it… sucky feeling.
I think we talked for nearly two hours? Abt the intrinsic nature of God, that if a higher being were to exist, and have created this earth, then we could never truly comprehend this being, because it is fundamentally out of our grasp of comprehension, like a 2d person on paper trying to comprehend a 3d cube. Abt dreams and out-of-body-experiences and life… this is what I love abt stayovers, abt being able to communicate for once, to have the time to sit down and talk and understand the other person or people… haha its beginning to sound like building a romantic relationship.
Anyway then we migrated back to the tv at maybe 4 to 5 am and watched band of brothers which I thot would be interesting but unfortunately knocked everyone out like a concussion grenade… hey the episodes I watched at home were spectacularly deep and thought-provoking ok… within 40 mins everyone fell asleep except josh (ironically), who graciously turned off the tv and cd player for all of us.
And mish has really really nice flowing hair gosh!!… just that I’ve never really seen her let it down before… gosh I felt my pseudo-fetish for hair coming back again. Felt a bit freaky.
We woke up at ard 8 after maybe three hours of sleep. At this time I’m operating on five hours of sleep over the past two days. My head feels a bit wired and electric, but otherwise cant seem to work. Everyone’s tired except caleb who seems to run an internal thermonuclear fusion plant that supplies power 24/7 and feeds a word processing/output device. Amazing. All thru breakfast even. What does it take to stop calbee from chattering? I think if someone stuffed his mouth words would start leaking from his nose and spurting from his ears.
Finally we go home and I take a train w yina back to kranji, she to woodlands. I’m tired to the point of numbness and can actually work up the energy to chat and entertain a little, haha the body has strange ways of surviving things. So I head home and yina heads home, and I forgot to ask her how tim is doing, which for some reason is quite important to me, maybe cos of a previous misunderstanding.
When I got home on thurs afternoon at ard one I took a bath, ate and started reading a book a book. By three I was asleep, and woke to eat dinner at 11.28. then went back to sleep again two hours later… I remember the time on the clock so clearly, the hands pointing slightly askew 11 and at 28… when I woke up the next morning it was like a freeze frame printed on the wall cos it was the exact same time again, the hands pointing slightly askew 11 and at 28. Maybe it was sheer coincidence, but it felt like some kind of portent, tho for what I dunno.
Anyway I got my new sony ericcson k700i now. Oh how I wish to complain about the circumstances under which I get it. The injustice! The dissatisfaction! The grim and forcibly cheery positivity! Sigh… then again maybe I shouldn’t… another day perhaps I shall Complain.
It is 2 am now I shall go to sleep
The past few days have been so great tho!!! What I wouldn’t give to spend time like this again with happy close friends and talking and laughing together… the today is Friday, and on Wednesday 11 of us went to the zoo, it was so much fun I don’t know where to start describing it. Certainly there were the animals and creatures big and small to look at and admire, all the varied birds and beasts of God’s creation. It simply amazes the soul and mind, and reminds us that God created all this, and everything around us, in such beauty and splendour and grace. I feel so diminished by all this, and God’s power becomes so evident, that all around us are evidence of his infinite ability, and we are really nothing at all. I guess I felt awe, and respect, and at the same time so lucky to be loved by God and to know him… I really dunno how to put what I feel into words, but maybe I could say it is a kind of enlightenment, that I can see so clearly how everything is in place and all part of His great design.
Wednesday night we went to mich lee’s place to stay over, and I love stayovers. Watched movies until 2+ in the morning, then somehow in the search for a hot drink the group migrated to the kitchen and started talking, except josh who fell asleep on the sofa and liz who was had to go home against her will… sigh its so frustrating when that happens, happened to me a coupla times too, its like your parents seem so unreasonable and rigid, and u know u’re missing out on all the joy of being with friends and cant do a damn thing abt it… sucky feeling.
I think we talked for nearly two hours? Abt the intrinsic nature of God, that if a higher being were to exist, and have created this earth, then we could never truly comprehend this being, because it is fundamentally out of our grasp of comprehension, like a 2d person on paper trying to comprehend a 3d cube. Abt dreams and out-of-body-experiences and life… this is what I love abt stayovers, abt being able to communicate for once, to have the time to sit down and talk and understand the other person or people… haha its beginning to sound like building a romantic relationship.
Anyway then we migrated back to the tv at maybe 4 to 5 am and watched band of brothers which I thot would be interesting but unfortunately knocked everyone out like a concussion grenade… hey the episodes I watched at home were spectacularly deep and thought-provoking ok… within 40 mins everyone fell asleep except josh (ironically), who graciously turned off the tv and cd player for all of us.
And mish has really really nice flowing hair gosh!!… just that I’ve never really seen her let it down before… gosh I felt my pseudo-fetish for hair coming back again. Felt a bit freaky.
We woke up at ard 8 after maybe three hours of sleep. At this time I’m operating on five hours of sleep over the past two days. My head feels a bit wired and electric, but otherwise cant seem to work. Everyone’s tired except caleb who seems to run an internal thermonuclear fusion plant that supplies power 24/7 and feeds a word processing/output device. Amazing. All thru breakfast even. What does it take to stop calbee from chattering? I think if someone stuffed his mouth words would start leaking from his nose and spurting from his ears.
Finally we go home and I take a train w yina back to kranji, she to woodlands. I’m tired to the point of numbness and can actually work up the energy to chat and entertain a little, haha the body has strange ways of surviving things. So I head home and yina heads home, and I forgot to ask her how tim is doing, which for some reason is quite important to me, maybe cos of a previous misunderstanding.
When I got home on thurs afternoon at ard one I took a bath, ate and started reading a book a book. By three I was asleep, and woke to eat dinner at 11.28. then went back to sleep again two hours later… I remember the time on the clock so clearly, the hands pointing slightly askew 11 and at 28… when I woke up the next morning it was like a freeze frame printed on the wall cos it was the exact same time again, the hands pointing slightly askew 11 and at 28. Maybe it was sheer coincidence, but it felt like some kind of portent, tho for what I dunno.
