out and about

Army

Not bad

Confinement for two weeks

Makes u realize what you hold closest to you. And yet somehow when all my friends are missing their families and homes I’m thinking of how I can go for the next party once I book out. Disconcerting. Melf sez I should stop telling myself I don’t miss my family, but I cant differentiate whether this is a case of mentality… or simply of not giving a damn. Either way… I feel troubled, and being at home now its costing me a certain distancing from my family. Con. Fused.

On my way back to home part of me was wishing I didn’t have to come back, but could just stay in camp. Family shmamily. Maybe I’m just deliberately alienating myself from those around me so I wont have to miss them, and feel the aches and pains of being away from comfortable conventions. Whatwhatwhatwhat poodle. I think something is screwed up with my emotional being. I think I am becoming more and more screwed up.

Army seems to be cultivating this aggression. Call it willpower or rebelliousness or both. Or testosteronal ego, the kind that tailgates you down the CTE and picks a fight along clarke quay. It’s a curse, a curse! At mambo I almost reached breaking point (the point at which I break someone’s nose, in this case justin’s) when he, for his own amusement or whatever, nearly yanked off my cap and glasses when I was dancing. I guess the inner angel managed to lasso the inner demon with his halo in time and whisper ‘Turn the tribal drumbeat down a bit please…’ and convert the breaking point into merely a shoving point, such that no one got hurt. Except justin’s cap which I threw on the dance floor and I suspect got mamboed a bit. Only a bit.

The masculinity army develops works like this: my buddy came in reserved and small, with proper english; now he bangs the table during conversations and swears. ‘Wah lau eh! *bangs table* Hahaha what the eff man!’
I guess we all get influenced and hand over a portion of civilisation like tributes to appease our 2nd lefs and platoon sergeant gods. We gladly exchange gentleness and thoughtfulness for a chance to fit into Sibeh-Macho University. The other SMU.

Disillusionment
The saf is supposed to be organized, but its not. Neither is it efficient. Or intelligent. I have no idea how to bring across what it is… just that it is none of these qualities. What a waste of time. I find the best way to deal with it is not to think about it at all and just blank out.

‘Knock it down 40!’
*blanks out and knocks down 40*

‘Dari kanan cepat jalan!’
*blanks out and marches*

‘You effing lunchboxes, charlie brown la!’
*blanks out and psychic censor kicks in*

just do it baby.

the brain kinda auto-restarts when the next string of commands roll off.

Sigh
The last thing I want now is to get tangled up in affairs of the heart.
Avoid!
Don’t book coffee dates!
Don’t drop little hints!
Don’t dance with people!
Don’t call to ask how they are!
I might as well bury myself in a hole and die.
Sigh.

22nd jan 2005 1150am