turning moment

caleb said my blog is dead, which well, kinda is the truth just that i dont wanna admit it..

i'd say its not dead cos i intend to write something in it soon. i always intend to write something in it soon. i just dont really know what i wanna write in it most of the time and anyway 'soon' is subjective so universally speaking my blog is not dead its just resting for a while.

yesterday was xmas day and today is my brother's birthday, but he's having dance camp as he has been for the past nine days and isnt back yet... not much of a celebrating tradition in my family and anyways even if he was back birthdays arent that big a deal here in my home.. neither is xmas. i glad i have someone who can bring me for midnight mass.

there was an occasion i had to think of what date it was yesterday and i had trouble remembering it and theo had to supply the 25th for me.. well.. guess its an army effect. ppl say its like you lose track of time and dont know what day it is. i think its more of a losing track of dates, and the timescale changes. thats planet SAF for you. it feels like...there's today, tomorrow, yesterday, last-week-that-day, go-back-to-camp day, the evergreen bookout day and more. but nobody ever knows what the heck today's date is.

i dint really register it was the 25th but i did know clearly it was xmas day and my second real long wkend in six months. coincidentally ocs time runs ten minutes faster than outside time, which goes to prove that there indeed is a planet saf and every time you pass through the gates into an army camp you are actually, really, passing through a portal into another world. the guards and inspections are just hypocritical bullshit cos they never find anything anyway.

had a wonderful stayover and games at joy's place last night, where faces from fading pictures in my mind revived themselves and splashed new colour and smiles into my mental frame.. its simply so great to see so many friends again. its great to see caleb again, and to hear him, even though joy thinks he talks too much, i feel Ah just cant do without him talking! joshua joy caleb michlee howard liz jonong.. ppl like these carry part of our identity, and form something recognisable. i guess we all bring a part of ourselves into this class circle..form a part of that identity that, like a campfire we can warm our hands around, brings us all back to together and encapsulates us. its hard to dissolve this kind of familiarity and bond, difficult to dispel this gravity that has held us as a class for the past two years, and i hope with all my heart can hold us together in our ageing.

sounds like mimalayas.

whats that word game we were playing?

when was the last time i laughed so freely around ppl.

'love is not who you can see yourself with, but who you cant see yourself without'

theo just msged me 'what are you doing now?' with some minor affectations before that but never mind what im doing now is walking the blog. and thinking of her.

thinking of you.

this city's made us crazy

and we must get out.


i'm tired and i'm sick and i'm aching and i'm sleep-deprived and i'm enslaved to my own obligation
and i missed yina's flight out and wont be seeing her. for. a. year.

the only consolation today: found two oooh so lovely nice shirts, and my hair decided to behave

other than that its just been so sucky and irritating i wish i dint go out today.
maybe its just my fault for not being understanding, or accommodating enough, or tolerant enough.

i dont like my life

i dint realize i havent blogged for so long! somehow i've taken time to be measured in weekend blocks, so i think that since its not been THAT many weekends since i last posted an entry it hasnt felt like any significant loss to my blogging history.

then when i come online and go to my blog and read my last entry (like more than a month ago), i also realize i cant think of anything to blog about that isnt so scandalous or private or embarrasing that i wouldnt want anyone to read about and hyperventilate and die. used to have lots of crap to put down so that i wouldnt forget what the crap was on my mind that i didnt want to forget, but now i cant think of the next thing i wanted to say to anyone or whatever things i had to bitch about two days ago that seemed so important then. maybe it just means i'm becoming more mature and less focused on trivial bitchy interpersonal issues. as if.

its funny when meeting up with other guys and we have to make an agreement that in the next half an hour we WILL NOT talk about army stuff. but the saf worm will still manage to escape after a few minutes. indefatigable. no wonder its said the army life is no life at all.

i will never in my life sign on to the army. i would have to be crazy.

right now, i dont like my life. at all.

worse for the wear

home for today and yesterday and tomorrow

of all things to happen i have to get myself injured and fall sick AT THE SAME TIME during driving... bloody stupid.. strained my back and had a fever, and at 11.30 at night after coming back from the driving circuit i was compelled by my instructors to report to the medical centre.