Anyway I got my new sony ericcson k700i now. Oh how I wish to complain about the circumstances under which I get it. The injustice! The dissatisfaction! The grim and forcibly cheery positivity! Sigh… then again maybe I shouldn’t… another day perhaps I shall Complain.
It is 2 am now I shall go to sleep
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
staying at home for four days
Lessee what I’ve done the past few days…..
.......
....
.....
Aha! I have done nothing!
Wow I realized staying at home and basically not doing anything is actually quite relaxing. I realized that going out makes me edgy and unhappy, on the contrary, I feel like I kinda lose touch with the home ‘spirit’, and adopt a meaner, more impatient grittiness… today I realized that, when I left the house and went out (to the library, again) for the first time in four days. When I came back the first thing that happened was that I felt irritated by my brother, and I was hit by pangs of unhappiness over having to come back to a crappy house. Which I dint feel the past few days. Maybe its just cos I got used to the house after four days. Maybe I just got reminded over how disconnected and bare home feels compared to the rest of the world, after entering the bustle of city-life again. Maybe… maybe this is all a reflection of how city-life sucks you dry and spits you out, how it turns you into an insta-gratifi-kid, clinging on in the fast-lane to nowhere, how it envelops you in a clamshell of isolation and vanity. My mom tells me this sometimes, how after I come back from school or going out, I get so easily irritable and snappish… I never believed her then, and we quarrel. I believe her now, cos I finally can see myself.
I guess what this all means is that we have to lighten up! And slow down, and listen properly to people. I got irritated cos my brother was giving me some really vague explanation when I asked him about the show we were watching. Well, at least I managed to control my reaction and dint shout or throw a barb back at him.
Just now told betty about jb being totally boring, how it’ll take a few hours (like, 5 or 6) just to get anywhere interesting, since she wants to go trekking or hiking or some major ‘adventure’ stuff, whatever that is. Hey man, I take like 45 mins just to get from customs to my house, no chance we can get anywhere in an hour like she’d prefer. So she asked me to check up on movies and whether ‘the notebook’ is still showing, I think I got that right… but jb doesn’t have any movie schedule things like in Today or Life newspapers… gosh how am I gonna check for any movies for her, its not like I can take a bus around to the individual theatres and look right? I’m really in a mess over this now cos I don’t want to disappoint her, but also cos even if I do bring her around I wont have the money to join her in whatever she’s doing, like watching movies, eating out, buying stuff the whole day. she’s got money to burn but hey, I’ve got to upgrade my plan and buy my phone still ok…
Anyways, tmrw going out again! no, not to library this time. Class is going to the zoo, which I think will be quite enjoyable provided the right ppl are there. Fishing poodles, if joy and alvin are gonna be there I dunno how I’m gonna put up with her nasal squawky whinings and his snobbish supercilicity… SOSOSOSO IRRITATING!!! I feel like smacking her with an ironing board. I feel like chucking him into the hippopotimashimup pool. I don’t understand how calbee can be so nice to everyone, and put up with ppl like these two… sigh I guess I’ll never make a good leader.
Well, at least I got two new books to read, today I got, lessee, Fairyland by Paul J McAuley and Out Of The Silent Planet/Perelandra by C S Lewis… yay if I finish reading those by end hols I’ll have read five books in two weeks. Yayyyy. So far I’ve read… The Simoqin Prophecies by Samit Basu (funny and thought-provoking but strange cliffhanger: 3 stars), Vacuum Diagrams by Stephen Baxter (oooh super sci-fi interesting: 4 stars). And Life Of Pi by Yann Martel (really catchy but i dint quite get it: 3 stars). And no its not about maths. Must read more! This feels like O levels all over again, fell under a reading spell at that time and kept reading books… read the entire LOTR sequence right in the middle of the Os themselves, I think I musta went a bit crazed by the studying. Perhaps it was relaxation haha, then I guess it’s a good thing haha.
Alright I better sleep tonight. Last few nights been sleeping at 4 and 5 am and playing POKEMON!!! Sigh this is what u call depravity man. God bless.
.......
....
.....
Aha! I have done nothing!
Wow I realized staying at home and basically not doing anything is actually quite relaxing. I realized that going out makes me edgy and unhappy, on the contrary, I feel like I kinda lose touch with the home ‘spirit’, and adopt a meaner, more impatient grittiness… today I realized that, when I left the house and went out (to the library, again) for the first time in four days. When I came back the first thing that happened was that I felt irritated by my brother, and I was hit by pangs of unhappiness over having to come back to a crappy house. Which I dint feel the past few days. Maybe its just cos I got used to the house after four days. Maybe I just got reminded over how disconnected and bare home feels compared to the rest of the world, after entering the bustle of city-life again. Maybe… maybe this is all a reflection of how city-life sucks you dry and spits you out, how it turns you into an insta-gratifi-kid, clinging on in the fast-lane to nowhere, how it envelops you in a clamshell of isolation and vanity. My mom tells me this sometimes, how after I come back from school or going out, I get so easily irritable and snappish… I never believed her then, and we quarrel. I believe her now, cos I finally can see myself.
I guess what this all means is that we have to lighten up! And slow down, and listen properly to people. I got irritated cos my brother was giving me some really vague explanation when I asked him about the show we were watching. Well, at least I managed to control my reaction and dint shout or throw a barb back at him.
Just now told betty about jb being totally boring, how it’ll take a few hours (like, 5 or 6) just to get anywhere interesting, since she wants to go trekking or hiking or some major ‘adventure’ stuff, whatever that is. Hey man, I take like 45 mins just to get from customs to my house, no chance we can get anywhere in an hour like she’d prefer. So she asked me to check up on movies and whether ‘the notebook’ is still showing, I think I got that right… but jb doesn’t have any movie schedule things like in Today or Life newspapers… gosh how am I gonna check for any movies for her, its not like I can take a bus around to the individual theatres and look right? I’m really in a mess over this now cos I don’t want to disappoint her, but also cos even if I do bring her around I wont have the money to join her in whatever she’s doing, like watching movies, eating out, buying stuff the whole day. she’s got money to burn but hey, I’ve got to upgrade my plan and buy my phone still ok…
Anyways, tmrw going out again! no, not to library this time. Class is going to the zoo, which I think will be quite enjoyable provided the right ppl are there. Fishing poodles, if joy and alvin are gonna be there I dunno how I’m gonna put up with her nasal squawky whinings and his snobbish supercilicity… SOSOSOSO IRRITATING!!! I feel like smacking her with an ironing board. I feel like chucking him into the hippopotimashimup pool. I don’t understand how calbee can be so nice to everyone, and put up with ppl like these two… sigh I guess I’ll never make a good leader.
