study angst haiz

today being quite an uneventful day at home I managed to put in just about six hours of studying i think. What happens if I don’t do well for the coming prelims? I’m truthfully a bit anxious now cos of the relatively short time I’ve spent studying… too much time spent on messing about, going out or training. I think I better go to sleep soon cos I feel quite sleepy, and tmrw will be the last day that I will have before the first paper ensues and I have to face the fate of passing or failing. How will I face myself knowing that I could have done better, but that I was too lazy wanting to sleep and laze the day away rather than bury my discontent and just study and torture myself in my books. How angsty I am getting then for the lack of recreation.

Olympics are on now since the opening ceremony early yesterday, ma and pa stayed up to watch it at 1,45 if I’m not wrong until four. Maybe I’ll be able to catch the pole vault events and embarrass myself for my lack of calibre. Will something exciting happen on my life? I’m feeling so bored right now. Perhaps the lack of connectivity is simply isolating me from the world… actually I’m quite sure that if the internet bumped up to cable I’d have so much more fun… just keeping in touch with other ppl would mean the world to me. And for the connectivity to extend to handphone coverage.. gosh then the possibilities for the expansion of my social circle would be almost unimaginable…

But how can I stay in touch without money? It all boils down to that in the end doesn’t it? Money indeed makes the world go round… the world almost begs to be in the hands of the rich. And with the deep pockets of armani suits come flashy cars and glitzy property… tech toys to play with and the company of fellow nouveau to gloss with about the vagaries if the sad cashless and the blueness of the sky over the polished golf courses in the exclusive money memberships of SICC. Sucks to be poor then.

God tells me to give thanks for what I have been given, and that the pursuit of material wealth is fruitless… I should trust Him of course…

Thus, thus… I feel quite grateful now I think… that at least I have a home to come home to, however ramshackle I may see it to be, and in it I can find the occasional warmth and happiness, the promise of good food (usually delivered) and a bed and parents who love me (I hope). And I God who loves me, as well…