but its a nice break tho.. even if i have to leave e other two guys in my crew to do a three man servicing for the next few days.

staying at home isnt that exciting... i'd rather be outfield or in camp doing servicing.. even though its torturous at times and exhausting all the time, it comes to a point where you cannot help but feel a sense of duty and responsibility towards your crew, knowing that once you're not there they're gonna have to take up your job as well as their own... guilt.

a scarlet picture

this morning i watched the sky brighten as morning overtook clementi...how many more mornings will i catch in armour? how many nights will i stay up outside? sleep seems second place now... but what can you do when you want to commit to opposites...both i wouldnt want to lose.

last night crowding at essential brews reminded me that i was never a group person.. and still am not.. cant stand the squeezed, cramped noise, having to shout so that the other person can hear you, feeling so out of sorts...all the conversation cliques forming all about and not really interested in joining any..

so phua and i left for starbucks, back into some comfortable human space. and as luck would have it, the entire sofa was OURS! Mwahaha. so much better than the eenymeeny cushions and low tables at essential brews. it pays to have initiative, i say. hahaha.
and we talked about stuff.... so glad to be able to sit down together and chat about anything... been a long time.

leaving essential brews xiangwei jumped out at us from behind a pillar. and went 'Hwwar!!!' i swear my heart skipped and my life shortened by a 10 years. i want to hit him with a pot.

i think when real friendships form there's something tangible-invisible that you can count on going back to whenever you meet up again... its like turning off the road when you say bye and picking up the trail from where you left off again when you say hi... met so many old friends (old? is half a year ago old? hmm..) and nothing changes. all the familiar flavoured warmth and casualness. micht joshy omalley shah sumei aloy...
gotta arrange a time to meet up with ppl before they fade out of focus. dint see yapx or audrey, which was a bit of a disappointment..

went out with theo afterwards for a bit...
sigh. she paints my sky with sunshine.


why do you hurt when you're happy?

first you will turn into an evil robot

hmm i like that.
back from brunei!! woohoo!!

quite happy to be back, savouring the flight from there to home, the familiar SIA uniforms, singapore air, singapore grass, singapore trees.

home isnt that great, but once you've been away, you know you have to come back.

went for the tankee test today. out of 51 we were 22.. now just waiting for the results tmrw... see who makes the final 12.

MEMEME!!
*sticks hand in air*
i want be
a tankee

was just thinking of msging yingshi and josh and on my way home today, but my phone went dead at juussstt the right time that i was faced with another couple hours out of the house, and i couldnt even msg the ppl i wanted to talk to most... several thoughts went through my mind, like

if i buy the new burgers at bk will they let me use their power socket?

should i call from a payphone?

could i lock myself in a public toilet and use the sockets in there?

of course being logical and reasonable, i knew there were no sockets in bk. but the other two options were really options. reallyreally. i even had the fluddy sony ericsson charger in my bag to charge my phone. just dint do it. aiyah.

can you imagine, i had no network coverage in brunei!? some 'inactive sim' pasted itself across my screen and thats it...voila no pay-as-you-roam. singtel i am disappointed. gonna go comprain this wkend.
10 days had to live off other ppl, sigh. thank goodness for friends.

then there was this person, 93360648, who msged me. i presumed he (or she?) knew me well enough to call me 'bro', so i dint ask who it was, and we kept msging each other for quite some time. we even agreed to meet some time we're free for pool.

i still havent figured out who this person is leh. hmm.
but interesting to find out who it is though. maybe i'll keep msging til we do meet for pool then it'll be like, 'SURPRISE!' haha so cool.

hungry.....

oh brunei shopping is terrible.. everything there is so commercial, so blank boring normal fashion...gosh we were given one and half hours in a shopping centre, and bleagh i could've frosted over with boredom. towards the end i escaped out into the surrounding suburbs and took a walk among the mama shops, even though we were warned to stay only within the shopping centre...so there was a bbiiiiittt of redemption la, even thought the manymany neighbourhood electronic stores and mama shops dint really sell anything different.

but. i feel i had a good time in slowjog, despite it all.

