sous les cieux sans nuages

Happy.

Its been such a long time as usual..whenever does blogging actually take the place of real life? I'd rather spend the ten minutes typing doing something else..but when you're bored and there's nothing let to entertain you, sometimes reflection on your life is a good thing.

A mirror to the soul.
I take it that Im not feeling up to beat as usual..otherwise i wouldnt be posting anything..this blog is like my sink of depressivity.. the times i need to empty my mind and rant. sous les cieux sans nuages - under cloudless skies.

oweek filming is finally done, but part of me feels like it should have gone on longer..so many more angles to see things, so many ideas to put through, intensify the plot, develop the characters, elements of humours, delirious outtakes..i like the people..i like filming..i like making things..and it feels good to be doing something constructive.
and the gravity of attraction.. temptation looks you in the eye, and you're bound to say aye?

gf come back soon please, i need to renew my infatuation with you..

now bash is lost. i am lost. i cannot cope with just myself giving direction, because i've already lost direction..the club that fueled my passion in sem 1 has already withered into my personal prison..the things that the club could have achieved! I tremble in the thought of what a cohesive committee with initiative and drive could have done..

but faith is blind sometimes. faith that people could put aside their personal ambitions, their private selfishness, their unrevealed idiocy..what of this club is left but the name? call it the non-committee, perhaps.. the non-existent MC. Derisive. Spit.

I thought we did this a long time ago?
and the fat guy still dared to want to shake my hand and say "yes, but this time is the real one"
so i've been lied to for the past two months?
"but we still dont talk to each other!"
So?
"but its for the MC!"
I dont care.
and i remember the moist-sticky feeling from your palm, cos you were sweating..
For the record. what has the MC been but a convenient power-hold for you. and its now in shambles, and you dare to say its for the MC, as if you ever took the time to build it up, hold it together, or try to mend the rifts that have now spread beyond repair. just cos i shook your hand doesnt mean i will ever accept having a bastard like you as a friend.

everytime i step into the clubroom is a reminder of what this MC could have done, how this MC could have been better, what this MC could have been..but i forget, as always. People will be people. Selfish, arrogant, foolish.

But maybe when my disappointment runs deeps, my expectations are too high..

but today feels ok. Mailrun will look good, im sure of it..i did the covers and backpage, and the bash design..proud of myself and my getting-better editing

i still find it hard to find oneself..everyday i still look for the me i feel i've lost..the part that slips away (or awake?) when i dream, the part that fades as pass day-old into the morning..maybe i chase shadows, but I know, i just know..everyday i lose a bit more of myself, as i gain a bit more of my otherness..

the reason i hate blogging is because i always lose track of what i want to say next.