Well, at least I got two new books to read, today I got, lessee, Fairyland by Paul J McAuley and Out Of The Silent Planet/Perelandra by C S Lewis… yay if I finish reading those by end hols I’ll have read five books in two weeks. Yayyyy. So far I’ve read… The Simoqin Prophecies by Samit Basu (funny and thought-provoking but strange cliffhanger: 3 stars), Vacuum Diagrams by Stephen Baxter (oooh super sci-fi interesting: 4 stars). And Life Of Pi by Yann Martel (really catchy but i dint quite get it: 3 stars). And no its not about maths. Must read more! This feels like O levels all over again, fell under a reading spell at that time and kept reading books… read the entire LOTR sequence right in the middle of the Os themselves, I think I musta went a bit crazed by the studying. Perhaps it was relaxation haha, then I guess it’s a good thing haha.
Alright I better sleep tonight. Last few nights been sleeping at 4 and 5 am and playing POKEMON!!! Sigh this is what u call depravity man. God bless.
Monday, September 06, 2004
money
What is it about money
You always bitchin about money
Always never enough
Always printing paper words
Of meaning nothing
Of nothing meaning
Anything of worth
No weight in gold
Just cold and waiting
On the sparkle of a one cent street
Opened for sales
And sales you stop
Stuck to your wallet
What do you call it?
Miser, poor rich man’s
Spoilt kid? Always your money
Always the game
where finders keep it
always bitchin about
fire and brimstone. Save it!
always bitchin about
your money
What is it about money
You always bitchin about money
Always never enough
Always printing paper words
Of meaning nothing
Of nothing meaning
Anything of worth
No weight in gold
Just cold and waiting
On the sparkle of a one cent street
Opened for sales
And sales you stop
Stuck to your wallet
What do you call it?
Miser, poor rich man’s
Spoilt kid? Always your money
Always the game
where finders keep it
always bitchin about
fire and brimstone. Save it!
always bitchin about
your money
Why do I pretend to be deep? I know that inside I am just a shallow omega.
I see myself in fragments. I try to be myself. But it is difficult, because I have too many selves. I am different people for different days, a multiplicity of personality to suit the friend and the need. I have lost myself. But maybe… maybe I am everyone… maybe I shapeshift like this because I can, because all these people of me, are me. Then I would say I am fragments, because then I am bit of everything, huddled together for warmth.
sigh why does life get so complicated sometimes...
i wish i could be with you now babe...
I see myself in fragments. I try to be myself. But it is difficult, because I have too many selves. I am different people for different days, a multiplicity of personality to suit the friend and the need. I have lost myself. But maybe… maybe I am everyone… maybe I shapeshift like this because I can, because all these people of me, are me. Then I would say I am fragments, because then I am bit of everything, huddled together for warmth.
sigh why does life get so complicated sometimes...
i wish i could be with you now babe...
slipping things
Glory and fame
Are these not the things we lust after? Are these not the things we try to achieve in our few years of life, in our few years of selfishness and mock subservience? Are these not the things that we try to carry home from the battlefields of competitions and races, of life and otherwise?
In the end, does it all matter?
Then I am a hypocrite. I lust after fame. I see the transient importance of name, and I love the embellishment of achievement. When the whole world knows your name, you are powerful, because what you say and do is noticed. People are audience to your actions, sidelined by the limelight of the pseudo-godhood brought on by your popularity. Is that not always how it is? Popularity is wielded like a whip to influence; be popular, and you are the fashion, you are the word of wisdom, you are smile that people return… It is unfair of course, but we have to accept that someone has to be king. That is the rule of the jungle.
Are these not the things we lust after? Are these not the things we try to achieve in our few years of life, in our few years of selfishness and mock subservience? Are these not the things that we try to carry home from the battlefields of competitions and races, of life and otherwise?
In the end, does it all matter?
Then I am a hypocrite. I lust after fame. I see the transient importance of name, and I love the embellishment of achievement. When the whole world knows your name, you are powerful, because what you say and do is noticed. People are audience to your actions, sidelined by the limelight of the pseudo-godhood brought on by your popularity. Is that not always how it is? Popularity is wielded like a whip to influence; be popular, and you are the fashion, you are the word of wisdom, you are smile that people return… It is unfair of course, but we have to accept that someone has to be king. That is the rule of the jungle.
Sunday, September 05, 2004
un-adventure jb
Betty wants to come over to jb and have me bring her around on some adventure pleasure-seeking thing. That’s great and it’d be so fun, just that jb isn't exactly anywhere near what she imagines it to. Sorry, no mountains in my backyard or oceans beyond the verandah here dear... so tmrw when I go out I’m gonna have to break the news that jb is actually quite a piece of shit and about as interesting as watching an ant trying to drag a dead caterpillar up a wall.
Well, ok maybe the shopping could be interesting? And she could stay over but then there isn't really anything to do at home either, except maybe watching ants trying to drag dead caterpillars around, which surprising is quite common in the garden, but usually its earthworms that crawl out of the soil after a rain and get dried up and stuck to the driveway. And then the ants have to cut the earthworms up and drag the little pieces around.
Having a girl over could get just a bit strange? I dunno, its never happened before. Could bring her shopping first, then in the evening go to Sultan’s Garden and let her look out to Singapore from the hill, yup that’d be so nice and scenic and breezy… mmm wouldn’t mind going there myself.