God bless.

Your Deadly Sins

Wrath: 80%

Envy: 60%

Greed: 60%

Gluttony: 40%

Lust: 40%

Pride: 40%

Sloth: 40%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 51%

You will die, but first you will turn into an evil robot.

How Sinful Are You?

Part Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

haha. funny.

black cat superstition

happy

yesterday whiling time away trying to look decent and unchildish sitting alone in the airport i had some deep thoughts that i cant for the world remember now..

thats the problem with thoughts

once you forget, you might as well never have had the memory in the first place. thats good or bad? probably both. depends on what you want to forget (or is it whether you want to forget?)

the little conundrums of daily life.

looking for a piece of paper to write spiralling thoughts down, but just too troublesome to walk around. anyway people kept looking at me for some reason, like i'm weird or something.. which made me feel super self-conscious, and a bit weird too. so just sat down outside row 17 and asked the universe what it ws trying to do.

and the answer is... 41

what!! the ultimate answer to the universe, to life, to death and to everything, is...

'41' !?!?

ah but Hitchhiker's Guide says.. you have to find the ultimate question in order to understand the ultimate answer to everything.

but i guess there just isnt any meaning to the universe, except where you choose to find it. anything, any single event can have one answer, two meanings, a thousand branches and a million divergings... but what matters is which path you choose to scramble down on that makes your life worth living. what your own beliefs tell you is true is all that makes the difference, because its your own life, and its your own choice, and what you choose to accept as truth turns into the guiding principle of your own life.

choice is an illusion? choice is rationality in a nutshell. yes to this cos its good, no to this other cos its.. not so good. people just think there is no choice because they cant accept the not so good options.

see.. people are just inherently..

stupid. fickle.

i dont understand people and their black cat superstitions sometimes.

long island daggers

oh did i say i got posted to armour? well yups did get posted there, but now hafta go for socjot slowjog (slowsqueezeyourballsjog) in brunei..
just thankful its not the initial 3 weeks we were briefed upon.. only 10 days *heaves a breath* or i'd die
best pt
best soc
best mindless waste of freakin time

24k down
mambo over
suffering from too much alcohol
not a hangover, just dizzytired.
barely slept a couple hours the past two days, plus 24k thru tues nite and mambo thru wed, i feel like falling over. if there were feathers spread out at my feet like a cushion of swans i'd close my eyes and collapse sighing into the downwards towards your concrete, leaving this world behind and filling the comfort of black lidded sleep. but i cant, cos now i need to go out and make my stoopid specs, tmrw hafta wake up freakin early to go for kitbag inspection. i feel like falling over.

i think yesterday was the drunkest i'd ever got.. if that amounted to being drunk. just couldnt walk so very straight or focus on any one thought for more than about 2.483 seconds before it recycled into a swimming vision of a big drain in front of me that im just about to walk into if i dont wake up and steer away as i wander zigzagging from zouk down to chinablack looking for melfin the fairy. im going crazy now.

tomorrow my kitten's returning from viet. i think she'd love some flowers. i think i'd love her back, just in one piece, safe and smiling her sweet smile.
Amen

gulfs of torn sky

and today coming home was thinking..


1. every moment i spend out is a moment less i spend at home

2. which makes it less and less worth the while of going home with every minute more i delay, because i'll spend more effort travelling than is worth the rest at home

3. there will come a point where it just becomes technically not viable to go home

4. should i go home?

5. oh yah, i need fresh clothes.


since when did i become so mercenary? shit i hate myself.

yellow brains in the washing machine

was reading a book in the library

it was called '30000 mornings'
find it and you'll understand what i'm trying to get at.

why do men have so much testosterone. cant we think of sex less? desire less? lust less? all these sins and indecencies that arise from faithlessness and torrid loss of control. men are disgusting. always looking to hug kiss touch sniff grope squeeze caress looking for the next fix next roll in the shack. disgustingly amorous creatures.

i could go on about stupid disgusting males being male, but i there's this dumb irony of me writing it. i just wanna point out an obvious fact that everyone knows already, so that people can confirm it and nod in agreement 'yesyes, oh what a good point' and everyone will think i am a sensitive, thoughtful and wholly unfilthy brudder.

gah.

turning into some self-hate already.


ahhhhhhhh not enough sleep.

and....

posted to armour!!!

for goodness sake, yes! it is for goodness' sake. my goodness that is.

and so... postings for sierra wing are out, amidst disappointments and myriad elations, many other emotions are half-masked and wrapped up. some wanted to go signals and went to infantry, others wanted to go to infantry and went to combat e... hiaz life was never fair to begin with, my little children, and we'll all have to grow up with that. i'm lucky i got to my vocation of choice, but in the end, what does it matter? we feel blindly for passage to a better corp, a more pleasant existence in another company, battalion, etc, but we hardly ever knew shit about what we were throwing our choices into in the first place.

so i say now... wherever we is going, we is not knowing what we're going into anyway. so all's equal. life is not fair, but at least it gives us our chances. i guess we can excel wherever we go, as long as there's effort put in, not like my chao geng buddy who appeals for air force, says he wants to go for armour, gives substandard work in infantry and reports sick for crap half the time. i cant stand it. why people like that are allowed to still stay in ocs (of all places OFFICER school)is just a mystery. but then again, life is not fair.

harharhar/. i bitch.

and ahead... 3 weeks in brunei ohmigosh. just thinking about it and my heart aches. sigh its going to be a difficult 3 weeks. gonna miss my kitten so much >_<

and i must thank the Lord for everything he's given me, everything he's helped me through, all the strength he's provided, all the grace he's shone upon me to help me get up again... for my family whom i love, my friends whom i treasure... and my kitten i adore..

God bless.

:D

hello

a long drought

i realize i cant type properly anymore cos i've been away from the computer for too long. basically civilisation. cookhouse food just tastes so cookhousey after eating it for four weeks.

anyway am finally back!!! in so many ways..

finally got my passport done so i can GO HOOMMMEE. for like the first time in four weeks. ok la actually already got home yesterday but nvm lets just ignore that.

ohmigods today ate my mum's fried rice... after so long, its like a taste of heaven. and just coming home and being able to say hi to mum, dad, sis, bro... even if bro still hasnt repaired my cd player and stuck my lovelybabyblue bag full of badge pins, and my sis is glued to her laptop doing her thesis, and dad isnt home yet well, mum is always free so i talk to her.

and its good to be back.

yes it is.

WaRgH. feeling so awfully sleepy tired crumbly now but i just dont feel like sleeping.. aiya shall go to sleep soon otherwise i cant go out later.

there's so much to complain bout army but nothing comes out of it eventually so i dont really see the point.. army is like a self-contained, self-sufficient world of its own. i'm getting lazy to type so maybe tonight i'll continue la. if i get home. gah.

tired of wings

cant believe i have to do homework for army. of all things..we have to do elearning on the safti intranet and memorize military law facts and section movement drills. and learn the specifications of the various weapons. bloody stupid. and i havent finished going thru all the packages so i think im screwded.

anw... everyday is like a new challenge.

ArGh. cant stop talking about ns!! its consuming my whole life! this is verrryy bad. nowadays the only thing i have for conversation is army. again, bloody stupid.

haiz.. my only motivation nowadays seems to be her. sometimes i think im just making things complicated for myself. eofinveofnbeanefivmasm. aiyah my mind is in a mess right now. i shall stop thinking.