I want to go east coast. I want to go and sit on a shaded park bench and write in my diary. I wanna munch on an apple and watch the ships go by.
The world I love
The tears I drop
To be part of
the wave, cant stop
Ever wonder if its all for you?
Well, ok maybe the shopping could be interesting? And she could stay over but then there isn't really anything to do at home either, except maybe watching ants trying to drag dead caterpillars around, which surprising is quite common in the garden, but usually its earthworms that crawl out of the soil after a rain and get dried up and stuck to the driveway. And then the ants have to cut the earthworms up and drag the little pieces around.
Having a girl over could get just a bit strange? I dunno, its never happened before. Could bring her shopping first, then in the evening go to Sultan’s Garden and let her look out to Singapore from the hill, yup that’d be so nice and scenic and breezy… mmm wouldn’t mind going there myself.
I want to go east coast. I want to go and sit on a shaded park bench and write in my diary. I wanna munch on an apple and watch the ships go by.
The world I love
The tears I drop
To be part of
the wave, cant stop
Ever wonder if its all for you?
Why AH will get burnt to a roast piglet skin if a fire breaks out in school
AH will take 2 hours to decide where to meet
AH will lose a third its ppl as they go to the toilet unexpectedly and get burnt to death there
AH will lose a quarter of its ppl as they talk to friends from Australia who mysteriously appear out of nowhere, and get burnt to crocodile crispiness together
AH will lose a few ppl to the Man-Eating Canteen. “I’m gonna get a drink first” and they never return. Ever.
AH will lose a few ppl to the Econs Consultation force, whose intense gravitational pull is formed by the superdense Econs material.
AH will lose J.Bo to Ben Affleck. Also happens every recess, lunch and class gathering.
The rest will be lost to the Heisenberg Uncertainty effect, which states that if AH moves through space at y speed and has x people and x+1 movie choices, then the exact final position of the movie theater AH arrives at cannot be determined, except that space is on fire and AH gets burnt to charred ducks and y is O cos AH doesnt move anyway. If you dont understand it, its ok. It is all Quantum.
Hence AH will get burnt to fried chicken if a fire breaks out in school.
AH will take 2 hours to decide where to meet
AH will lose a third its ppl as they go to the toilet unexpectedly and get burnt to death there
AH will lose a quarter of its ppl as they talk to friends from Australia who mysteriously appear out of nowhere, and get burnt to crocodile crispiness together
AH will lose a few ppl to the Man-Eating Canteen. “I’m gonna get a drink first” and they never return. Ever.
AH will lose a few ppl to the Econs Consultation force, whose intense gravitational pull is formed by the superdense Econs material.
AH will lose J.Bo to Ben Affleck. Also happens every recess, lunch and class gathering.
The rest will be lost to the Heisenberg Uncertainty effect, which states that if AH moves through space at y speed and has x people and x+1 movie choices, then the exact final position of the movie theater AH arrives at cannot be determined, except that space is on fire and AH gets burnt to charred ducks and y is O cos AH doesnt move anyway. If you dont understand it, its ok. It is all Quantum.
Hence AH will get burnt to fried chicken if a fire breaks out in school.
Friday, September 03, 2004
teachers' day schhlay
Oh terrible, glad shining day.
I can never understand the happiness of birthdays and teachers’ days and oh-lets-be-happy special occasion days. Today ppl were giving the teachers presents and everything feeling so happy-happy and excited and whatnot, and the teachers were all gushy and appreciative and loud laugherty niceties. Why is it always this way? I tried to be around and smiley and happy for the teachers, handing out to them their nice, meaningful, quirky-cute gifts.
But it is hard to keep smiling when you don’t feel it.
If atmosphere is infectious maybe I’m on Panadol.
Well, at least after all that heehaaing some of us went out to Holland V.
I can never understand the happiness of birthdays and teachers’ days and oh-lets-be-happy special occasion days. Today ppl were giving the teachers presents and everything feeling so happy-happy and excited and whatnot, and the teachers were all gushy and appreciative and loud laugherty niceties. Why is it always this way? I tried to be around and smiley and happy for the teachers, handing out to them their nice, meaningful, quirky-cute gifts.
But it is hard to keep smiling when you don’t feel it.
If atmosphere is infectious maybe I’m on Panadol.
Well, at least after all that heehaaing some of us went out to Holland V.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
missing something?
Shopping was lousily boring. I wish jb had more men’s clothes shops ard, its so hard to find nice clothes nowadays. Or maybe I’m just becoming so much more finicky about what I wear. My mum said its not that I don’t have enough clothes, its just that I don’t want to wear those that I have. I argued that some of them are really ‘unwearable’ now, that I’ve outgrown that kind of clothing. Looking back now it seems so childish to say that… so I guess I’ve really just becoming a fickle pig. Sigh. In the end only bought one shirt after walking ard for like nearly two hours. Well… to look on the bright side at least I still got some money left haha.
Tmrw is teacher’s day! Happy Teacher’s Day all teachers!! This goes out to all the teachers I know or who have taught me, God bless you all for being there and being, even if not beacons, at least markers to guide our way. To Mr Ngoei, Mr Lynn, ms Ganga, mrs Cref, ms Leow and my all-time fav ms Netty (who’s getting married this sat! I’m so happy for you!!!). And yes even ms Koh who forced me to get my hair massacred by the school barber, you taught me patience and the moral rightness of not strangling you to death and tying your putrid corpulence to a ceiling fan.
So thank you all. Tmrw is your Day.
I will not go to school.
Going out by myself is so bland.
But I cant stop now now
I’ve got troubles of my own
Because I’m short on time
I’m lonely and I’m too tired to talk
Keane Cant Stop Now
Sometimes the last thing on my mind is to find that someone.
Tmrw is teacher’s day! Happy Teacher’s Day all teachers!! This goes out to all the teachers I know or who have taught me, God bless you all for being there and being, even if not beacons, at least markers to guide our way. To Mr Ngoei, Mr Lynn, ms Ganga, mrs Cref, ms Leow and my all-time fav ms Netty (who’s getting married this sat! I’m so happy for you!!!). And yes even ms Koh who forced me to get my hair massacred by the school barber, you taught me patience and the moral rightness of not strangling you to death and tying your putrid corpulence to a ceiling fan.