...............
............
............
.............

being duty sergeant on the weekend is just the worst imaginable responsibility that can be put on ya.

oh no i just forgot to do something very important
argh
now i hafta wait til next week. :(

some days i just wish i wasnt in ocs
sigh

no time!!

cheh! and i thought i had no time to type..

now supposed to be having Happy Hour in the officer cadets' mess with the entire wing.. haha yup guess where i am?! :P awrite..

short term worry is that Happy Hour doesnt end and morph into Unhappy Hour later.. we're all worried that later the instructors might spring a fieldpack inspection and 5k casualty evacuation as what the senior cadets said happened to them during their time.. haha scary. hoping hoping

anws here at safti its like a million times difference from bmt.. bmt is cheesy scout camp compared to here.. i still remember the first impression getting here.. that everyone marches in step with armswings like clockwork.

ok and then on the day we come in we get an orientation run around the whole bloody facility and our platoon instructor knocks us down diamond pushups.

oh shit have to run

ok see ya soon haha !

tactical

OCS is an irritating place.

really

i wish i was in rouge.

with you

unlikely things

Quarreled with my mum.

What do you do when things get out of control man?

What do you say when things get out of control? How do you keep the anger from boiling up your blood and tearing off your head, and your words from leaping and snarling into a red mist of frustration?

I haven't found a way out yet man. Maybe there is this secret door that I have to build a key for before I can find my pastel blue pastures... but I haven't found the door nor got what it takes to make the key yet. All I want now... is some peace and quiet, somewhere with no one to ask me questions, tell me what my priorities are, give me a low down on how must change, throw me the reasons why I must do more more more. All I want is some peace now, somewhere that stops these tears from running to my eyes even as I write, that clears the fog and dust from my mind. Just that private little hill with a small tree and clean grass... and maybe that someone who’s been through all this the same as I have, to share that natural emotional sympathy as we’ll have, and to love the silence more than any warm words of soft embraces.

No words man, no quarrels or fighting or shouting. Just let me be, and give me no words but the language of faith and understanding, and I will love you all the more.

the last days of a recruit

Excerpt

060305
1430hrs
Going back to school and meeting up with all my old friends and jie meis again I realise just how much I miss them. All the memories of fun and laughter with all the different people flood back, and now I feel I just have to catch up with so many people and find out how they're doing.

yingshi jolyn audrey enlin sarah

POP soon!! The anticipation is almost overwhelming... previously POP was just an event on the other side of the hill, out of sight and out of mind, but now graduation day is cresting the top of that hill it casts a greater shadow over the poor recruits struggling upwards towards it. The climb seems to just get more and more unbearable.

haiz at this point i simply miss all my darlings so much...

also hope i get posted to officer school... but hey, doesn’t most of us?!

when 24 click starts (in a few hrs!!) its going to be a dozen hours of mind-numbing walking... so I’d better write now. i guess thats how army works... to bring soldiers to a respectable fitness level some other area must compensate... a seesaw of body and mind.


070305
0900hrs
the pride in foxtrot/falcon simply grows... consider: on regular route marches charlie takes 48 mins to finish 4k. bravo takes 45. we take 40. under maggotmaster 2L bhanu we take abt 37 to 38 mins... its lightspeed compared to the pace we had to endure with charlie conducting last night. caleb said 'this 24k ah doesnt test how well we can march, it tests how well we can endure boredom...' teng kok was regretting he didnt bring his book along so at least he'd have something to read while marching, i mean, strolling.

still, despite the snail's pace 24k is still two dozen thighchafing nutbanging footdragging clicks. everyone is tired and fall in this morning brought a legion of bowlegs and limps. which is just freakin amusing... abrasions and blisters are the standard conversation, but everyone just puts on their saf shoes, pulls up their saf socks and soldiers on, still keeping in step and singing army songs. but we never expected to see the other 24K companies waddling around in slippers for breakfast while we marched to cookhouse for breakfast. they really looked pathetic! i mean, come on, sure its 24k but a company of att B excused RMJ excused footgear just looks disgustingly wussy. we snigger as hawk charlie bravo pass by...

thank goodness i didn’t get any blisters or abrasion, so maybe that explains some of my cheer and lightheartedness today. it feels like the morning after a good day of track training, the sense of having accomplished something fruitful... a nice aching afterglow i guess. pleasant :)


080305
1030hrs
the anticipation grows of course, but the troopers die a quiet death in their bunks. a melancholy just permeates the heart and mind, and drains the excitement and interest from activity and washes the day gray. could it be because of POP in a few hours time? of course it could... so tired of the straight lines and the endless roads, we wait to graduate in a few hours. for what? to return to a same old civilian life, and to wait again. POP is but our stepping stone to the next era in our armyhood. there is no end in sight.

I cant wait to be a private and earn 16 dollars more.

let it be

she is just about everything i seek in a girl...

i never thought we could be so similar in so many ways...

never thought i'd meet someone so different, mature, elegant, beautiful, everything...

i really, really like her.
and to tell her would be to kill us both.

tragedy.

why now, why now.

the trench-digger's duty

eat my dirt!

out early on shellscrape leave mwahaha!!! got half day leave cos i managed to dig company best shellscrape.. yeah happyhappyhappy!! sometimes army's perks really perk u up, like this one. yups even white horse H company doesnt get to book out at 8pm hahaha :P learning lesson -- just dig it baby.

aiyez but am also happy and sad... got all the small perks but the big fish like platoon best dont bite my hook... but nvm at least i know the guy who got it really deserves it, so all the best jason! hope you win company best as well so F platoon 1 will more or less have gotten all the possible awards harharhar..

am happy.

tmrw going out. yeah
results day tmrw too. im scared but not that scared. pseudoscared. haiz its not as if worrying can change any of the results so why bother to worry.

Scripture gives us
'God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference'
from Proverbs i cant remember where... yups so just relax and pray for God's strength in case u get bad results. but not for God to make sure u get good rsults, because He can only give us strength to study and pull through the exams, but how we do just depends on our own effort.

anyhow hope we all do wellllll..

God bless.

trigger happy slinger

OOOOoosh

M16 on auto is like an electric current down your body and lightning in your hands.

fired 600+ rounds on BAC course doing enemy duty

high point of my field camp haha. yesh they were just blanks but still... i'd do field camp all over again just to go on auto... its like a drug. once you're off it and back to semi again there's just no kick sia.

ratatatatatatata

and it would be a ballad

Wah I feel so tired not enough sleep for three days. Today booking in and tomorrow going for field camp. It feels like byebye world and adios civilisation for the next seven days. I don’t wanna spend valentines’ with the mosquitoes and centipedes and snakes. Whaaaaaat... army is such a chore. *pouts*

Um what is going on now. All this relationship stuff is coming up again and giving me a headache. sigh... the heart is throwing tangles like fine spun cloth. Going into ns I resolved not to start anything, and get to uni before considering anything serious, but what am I to do when the girl that shows up in your arms is just so wonderful... I am afraid of doing the wrong thing now. Or is it doing the right thing at the wrong time. Argh I don’t know if I can handle anything more than friendship right now. Just not ready for the self-confirmation of a leap to a ‘yes I want her’... Then again I could just be delusional and dreaming up overtures in place of friendship... I hope I’m still reading people right after the stupefaction of army.

Haiz. Having to hold back flirting just feels like cramming part of personality into a pringles tin. But at this point in time, unsureties and all, not restraining myself would be like making promises with the intention of breaking them. For goodness sake the next four weeks I’ll only be out two weekends before passing-out parade... what right does one have to subject a girl to that amount of tentativeness!

Still, that I ask her out is probably signal enough to myself that my feelings run deeper than what I care to admit to myself... so much for self-control, boy.

Haiz the heart throws tangles like a fast bowler on double quicktime. Old emotions that she trawls to the surface... just chose the wrong time to reveal themselves. Why now why now.



Sunday morning, rain is falling
Steal some covers, share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road, get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you

That maybe you’re all I need
In darkness she is all I seek
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday mornings
And I never want to leave

out and about

Army

Not bad

Confinement for two weeks

Makes u realize what you hold closest to you. And yet somehow when all my friends are missing their families and homes I’m thinking of how I can go for the next party once I book out. Disconcerting. Melf sez I should stop telling myself I don’t miss my family, but I cant differentiate whether this is a case of mentality… or simply of not giving a damn. Either way… I feel troubled, and being at home now its costing me a certain distancing from my family. Con. Fused.