So thank you all. Tmrw is your Day.
I will not go to school.
Going out by myself is so bland.
But I cant stop now now
I’ve got troubles of my own
Because I’m short on time
I’m lonely and I’m too tired to talk
Keane Cant Stop Now
Sometimes the last thing on my mind is to find that someone.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
10 reasons I am an idiot
1. I miss my only reefwalk OJT
2. I fail my prelims
3. I go to orchard and sit in the library the whole day for two days in a row. On a weekend
4. I laugh too much which makes ppl think I am generally insane
5. I pretend that I am smart by being in AH
6. I loiter outside a women’s boutique trying to figure out whether it is actually a men’s boutique. A men’s boutique?
7. I am broke cos I’m stashing money to buy a 500 buck phone. I can buy 22 shirts in JB with that money.
8. I am going shopping tmrw to make myself feel better about being broke and stupid
9. I don’t have enough brain cells to think of the last reason
10. and the last last reason
2. I fail my prelims
3. I go to orchard and sit in the library the whole day for two days in a row. On a weekend
4. I laugh too much which makes ppl think I am generally insane
5. I pretend that I am smart by being in AH
6. I loiter outside a women’s boutique trying to figure out whether it is actually a men’s boutique. A men’s boutique?
7. I am broke cos I’m stashing money to buy a 500 buck phone. I can buy 22 shirts in JB with that money.
8. I am going shopping tmrw to make myself feel better about being broke and stupid
9. I don’t have enough brain cells to think of the last reason
10. and the last last reason
the most important thing tmrw (which i forgot)
Just realized that tmrw morning I’ve got a Reefguide training on!!
Oh shit… I think I’m really screwed this time. Supposed to meet at collyer quay at 6am… well its already one thirty now. how am i to get to collyer quay from JB at this time??! To get there on time I need to be able to buy a bomb, because it will cost a bomb to get a cab in the middle of the night from my house to customs then woodlands to collyer quay…I feel so stupid! I feel like I’m letting the whole team of organisers and ppl going for the reefwalk down. And most of all letting myself down. I wish I could somehow get there on time (and have revised enough of the notes, but I cant cos I haven't downloaded them yet). This is already meant to be the make-up OnJobTraining!! I don’t think there’ll be a next anymore.
So probably my Reefguide ambitions end here, unless by some miracle I can catch up with practical training while dealing with As themselves. But I think not. Screwed.
Supposed to make it to official Nparks guide status (or something like that) by end of this year…
but now no more liao…
whywhywhywhy did I forget, I even wrote it in my notebook.
I am feeling frustrated at 1.40 in the morning, hooray. The potential reefguides will meet in 4hrs and 20mins time. I will not be among them. Hoooray. Great to be me.
Oh shit… I think I’m really screwed this time. Supposed to meet at collyer quay at 6am… well its already one thirty now. how am i to get to collyer quay from JB at this time??! To get there on time I need to be able to buy a bomb, because it will cost a bomb to get a cab in the middle of the night from my house to customs then woodlands to collyer quay…I feel so stupid! I feel like I’m letting the whole team of organisers and ppl going for the reefwalk down. And most of all letting myself down. I wish I could somehow get there on time (and have revised enough of the notes, but I cant cos I haven't downloaded them yet). This is already meant to be the make-up OnJobTraining!! I don’t think there’ll be a next anymore.
So probably my Reefguide ambitions end here, unless by some miracle I can catch up with practical training while dealing with As themselves. But I think not. Screwed.
Supposed to make it to official Nparks guide status (or something like that) by end of this year…
but now no more liao…
whywhywhywhy did I forget, I even wrote it in my notebook.
I am feeling frustrated at 1.40 in the morning, hooray. The potential reefguides will meet in 4hrs and 20mins time. I will not be among them. Hoooray. Great to be me.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
postprelimpostpostpost
Yay finally prelims are over. Now we wait for the results to come back so that the teachers can tell us how badly we’ve done. But its ok I guess, I think I’ll need to get down to some serious studying especially for econs and maths if I’m gonna even have a chance of passing As.
And to stop thinking about her and get my own life in order. Sometimes I think I’m getting lost again, but then isn't that how its supposed to feel? I really don’t know… I get more confused everyday… therefore I think the best policy is to just stop thinking about it altogether.
In the last few days I decided not to expect too much. If two ppl are chanced to meet, then so be it, I’m not gonna go running about and chucking aside what I’m doing just to be with someone I hardly even talk to face to face.
I dreamt of her once. She was looking at me with those lovely feline bright sharp eyes of hers. She said something along the lines of ‘hey you better do something soon. You’re running out of time.’
Something like that.
This was, what, two months ago? Between then and now I’ve been training for nationals, going for asean, mugging madly for prelims, and taking the prelims themselves. I think, if the dream portends rightly, I have Run Out Of Time.
So. I think I will Get My Life Into Order.
That is my goal now.
Screw relationships.
Tomorrow I’m going shopping!! Hopefully I actually buy something this time. Everytime I go out intending to expand my (limited) wardrobe I end up visiting many many shops and buying nothing nothing. Stupid.
So far I have 1 orange shirt 2 green shirts 1 white shirt and many black shirts. Not counting tees cos I cant stand wearing tees, they make me feel like a miscreant escaped from nus medical centre.
Tmrw! I hope to return with some proper clothes. Hooray anyways cos I love shopping. Today when I went out to City Square I loitered outside this shop wondering if I should go in or not, cos it kinda looked like it was selling guys apparel but all the mannequins were female. So I loitered around glancing into the shop filled with female mannequins and maybe-guy-apparel hoping I wasn’t looking like a perv. Some of the store clerks were staring at me. Some of the people walking around inside the shop were looking my way. lalala quickly walked away...