On my way back to home part of me was wishing I didn’t have to come back, but could just stay in camp. Family shmamily. Maybe I’m just deliberately alienating myself from those around me so I wont have to miss them, and feel the aches and pains of being away from comfortable conventions. Whatwhatwhatwhat poodle. I think something is screwed up with my emotional being. I think I am becoming more and more screwed up.

Army seems to be cultivating this aggression. Call it willpower or rebelliousness or both. Or testosteronal ego, the kind that tailgates you down the CTE and picks a fight along clarke quay. It’s a curse, a curse! At mambo I almost reached breaking point (the point at which I break someone’s nose, in this case justin’s) when he, for his own amusement or whatever, nearly yanked off my cap and glasses when I was dancing. I guess the inner angel managed to lasso the inner demon with his halo in time and whisper ‘Turn the tribal drumbeat down a bit please…’ and convert the breaking point into merely a shoving point, such that no one got hurt. Except justin’s cap which I threw on the dance floor and I suspect got mamboed a bit. Only a bit.

The masculinity army develops works like this: my buddy came in reserved and small, with proper english; now he bangs the table during conversations and swears. ‘Wah lau eh! *bangs table* Hahaha what the eff man!’
I guess we all get influenced and hand over a portion of civilisation like tributes to appease our 2nd lefs and platoon sergeant gods. We gladly exchange gentleness and thoughtfulness for a chance to fit into Sibeh-Macho University. The other SMU.

Disillusionment
The saf is supposed to be organized, but its not. Neither is it efficient. Or intelligent. I have no idea how to bring across what it is… just that it is none of these qualities. What a waste of time. I find the best way to deal with it is not to think about it at all and just blank out.

‘Knock it down 40!’
*blanks out and knocks down 40*

‘Dari kanan cepat jalan!’
*blanks out and marches*

‘You effing lunchboxes, charlie brown la!’
*blanks out and psychic censor kicks in*

just do it baby.

the brain kinda auto-restarts when the next string of commands roll off.

Sigh
The last thing I want now is to get tangled up in affairs of the heart.
Avoid!
Don’t book coffee dates!
Don’t drop little hints!
Don’t dance with people!
Don’t call to ask how they are!
I might as well bury myself in a hole and die.
Sigh.

22nd jan 2005 1150am

i who say you are dreams am a dream myself

Current-borne, wave-flung, tugged hugely by the whole might of ocean, the jellyfish drifts in the tidal abyss. The light shines through it, the dark enters it. Borne, flung, tugged from anywhere to anywhere, for in the deep sea there is no compass but nearer and farther, higher and lower, the jellyfish hangs and sways; pulses move slight and quick within it, as the vast diurnal pulses beat in the moondriven sea. Hanging, swaying, pulsing, the most vulnerable and insubstantial creature, it has for its defense the violence and power of the whole ocean, to which it has entrusted its being, its going, its will.

But here rise the stubborn continents. The shelves of gravel and the cliffs of rock break from the water baldly into air, that dry, terrible outerspace of radiance and instability, where there is no support for life. And now, now the currents mislead and the waves betray, breaking their endless circle, to leap up in loud foam against rock and air, breaking...

What will the creature made all of seadrift do, on the dry sand of daylight; what will the mind do, each morning, waking?

wuh

Happy new year!
Happy birthday!



Lets shave lyrical. Waxing will probably be painful.
*buzz*
*buzz*
*buzzz*
electric shaver.

Stubble-free skin!

A drop of purple into a circle of blue will be the falling of the sky into an ocean of glass.
The sky slides into the ocean on an upturned china plate.
White and blue. White and blue. Dragons and lotuses swirl into the sea on a porcelain mystery.
Where lies land’s end?
An alabaster divinity turns its cheek, the creak of bleached bones.
Beached on a distant shore, distanced timelike from now to there; the gods do not share their immortality.
Timelike. Now to there crosses the same sky, but we grow old.
Who remembers anyway?