I wonder if Betty still wants to come over and shop… hmmm was wondering that on the way home. Better ask her soon before her holiday schedule gets filled out with whatever she does.
And to stop thinking about her and get my own life in order. Sometimes I think I’m getting lost again, but then isn't that how its supposed to feel? I really don’t know… I get more confused everyday… therefore I think the best policy is to just stop thinking about it altogether.
In the last few days I decided not to expect too much. If two ppl are chanced to meet, then so be it, I’m not gonna go running about and chucking aside what I’m doing just to be with someone I hardly even talk to face to face.
I dreamt of her once. She was looking at me with those lovely feline bright sharp eyes of hers. She said something along the lines of ‘hey you better do something soon. You’re running out of time.’
Something like that.
This was, what, two months ago? Between then and now I’ve been training for nationals, going for asean, mugging madly for prelims, and taking the prelims themselves. I think, if the dream portends rightly, I have Run Out Of Time.
So. I think I will Get My Life Into Order.
That is my goal now.
Screw relationships.
Tomorrow I’m going shopping!! Hopefully I actually buy something this time. Everytime I go out intending to expand my (limited) wardrobe I end up visiting many many shops and buying nothing nothing. Stupid.
So far I have 1 orange shirt 2 green shirts 1 white shirt and many black shirts. Not counting tees cos I cant stand wearing tees, they make me feel like a miscreant escaped from nus medical centre.
Tmrw! I hope to return with some proper clothes. Hooray anyways cos I love shopping. Today when I went out to City Square I loitered outside this shop wondering if I should go in or not, cos it kinda looked like it was selling guys apparel but all the mannequins were female. So I loitered around glancing into the shop filled with female mannequins and maybe-guy-apparel hoping I wasn’t looking like a perv. Some of the store clerks were staring at me. Some of the people walking around inside the shop were looking my way. lalala quickly walked away...
I wonder if Betty still wants to come over and shop… hmmm was wondering that on the way home. Better ask her soon before her holiday schedule gets filled out with whatever she does.
Monday, August 30, 2004
weekend in e library
From today, we’ve got ten weeks to As, which makes for about a week a subject including s paper and that’s cutting it close for the weaker subjects… nobody really seems bothered abt it tho, at least not enough to actually contemplate real studying. We’re having a class outing tmrw to Kallang SSC to bowl, for goodness sake! And E8 isnt even over yet.
Went out myself the past two days. Felt kinda lonely and truthfully quite pathetic. No money to really spend. In town there’s really only two things to do. Generally, it’d be either spending money, or going to the library. Or yah actually there’s also window shopping but then its never really window shopping is it… I always end up buying something. I bought two cds yay!! Keane’s hopes and dreams and incubus’ fungus amongus… wow so surprised to find fungus amongus at all! Its like incubus’ first album and so old already… anyway I thank God for leading me to that wonderful shop Gramophone in paragon, and so that I could save $8 on cds. Everybody, let’s welcome the new Teen Choice music store of 2004/2005… go to gramophone… without music life would be a mistake… gramophone singapore pls pay me premiums for advertising for you…
Keane is so good!!!! His voice is like coffee cream!!! Omigods I cant get enough of Somewhere Only We Know right now… I would prob cry listening to it if I let myself… MMMMmMMmMmmmmhh!!! So bone-achingly haunting, so sweetly anguished, the tenets of intangible sorrow and joy wrapped up in verse and voice, chord and cymbal. Every cent I spent on him is worth it.
Everyone, please go buy keane. And an econopack of tissue.
Being out by myself let me learn two things. Being content is being happy in the things you do, no matter what you think your friends may say if they knew or how the people immediately around you may look at you. Like staying in the library for two days straight. In the middle of orchard. (Orchard! Ppl will gasp. You mean u go all the way to orchard just to sit in the library for hours and hours and hours!? Yes, do that did I) There is a peace in books, a peace that does not come with wrangling over prices in shops, or imagining urself in those clothes you could never afford, or walking past cafes selling coffee that would rightly burn a hole in your wallet and then carry on eating up ur pocket until u’re left clutching your zipper to your undies and there’s two weird cloth rings around your ankles. Industrial strength Fabric-Eating Coffee!! Rejoice one and all. Anyways, sitting in the library is very soothing, with the right book, I was reading Vacuum Diagrams by stephen baxter, and I wouldn’t mind staying there the whole day if my butt dint start aching after an hour of sitting down.
Can u imagine ppl study at orchard library? They bring their books and sit down on the floor and start doing work at the cushioned benches lining the glass walls. Gosh I just feel like kicking them and feeding their bloody homework into the book return slot. Cant they see the study culture only extends around the café galilee tables? The benches are for my ass and other readers’ asses, not for your vision-impaired homework business…
Today I did a good deed. I helped this promotion girl in cold storage to move a tv set. It was part of her promotion gig and she was struggling to move it into a trolley. So I came up and said hey can I help u with that and she smiled with relief, then I moved it back onto the table and stood there adjusting it to face forwards. Only then she told me she was trying to move it into the trolley. I think at this point I made a strangled noise and looked at the ceiling, but I cant really remember cos I think my brain melted in the heat of embarrassment. But oh my gosh she was so pretty!! She had that kind of perfect apple face and flawless skin (haha but I could see where the foundation was a bit uneven so it wasn’t really flawless). I could say things about the length of her skirt too… it was way way too short. But I gotta admit she was really pretty… but when she thanked me for my help suddenly my regard of her dropped a few degrees, no pun intended. she went ‘Tang Kiu!’ in a super ahlian act cute wannabe tone and beamed at me. But I was already walking away and said ‘that’s alright’ and grinned as casually as possible. Maybe it was surprise… or disgust. I dunno. She looked very intelligent (and pretty), but somehow the ahlian inflection in that ‘thank you’ just warped her into a shallow mindedness I dint expect. A bit later while walking ard cold storage I saw her again cos she ended shift. She’d changed into a calf length skirt, and she saw me too. Somehow she dint look so pretty anymore.
Went out myself the past two days. Felt kinda lonely and truthfully quite pathetic. No money to really spend. In town there’s really only two things to do. Generally, it’d be either spending money, or going to the library. Or yah actually there’s also window shopping but then its never really window shopping is it… I always end up buying something. I bought two cds yay!! Keane’s hopes and dreams and incubus’ fungus amongus… wow so surprised to find fungus amongus at all! Its like incubus’ first album and so old already… anyway I thank God for leading me to that wonderful shop Gramophone in paragon, and so that I could save $8 on cds. Everybody, let’s welcome the new Teen Choice music store of 2004/2005… go to gramophone… without music life would be a mistake… gramophone singapore pls pay me premiums for advertising for you…
Keane is so good!!!! His voice is like coffee cream!!! Omigods I cant get enough of Somewhere Only We Know right now… I would prob cry listening to it if I let myself… MMMMmMMmMmmmmhh!!! So bone-achingly haunting, so sweetly anguished, the tenets of intangible sorrow and joy wrapped up in verse and voice, chord and cymbal. Every cent I spent on him is worth it.
Everyone, please go buy keane. And an econopack of tissue.
Being out by myself let me learn two things. Being content is being happy in the things you do, no matter what you think your friends may say if they knew or how the people immediately around you may look at you. Like staying in the library for two days straight. In the middle of orchard. (Orchard! Ppl will gasp. You mean u go all the way to orchard just to sit in the library for hours and hours and hours!? Yes, do that did I) There is a peace in books, a peace that does not come with wrangling over prices in shops, or imagining urself in those clothes you could never afford, or walking past cafes selling coffee that would rightly burn a hole in your wallet and then carry on eating up ur pocket until u’re left clutching your zipper to your undies and there’s two weird cloth rings around your ankles. Industrial strength Fabric-Eating Coffee!! Rejoice one and all. Anyways, sitting in the library is very soothing, with the right book, I was reading Vacuum Diagrams by stephen baxter, and I wouldn’t mind staying there the whole day if my butt dint start aching after an hour of sitting down.
Can u imagine ppl study at orchard library? They bring their books and sit down on the floor and start doing work at the cushioned benches lining the glass walls. Gosh I just feel like kicking them and feeding their bloody homework into the book return slot. Cant they see the study culture only extends around the café galilee tables? The benches are for my ass and other readers’ asses, not for your vision-impaired homework business…
Today I did a good deed. I helped this promotion girl in cold storage to move a tv set. It was part of her promotion gig and she was struggling to move it into a trolley. So I came up and said hey can I help u with that and she smiled with relief, then I moved it back onto the table and stood there adjusting it to face forwards. Only then she told me she was trying to move it into the trolley. I think at this point I made a strangled noise and looked at the ceiling, but I cant really remember cos I think my brain melted in the heat of embarrassment. But oh my gosh she was so pretty!! She had that kind of perfect apple face and flawless skin (haha but I could see where the foundation was a bit uneven so it wasn’t really flawless). I could say things about the length of her skirt too… it was way way too short. But I gotta admit she was really pretty… but when she thanked me for my help suddenly my regard of her dropped a few degrees, no pun intended. she went ‘Tang Kiu!’ in a super ahlian act cute wannabe tone and beamed at me. But I was already walking away and said ‘that’s alright’ and grinned as casually as possible. Maybe it was surprise… or disgust. I dunno. She looked very intelligent (and pretty), but somehow the ahlian inflection in that ‘thank you’ just warped her into a shallow mindedness I dint expect. A bit later while walking ard cold storage I saw her again cos she ended shift. She’d changed into a calf length skirt, and she saw me too. Somehow she dint look so pretty anymore.
Saturday, August 28, 2004
astrozillaboy
Met this 6 yr old kid on the train. He was an angel for a second then he turned into the nightmare visualization of Astroboy. Yina and I were going home on the train from jurong east after class gathering at swensons. He was so cute at first… I stuck my tongue out at him then he stuck his tongue out at me. He was waving his astroboy badge in the air. By the time we got to kranji he was screaming up and down the train carriage and bashing my chest, and jumping about and stepping on my feet and trying to exhume my dead teddybear from its pocket (I told him it was dead hoping he would stop trying to tear it up) and banging on my bag and pretending he was astroboy and that he could fly. And he was shouting things I dunno what they were what I think maybe it is wiser not to know. Thank goodness I had my bag over my legs or else I cannot imagine what kind or sensitive appendage destruction he would do.
astroboy had turned into astrozillaboy...
Ok I admit a bit to playing with him at first and working him up to some sort of adrenaline frenzy…
But I didn’t know I would release astrozillaboy into the unsuspecting MRTland! Quite unexpectedly his mum was just sitting there, half turned away, eyes closed, completely at peace. Yina said she was prob glad I took astrozillaboy off her hands for that fifteen minutes. But I’m no ultraman. The kid was quite chubby cute tho, and I imagine quite lovable at appropriate times.
I think tokyo should invent a roll of Suzuki Duct Tape XXXL so ultraman vega or omega or popcorn or his kernel siblings can just tape up the monsters and dump them into some landfill or something. The monsters never seem smart enough to use their brains if they even have any. If they’re so advanced that they can fly across space then why do they always fall into buildings and lie there wiggling their stupid arms. Stupid monsters. If ultraman cant stand earth’s polluted atmosphere why doesn’t he just fly into orbit and shoot the bloody stupid monsters from space with his laser thingy. I don’t understand. Maybe it’s a conspiracy to get international funding to rebuild tokyo. Then the government keeps some every time aid arrives and Japan prospers without having to produce anything. Except maybe bloody stupid monsters.
astroboy had turned into astrozillaboy...
Ok I admit a bit to playing with him at first and working him up to some sort of adrenaline frenzy…
But I didn’t know I would release astrozillaboy into the unsuspecting MRTland! Quite unexpectedly his mum was just sitting there, half turned away, eyes closed, completely at peace. Yina said she was prob glad I took astrozillaboy off her hands for that fifteen minutes. But I’m no ultraman. The kid was quite chubby cute tho, and I imagine quite lovable at appropriate times.
I think tokyo should invent a roll of Suzuki Duct Tape XXXL so ultraman vega or omega or popcorn or his kernel siblings can just tape up the monsters and dump them into some landfill or something. The monsters never seem smart enough to use their brains if they even have any. If they’re so advanced that they can fly across space then why do they always fall into buildings and lie there wiggling their stupid arms. Stupid monsters. If ultraman cant stand earth’s polluted atmosphere why doesn’t he just fly into orbit and shoot the bloody stupid monsters from space with his laser thingy. I don’t understand. Maybe it’s a conspiracy to get international funding to rebuild tokyo. Then the government keeps some every time aid arrives and Japan prospers without having to produce anything. Except maybe bloody stupid monsters.
levity
Someone told me ‘you’re so fulla crap’. Which is prob true. I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t. and I wouldn’t be sane either. Not that many ppl think I’m sane anyway, cref thinks I’m from outer space and prob some ppl think I’m weird, which is ok, and some other ppl think I’m gay, which is not ok. Look, I may a bitch at times, but I’m not gay ok. Being gay means I walk like I cant control my hips, have muscular deficiencies in my wrists and talk like some horny crab is gripping my balls. Stereotypical? Well, how would ppl define a gay? I bet I wouldn’t fit in the description. Having pierced ears and wearing earrings does not mean I’m gay either. And hey I talk to girls a million times more than I talk to guys, isn't that kinda contradictory already?
I want to create a bitch club. Me and melvin and maybe joshua phua, but I think josh is too sincerely nice at heart to be a bitch. We could go around doing good deeds like visiting old folks and doing environmental preservation works like Labrador Park Watch and so on. I will be Chief Bitch and melvin will be the Chief Bitch’s Bitch. Josh can be the antiBitch, the antineutron to our neutron, the baryon to our photino. He can dispense logical and supervisory advice, while we dream up plans of world domination. It will be so much fun. I am not gay.
I want to create a bitch club. Me and melvin and maybe joshua phua, but I think josh is too sincerely nice at heart to be a bitch. We could go around doing good deeds like visiting old folks and doing environmental preservation works like Labrador Park Watch and so on. I will be Chief Bitch and melvin will be the Chief Bitch’s Bitch. Josh can be the antiBitch, the antineutron to our neutron, the baryon to our photino. He can dispense logical and supervisory advice, while we dream up plans of world domination. It will be so much fun. I am not gay.
Friday, August 27, 2004
lil' mish
today is mich lee's b'dae!!! michelle is now eighteen... welcome to the club! i think lil' mish is the sweetest girl i know... no kidding...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Thursday, August 26, 2004
argh
went to gym today
after nearly two months
i feel like a sausage now
or i guess as close to what a sausage can feel.. i think a sausage feels like its been beaten up by. after it is compressed and churned up by metal mixers and squeezed thru a little sausage-making hole. maybe the bits of farmyard animal that made it can feel the residue of pain, you know like in the residue consciousness of the residue farmyard animal... i dunno maybe. i wonder which parts go into the sausage machine.
anyway what if i fall asleep during exams later.. i think that would be not good. maybe abel will skip the the paper again haha. then cref will screw him upside down... this is prelims omigod he'll be hunted down and cut up and sausagified just a chicken
good luck to all
but i think it needs a miracle for us to pass now
i think i need to get like 95% on this section just to pass overall
miraclemiracle but i dont think miracles happen in ao maths class. oh wait.. come to think of it actually... mr tan is like david copperfield. he makes his students disappear. in the course of a year he can reduce a class of 25 down to a dozen and then on the day of exams they all magically reappear again. but then they fail so what difference does it make.
miracles can happen i guess
if i pray for it to happen i think God will throw me into His sausage machine and create new life all over again. Ayam brand human sausage. call me Ayam. in the image of... a sausage.
blogging is so fun
after nearly two months
i feel like a sausage now
or i guess as close to what a sausage can feel.. i think a sausage feels like its been beaten up by. after it is compressed and churned up by metal mixers and squeezed thru a little sausage-making hole. maybe the bits of farmyard animal that made it can feel the residue of pain, you know like in the residue consciousness of the residue farmyard animal... i dunno maybe. i wonder which parts go into the sausage machine.
anyway what if i fall asleep during exams later.. i think that would be not good. maybe abel will skip the the paper again haha. then cref will screw him upside down... this is prelims omigod he'll be hunted down and cut up and sausagified just a chicken
good luck to all
but i think it needs a miracle for us to pass now
i think i need to get like 95% on this section just to pass overall
miraclemiracle but i dont think miracles happen in ao maths class. oh wait.. come to think of it actually... mr tan is like david copperfield. he makes his students disappear. in the course of a year he can reduce a class of 25 down to a dozen and then on the day of exams they all magically reappear again. but then they fail so what difference does it make.
miracles can happen i guess
if i pray for it to happen i think God will throw me into His sausage machine and create new life all over again. Ayam brand human sausage. call me Ayam. in the image of... a sausage.
blogging is so fun
blug no 1
yay
today i made a blog
unfortunately its 3 and a half hours away to ao maths exam and total death for me..
how! i dun wanna study but its exams so i guess its that or well, total death and uncomfortable silence and headscratching as you sit at your desk for two and a half hours trying to appear like you're working hard to solve your muddlematics problems..
i dint study in the end. verily.
luke somewhere out there pls know i'm keeping u in my prayers, and i know you can survive this tough time... and you'll only come out of this stronger... God bless.
i am hungry..
today i made a blog
unfortunately its 3 and a half hours away to ao maths exam and total death for me..
how! i dun wanna study but its exams so i guess its that or well, total death and uncomfortable silence and headscratching as you sit at your desk for two and a half hours trying to appear like you're working hard to solve your muddlematics problems..
i dint study in the end. verily.
luke somewhere out there pls know i'm keeping u in my prayers, and i know you can survive this tough time... and you'll only come out of this stronger... God bless.
i am hungry..
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